The Message
by SkittishKitten
Summary: Takes place after the episode "Love Bites" in season 6. P/J angst.
1. Chapter 1

**The Message**

Disclaimer: I don't own Dawson's Creek or any of the characters, I only wish I did!

Summary: A missing scene from season 6. Takes place after "Love Bites." P/J

Pacey lay frozen on the couch. He was glad that Jack was staying with his new boyfriend for the weekend, for a moment he was even glad that Emma had been forced to move back home to England, because it meant he could lay here deep in his depression without having to explain it to anyone.

It had been hours since he had gotten home. He hardly remembered how he had done it, luckily muscle memory had been enough to drive his car home and get up to the apartment. He had felt numb the whole way, only one thought reverberating in his head, _she's gone_.

Now, in the wee hours of the morning he was still where he had fallen, unable to stand under the pain of the loss of her any longer. He hadn't even been able to cry yet. His mind replayed their last conversation over and over. He had sensed her pulling away and grasped at her, trying desperately to cling to the one thing in his life that had ever made sense.

He had meant what he said, he was scared. Terrified even, because he knew without reservation that this was it for him, she was it. Even now, knowing she had not chosen him this time he still knew this one thing with utter and complete conviction. Joey Potter was it for him. If he never saw her again for the rest of his life he would never stop loving her, never stop loving her more and more with each passing day. He had fallen in love with her truly when he was 16 years old and hadn't stopped since.

He wasn't angry. Well, maybe at that Eddie guy, just for existing, but not at her. He had walked away from her first; he deserved it if she walked away now. He had been stupid to ever think that he, Pacey J. Witter, would ever really get a second chance at happiness. Hell, it had tested the limits of imagination and altered the universe that he had gotten a first chance with her, and he had blown it.

At least she had danced with him. If he closed his eyes he could remember just how she had felt in his arms. He had longed to close his eyes while they danced, longed to gather her against him as he had so many years ago at the disastrous event known as the Anti-Prom. But he had resisted this urge, knowing that if he allowed himself to get lost in the moment he would never ever let her go, and that would make it worse when she made him.

The phone rang, but he had no desire to answer it. He was too wrapped up in his own painful memories to even wonder who might be calling at 3:30 in the morning. It rang several more times and then the answering machine picked up.

_Hey, you've reached Emma, Pacey and Jackers. You know what to do! _His voice called out.

There was a beep and then silence. After a moment he heard her voice recording onto the machine.

_Hey Pace, it's me. _

He thought about answering, but couldn't bring himself to do it. He knew she wasn't going to tell him what he wanted to hear, that she was coming back to him, and he didn't think he could bear to hear her say that she wasn't going to be with him again. Instead he stayed frozen, listening.

_Um, I guess you're not home. Maybe it's better this way, so I can just say everything and get it all out in the open._

He heard her take a deep breath and let it out, obviously nervous about what she was about to relay.

_I guess I just wanted to tell you the truth. Ever since you left tonight I have been feeling so awful, awful thinking you might have walked out of my life completely and awful because I sent you away letting you believe my lies. So here it is, the truth. _

_I told you tonight that I didn't feel it, that whatever was happening between us wasn't something I wanted. But I did feel it Pace. I felt it so strongly that it scared me, just like you said. Ever since you kissed me I can't stop thinking about you. You always do that don't you? You always kiss me first and make me figure out what it all means._

She paused and he heard her give a short laugh. If his heart hadn't been breaking he would have cracked a smile too, remembering that first fateful kiss on the side of the road so very long ago.

_This time though Pacey I already knew what it meant. God Pacey, I have never stopped loving you. I have never, never stopped. When you left at the end of our senior year you broke my heart and I had to put all that love for you into a place in my heart and mind where I couldn't see it or feel it, because Pacey it was killing me. _

_If I hadn't locked it away I would have died from missing you. I couldn't stop loving you so I locked it up tight. And when you kissed me again it just blew apart the locks that had already started to open again. I love you Pacey, more than I have ever loved anyone, even Dawson, and that scares me to death. It scares me because I now know what I didn't at 16 and that is just how badly it can hurt._

She paused again and he could hear a quiet sob coming from her end of the line. When she spoke again her tears filled her voice, and his own finally spilled over, running down his cheeks unchecked.

_I can't hurt like that again Pace. When Eddie left, it hurt but not like that. I don't think anyone could ever hurt me the way you could. And I'm not blaming you, I'm not angry with you, it's just the truth. _

_When we started this thing you said you wanted a blank slate. You deserve that from me, we deserve that. I think if we were ever to figure this thing out we would have to have one. But as much as I want to give that to you, right now I can't. I want to but I can't. _

_Until I can do that Pacey, it isn't fair to either of us to go down this road. You told me once that just because love is true, it doesn't make it easy, and you were right. But right now isn't the time for us to face the rough patches. Right now, I have to find out more about me so that I can give you that blank slate you deserve someday. _

The machine went silent, and for a moment he thought she had hung up. His cheeks were streaked with tears, but he felt as if there was an endless ocean of them still to come. She loved him, but she couldn't be with him and somehow that seemed more unfair than if she had just stopped loving him completely.

He was about to get up to replay the message when she spoke again. Her voice was now whisper quiet and he could hear the grief behind it, a sadness so deep it mirrored his own.

_I love you Pacey J. Witter, I always will. I hope that someday I can give you what you deserve, that someday I can give you all of my heart again without reservation. And I hope that if that day comes you'll still want it. I'm sorry Pace, I'm so, so sorry._

He heard another beep, and then the automated voice of the answering machine came on. It was harsh on his ears after listening to Joey's voice.

_To listen to your message press 1._

_To rerecord your message press 2._

_To save your message press 3._

_To delete your message press 4._

There was a pause, and then the tone of a button being pressed.

_Your message has been deleted._

_To rerecord your message press 1._

_To end this call press 9._

Another tone, and then the machine went quiet.

Pacey lay there thinking about what she had said for a long time. He knew why she had deleted the message, he probably would have too. Some things you had to say, but then once they were out there it was too hard to leave them hanging.

For a moment he wished he had never been home, never heard what she had to say. Then he decided that no, it was better to have heard it. Josephine Potter so rarely said exactly what she was feeling that it was worth it to hear the truth in her heart, even if it hurt more than he thought possible. And everything she said had been true. He had left her and broken the perfect trust between the two of them. Now, he would have to live with that.

Slowly he climbed from the couch and made his way up the stairs toward the bedroom. He would never tell her that he had heard that message, but he held tight to the secret hope that one day she might be able to love him back.


	2. Chapter 2

The Message Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Dawson's Creek or any of the characters, I only wish I did

**Author's Note:** I was originally planning to publish the first chapter of this story as a one-shot, but decided to lengthen it after receiving some requests to do so (thanks especially to Uncanny for being the first to review!) I have in my head a grand plan of an entire series of stories based in between episodes and the moments in episodes for earlier seasons as well as season 6, so please review and let me know if I should continue!

Chapter 2

The gym had cleared soon after he left, the last few students trickling out through the double doors, their laughter sounding loud and phony to her ears. As she was gathering her jacket from the bleachers the lights came on, flickering at first and then shining fluorescent harsh, illuminating the debris around her.

For a moment she almost laughed at the sight. Cardboard cut outs of white knights and castles, cheap confetti and streamers, paper cups and discarded napkins, this was all that was left of a 'magical' night. She was not surprised by the gritty reality of it. Maybe it was because she wasn't 16 anymore, maybe it was because she had always been a cynic at heart, but she had known that this is what it really looked like when the lights came on and the magic fled back into the shadows.

The problem was that Pacey always made the world seem like magic. He inherently believed that the lights could stay off, the music could keep playing, and the castle backdrop could always be larger than life. He inspired her to believe this too, she who had lived her life in the harsh light of day, and that was one of the reasons she loved him. The problem was that when you lived in the fantasy, reality was always just outside the door threatening to come in and shatter you and all your dreams, and Joey couldn't ignore its knocking. So she chose to flee first.

Eddie lived his life bitterly entrenched in the reality. He didn't inspire her to believe in the magic, but he also couldn't take it away. When she had seen him last night she had realized that he would never be her everything, but he could be her something. Yet again, she seemed to find herself at the point of choosing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Thursday Night_

She had said no to Eddie, the imprint of Pacey's kiss still warm on her neck. For that brief moment, she had chosen to be ready for everything.

But she wouldn't have been Joey Potter if she didn't think too much about the what-ifs, and they started to creep into her mind as soon as the bar door closed behind him. What if Pacey chose to leave again? What if Eddie coming back was a sign? What if she wasn't ready for everything? Maybe, just maybe, something was all she could handle right now.

She walked out into the night soon after, and stood for a long time looking up at the window to his apartment. She could see that a light was on inside. She knew he would be waiting for her, probably nervous out of his mind. She could picture him restlessly flipping through channels, trying to decide what state of comfortable undress would be appropriate; trying to fight the tiny doubt in his mind that always told him she wouldn't come.

She wished that he would just look out the window and see her there, and smile at her. When Pacey smiled he made the world a simpler place, and what she needed right now was simplicity. If only he would smile at her, and tell her to hurry up, or even come down to get her, whispering how he hadn't been able to wait it would all click into place. If she could just spend the night with him tonight the world would solidify around them and she could start to give her heart away again.

Tonight was the turning point of moving forward or stopping. She knew this, and so she stayed on the sidewalk and stared for a long time. She couldn't bring herself to make the choice, couldn't decide between her head and her heart. Snippets of long past conversations ran through her, a background to the battle.

Her head was screaming that it was too soon, that if she went upstairs now her life would no longer be hers, it would be theirs. _Us. Me and Joey, there's an us here now._ Us, such a powerful and life altering word. _I plan on being wherever you are._ He would follow her now if she asked him to.

Her heart was pleading with her to once and for all follow its guidance, to stop complicating what could be the easiest and most wonderful thing in her life. Her heart cried for Pacey, for his touch, his laugh, his love. _I need him._ She had told Dawson that nearly 4 years ago, and it was still true. Back then she had found the courage to say what was in her heart. _I think I'm falling in love with you._ Did she have the courage to admit that now?

After what seemed an eternity, the light turned off. He hadn't looked out the window; he hadn't come to sweep her up. He had let her decide, he always let her decide. Pacey Witter did not pressure anyone for love; he gave it unconditionally and let his heart break time and time again waiting for it to be returned. If he had been there to look her in the eyes she would have seen the need in them, but he wasn't there. So Joey did what she did best, and walked away from easy and into impossibly hard. She hated herself for every step she took.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Now came the fallout of never being ready to pin your hopes on someone else. Now she had again hurt the one person who might actually be able to make her happy, truly soul-satisfyingly happy. _Why is it that when I have to choose someone to hurt, I always hurt him?_ She thought as she stood outside Harley's school, waiting for the cab she had called.

She couldn't find an answer, but she found many examples of how she had spent her life doing just that. Pacey had been her rock all of junior year, and she had chosen to push her emerging feelings into a corner so as not to face the possibility of hurting Dawson. She had pushed him away physically and emotionally that morning on the side of the road when he had kissed her. When the feelings would no longer be denied she had made him feel like a dirty secret by not wanting to tell Dawson. She had chosen Dawson over him. When they had come back from their summer on the sea, she had pushed ahead trying to solidify the one friendship she knew would hurt him the most. She had lied about sleeping with him, and lied to him about the lying. In this moment, it felt to Joey as if all she had ever done was hurt Pacey, always chosen someone above him.

Pacey would have told her this wasn't true. Even hurting, he would have looked her in the eyes and let her see that she had loved him more than she had ever hurt him. He would have unhesitatingly relayed to her in great detail every wonderful moment she had given him, because he remembered everything. He would have said it all with such conviction that it would break her heart.

The truth was somewhere in between. They had loved each other and hurt each other, both intensely, both because there was something epic about the bond between them. There were no half-hurts, no half-loving. It had always felt pure and raw and powerful. Right now though, Joey could only remember the times she had left, and the times he had left her. She wasn't sure if that made it harder or easier to get into the cab as it pulled to the curb, and give the driver an address that would take her away from the life and death of it all.

The ride was a long one, and she took the time to brush the tears from her cheeks and try to forget the look on his face as he had held her hands on the dance floor, preparing himself to walk away. He had looked at her like he was trying to etch into his mind every detail of her face, of this moment. He had looked at her like it was goodbye. Joey wasn't good at goodbye, she preferred 'see ya', she preferred 'goodnight'. When Pacey had left before graduation he hadn't said goodbye, she had felt the imminence of his departure, but he hadn't said goodbye. This time, without words, she was afraid he had.

When the cab stopped she climbed slowly out, paying the driver and giving him a wavery smile. The house before held possibility, she just didn't know if it would be enough. On the way to the door she firmed up her smile, preparing. As soon as he answered the door she knew.

He stood there, looking at her guardedly, his emotions hidden. She couldn't read him at all, had never been able to. He stepped out onto the porch with her, feeling hope springing inside of him at her standing before him smiling. If he had known her better, if he had seen Joey Potter for the girl she was rather than the girl he wanted her to be, he would have known that the smile was forced. If he had ever seen her eyes warm with love he would have known that now they were cold. If he had known Joey Potter, he would have turned around and walked back into his house.

She kissed him in desperation. Kissed him, and tried on the smile again for his benefit. When he pulled her close she let him. As her head rested on his shoulder she knew, as she had known when he opened the door, that Eddie was not enough.


	3. Chapter 3

The Message Chapter 3

The Message Chapter 3

Joey lay in a blanket of darkness, the cordless phone still clutched in her hand. She felt numb, not even able to tell if she was still crying. She hadn't been able to leave the message, hadn't been able to speak the truth to him and she felt like a coward. A part of her mind insisted that it was for the best. This part reasoned that if she wasn't ready to be with him, leaving a message like that would only hurt him more. She wasn't sure if this was true, lately she didn't trust herself at all.

She hadn't stayed at Eddie's long. He wanted her to come in, had tried to convince her to stay the night, but she had insisted on going back to the dorms. For once he didn't question her motives, maybe not sure if he wanted to hear them, and eventually grabbed his keys and drove her back. He had leaned in to kiss her, intent upon trying to convince her to invite him up to her room. She had deflected him, turning the kiss into an awkward bumping of heads, before kissing him quickly on the cheek and jumping from the truck, slamming the door behind her. She hadn't even looked back.

Alone, sad, hating herself Joey wished she had asked him to stay. She was realizing something that Pacey had discovered long ago, on a trip to the Caribbean to try and escape the world he felt was smothering him. She was realizing that sometimes the hurt was so bad that losing yourself in someone you didn't love was the only way to dull the ache, if only briefly. Well, that or turn to drink. Pacey had turned to Melanie to escape her face haunting him every time he looked at the stars. Joey longed to turn to Eddie to forget the way she felt when they danced. But right now, she didn't feel like she deserved to forget.

So she lay quietly, enjoying the numbness for the moment, knowing that the pain would seep back in eventually, suffusing her in grief. If she let it. She fell asleep gradually, Pacey's beautiful blue eyes haunting her dreams. When she woke, it was late morning and the day looked to be more gorgeous than she thought it had the right to be.

Strangely she found herself missing Audrey. What she would have said if the blonde had been with her she didn't know. It wasn't exactly kosher to ask your roommate - who just got back from rehab - for advice about your undying love for her ex-boyfriend. No, she wouldn't have been able to talk to Audrey about it, but it would have been nice to have someone near. Joey had finally discovered what it was like to have a real girlfriend, and it was a more comforting and fulfilling relationship than she had ever expected.

She thought about this for quite some time, and then picked up the phone from the floor where it had fallen and dialed a long known, but little used, number. Jen answered on the third ring.

"Joey?" her voice sounded surprised, and if Joey had been listening for it a little distracted. "Hey Jen," she said, affecting a cheery tone that didn't suit her mood. She and Jen had grown much closer in the past few years, but were not yet at the point where she felt comfortable diving right into a problem. "How's it going?" she continued, not sure yet what it was she was hoping Jen could give her.

"Um, okay, kind of busy right now," Jen said, the distraction becoming more evident in her tone. Joey began to feel stupid, not sure why she had called. _Maybe I should have called Jack,_ she thought, but immediately took back the thought. After all, Jack was living with Pacey now and she wasn't about to dial that number.

"You know what Jen, um, I was just on the way to get some coffee myself so maybe I'll give you a call later," Joey responded, still trying to sound nonchalant. "Okay, or even better how about you come to this show I'm hosting on Friday. The helpline is actually sponsoring a live radio showing of Loveline at Boston Bay. We're going to have Dr. Drew and Adam here, and about 300 students, and it'll be broadcast and everything. You should come, and maybe we can catch up afterward,'" Jen said. It sounded like the last thing in the world Joey wanted to be doing, but anything would be better than sitting around her dorm room moping all day and she found herself agreeing before she could over think it. Jen gave her the details and they said their goodbyes.

It wasn't much later that the phone rang again, and she felt her heart leap in her chest. One look at the caller id had it falling back to the pit of her stomach where it had been settled since last night. Holding back the sigh that was threatening to break free, she answered.

"Hey Eddie."

"Hey Jo."

His tone was light, teasing, _overconfident_. This last adjective came to her mind unbidden, and she tried to push it away feeling guilty. Then again, for a guy who had left her twice, and was now talking to her as if they had never been apart, maybe overconfident was a perfectly acceptable word. She pushed this thought aside as well.

The silence stretched for a moment. He was clearly waiting for a response of some kind but she wasn't entirely sure what to say. "How are you?" was all she could think of, but she didn't voice it knowing already it would fall lame and awkward between them, a nicety that they shouldn't have to be exchanging. Instead she continued to say nothing, fighting the urge to hang up and hide under the covers as if nothing had ever happened.

Finally, he cleared his throat and broke the silence, the cocky tones lessened.

"So, um, how are you?"

Joey couldn't help the burst of laughter that came out of her. The whole situation just seemed so ridiculous at the moment, and she was starting to feel like it must be some kind of cosmic joke. Eddie stuttered for a moment on the other end, clearly not knowing what to make of her outburst. It seemed he took it as an ice breaker, for when he spoke again his words had an easy manner.

"So, I figured since it's Saturday and I know you don't have to work til later, and I don't even have a job, that we should get together."

The way he said 'get together' made Joey blanch. He clearly was implying more, a more she suddenly felt very unready for. She scrambled, trying to think of some excuse to keep from seeing him, but was drawing a blank. He had already continued anyway.

"...and so because of that I figured I should come over there. I never liked Audrey much, but now that she's gone I think I'm appreciating her more. I mean, she did leave my delectable girlfriend all alone in a dorm room."

The old Joey Potter, the sassy, snappy girl who had grown up on the creek, dishing it out with the best of them, might have stopped him right there and told him all the things wrong with that sentence. Like the fact that insulting her best girl friend was probably a bad idea at this point. Like the fact that she was not just some sexual object to throw stupid and crude terms like 'delectable' at. Like the fact that technically she had not yet agreed to be his 'girlfriend'. The old Joey Potter would have given Eddie a mouthful. In fact, she probably would have left him stunned at the strength with which she could bring her wrath down. But Eddie had never known that girl, and so didn't even know he was treading into dangerous ground.

And this Joey Potter, Worthington college girl, just didn't speak like that anymore. Sure she was bitter and her comments biting, but she used it now as a mask for her pain. The sassy girl who really spoke her mind and heart had been lost a long time ago, given completely to a boy who sailed away so that there was nothing left of her in this Joey. So she didn't say what she really thought, and she didn't have the energy to put on the mask. Instead she just said,

"Sure, Eddie."


	4. Chapter 4

The Message

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Dawson's (and thank god I don't own the namesake)

Chapter 4

Pacey had been having one hell of a week, and it was only Monday. After the disaster now dubbed 'Prom: Redux' in his mind, he had basically laid in bed all weekend wallowing. Jack had gotten home on Sunday, cheery after so much time with his beau, which only served to drive Pacey deeper into his funk. He did not want to be around happy people right now. In fact, he was pretty sure he hated happy people right now. Especially happy people in the form of rat-faced bartenders who went about stealing true loves out from under unsuspecting noses.

Jack had at first tried his usual tact with a Pacey funk. He had tried jumping on Pacey's bed with the fervor of a five year old. When this failed to elicit laughter or retaliation of any kind he had hunkered down and asked if Pacey wanted to cuddle, complete with waggling eyebrows. This earned him a pillow in the face and a mumbled request to just be left alone to die.

Clearly things were worse than he thought, so Jack moved down to the next rung of the Crisis Aversion ladder and called his partner in crime.

Jen was over in record time, needing (unbeknownst to Jack) just exactly such a situation to take her mind off her own crumbling stability.

After a brief powwow to try and deduce the reason for Pacey's melancholy, they both poked their heads into his room tentatively.

He was lying exactly as Jack had left him, sprawled out across the bed, one arm flung over his face.

"How long has he been like this?" Jen said, her voice taking on the quality of a doctor about to examine a patient.

"I'm not sure, I mean I was with David all weekend," Jack began, "But judging from the smell when I tried to offer cuddles earlier, he has not put on deodorant for at least 36 hours."

Jen adopted a look of shock, "He turned down Jack cuddles?" she asked incredulously.

When Jack nodded, his own face solemn, she let out a heavy sigh. "This is worse than I thought.

They slowly approached the bed, almost as if they expected Pacey to attack at any moment, but he stayed still. They were almost to the edge of the mattress when he spoke.

"Look, can you guys please just leave me alone?"

This time Jack noticed the heavy sadness that underscored the gruff voice of his roommate, and realized that Jen was right, things were worse than they had thought.

"Pacey," Jen began, slipping into her newfound counselor voice (though Jack detected the heavy lilt of wise sage underneath, the persona she saved especially for her friends). When she got no response she continued, taking his silence as her cue to press onward.

"Is this about your dad?"

Jack almost hit himself in the forehead, remembering Pacey telling him that his dad had been hospitalized with some heart thing just the other week. He felt stupid for not thinking of it before, but was even more confused when Pacey negated Jen's question.

"No, Jen. I've actually done a pretty good job of moving past _my_ daddy issues," he said, the pain in his voice dampening the acidity of his words.

"Is this about your work?" she tried again.

"No."

Finally Jen asked the question she wasn't sure she wanted to pose, because if this turned out to be the problem she wasn't sure she cared enough to deal with it rationally.

"Is this about Audrey?"

And that got a reaction. He sat bolt upright, staring at her with an angry fire burning in his eyes.

"No this is not about fucking Audrey! Why the fuck would it have anything to do with her? Is that what you think my whole life has been reduced to? You think the only things that matter in my life are my asshole of a father, my job, or my ex-girlfriend?" On this last word, his voice broke slightly. "God Jen, for a wise sage you can be pretty damn daft sometimes!"

Jen sat quietly, letting him rage, listening to his words. Jack was left in awe of her super powers at being able to maintain such control. Yep, Jen was definitely his hero.

When Pacey had finished he flung himself back into his original position, but this time they could both hear the choke of a held back sob. Jack was still reeling from the explosive outburst, but Jen had already moved in, taking the hand that wasn't flung across his face in hers.

"Oh Pacey," she said, her voice filled with empathetic melancholy for him, "Again?"

When he only nodded briefly, Jack felt even more confused. Seeing the look, Jen smiled sadly. "Joey." She said simply, but it suddenly all made sense.

"You want to tell us about it?" she asked Pacey, her tone gentle. The words might have sounded trite on another's lips but from her they could never be construed as anything but heartfelt.

He shook his head quickly, refuting the offer, then proceeded to pour out his broken heart anyway.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After the emotional drain that had been Sunday night, he had thought about calling in sick to work on Monday, not yet ready to face the more callous realities of his life. Unfortunately, he had squandered the only sick time he had trying to rediscover the boy he once had been through covert meetings in an aquarium with a woman who made him feel like bucking the system again.

He had sworn Jack and Jen to secrecy, not wanting even Joey to know that they knew. He didn't know if he did it more for her or for him, not wanting her to have to deal with the backlash of group dynamics (always a curse in their incestuous little group) and also not wanting her to know that he hurt bad enough to talk. In fact, as far as he was concerned, he didn't want her to know this was anything more than a bump in the Pacey Witter highway of life, didn't want her to know that he really felt like he had been pushed completely off the highway, his car on the side of the road flipped over, wheels still spinning and the radio on.

Jen had stayed the night, both had stayed up with him til the wee hours drinking wine in solidarity, offering him quiet support when he couldn't find any more words. He had work in the morning, and they both had classes, but none of this was mentioned and he figured that's how you know who your friends are. They're the people who sit by you in the night, no obligations on their mind but you. They're the people who know what is in your heart when you can't say it. They're the people who love you just by being there. And even as they offered comfort, his heart broke a little more knowing that _she_ was the one person who could do all those things better than anyone for him.

So Monday dawned groggily for them all. Jen had decided to skip her morning classes, crawling up to Jack's room to sleep off the effects of cheap wine. Jack had fortified himself with cereal and coffee before braving the world. Pacey had slumped out the door, his suit wrinkled, his tie askew, his heart bleeding all over the place.

Upon entering the office, he had been greeted almost instantly by Rich's smarmy face.

"Witter, you're fifteen minutes late."

Though Rich's tone was light, Pacey detected the thinly veiled contempt underneath, brought on by the competition of the business they worked in. Pacey was in no mood to respond, even knowing his job had been on pretty thin ice lately and not offering an excuse to the boss for his tardiness might make it thinner.

Rich didn't seem to notice his taciturn demeanor, barging ahead with the typical morning insults and instructions.

"You look like hell too, what the temp not let you go all the way? What was her name, Johnny?" Pacey shot a death glare his way at this, but it completely missed the target as Rich was currently looking down into a file in his hands.

"Look my friend, just because we got you all set up in a nice little office doesn't mean you're not expendable, so I suggest you get your ass in gear, capice?"

In that moment Pacey wanted to hit Rich more than he ever had before. He longed to take out all his anger on this slimy creature. But he couldn't so he grumbled something inaudible that he hoped would be taken as an agreement, and then shuffled into his office closing the door firmly behind him.

And that is when the second wave of grief hit. He hadn't even thought about it til this moment, hadn't thought about how quickly she had ingrained herself into every part of his life. Yet there in front of him was the couch where he had almost had his way with her, until they were interrupted. His urge to hit Rich was doubled, as was the urge to throw himself off a bridge.

Unable to help himself he laid down on the couch, remembering what she had felt like under him. He remembered the heated kisses, the frantic shedding of clothing, desperate to be near each other again. You never could deny the chemistry between them, and it had erupted full force that night. God, it had just been a taste of what he already knew he was missing, and now he missed it more.

He buried his head in the cushions, remembering not just the passionate kisses, but the meaningful ones as well. He remembered their night in the K-Mart when she had snuggled into him and in one sweet, slow, achingly tender kiss said all the things they had held inside for the past year. As much as he loved the heated chemistry between them, it had been this that he missed the most, the loving of each other they had put into every touch. The intimacy of dreams shared, of words unspoken, of slow slides into warm pools of happiness. Thinking of these things, he swore he could smell her on the couch cushions, the light and teasing perfume she had worn to the office mixed with her own unique scent.

Not knowing what else to do, he breathed in her scent deeply and let a few tears he didn't even know he had left slide down his cheeks. After a moment he composed himself and moved to his desk, knowing that money – and Rich – cared nothing for his heartache. On his desk he found the other reminder of her, the ridiculously Joey knick-knack she had brought for him. He lifted the ball on one end and let it clatter back, setting off the chain reaction.

Watching the balls bounce back and forth, an unseen force moving through them to send them careening off again and again, he almost laughed at how fitting the gift was coming from her. Because when it came to Joey Potter, he felt like his heart was always being bounced back and forth, an unseen force always bringing him back to her and then careening him off again. The balls continued their back and forth journey, and he suddenly had the disturbing thought that maybe it wasn't a metaphor for his heart's journey, maybe it was just a sign that he was beating his head against a rock over and over. After all, didn't someone once say that insanity was repeating the same action and expecting a different result?

But when it came to Joey Potter he had never really been sane to begin with.

Suddenly unable to look at the Newton's Cradle anymore, he placed it in one of his desk drawers, not quite capable of throwing it away. Not yet.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By lunchtime he had lost any motivation he might have walked in with that morning. Every call he made had fallen through, not one sale to his name all morning. The one perk of this promotion he had gotten was that his name went on all Stepatech sales, so Rich probably wouldn't notice that none of the sales were actually his today.

He sighed and slumped back in his desk, knowing he had to at least put on the pretense of working for another five hours. After a moment's consideration, he used the intercom to call his secretary.

"Um, hold all my calls will you?" he began, realizing he didn't even know her name. "I'm going to be on the line with an important client for a while and I do not want to be disturbed."

"Yes Mr. Witter," the nameless voice came back, causing a twinge in his heart at the thought that just a few days ago the voice would have been Joey's.

He got up and locked his office door for good measure, closing the blinds to shield himself from the bustle of the outer office. Then he slumped back into his office chair and pulled out his cell phone, hitting speed dial for the loft.

"Hey Pacey," Jen's voice greeted him after just one ring.

"How did you know it was me?" he asked incredulously, knowing they didn't have caller id.

"I am all knowing," she responded, her tone mocking. This got a chuckle from him, something they both considered an improvement.

"So how goes the day?" she asked, knowing that wasn't what he really wanted to talk about, but also knowing him well enough to understand he wouldn't come out and say it.

"Honestly? It has been sucking pretty damn hard."

"Up one side and down the other huh?" she responded, not knowing just how close to his heart the turn of phrase was. And though she wouldn't have ever tried to hurt him intentionally, somehow hearing those words opened him to talk about why he had really called.

"So Jen, just tell me this, when does it get pathetic? I mean, last year on a beach in Florida I was telling Dawson to just give it up, this thing they do to each other, and now I can't even take my own advice. So when is it just to much, when do you let it go?" His tone was pleading, needing so badly an answer to this, not knowing what he wanted it to be.

"When there's nothing left," she said simply.

He chuckled again, but this one was slightly self deprecating at hearing Dawson's words from her mouth, knowing he had relayed this conversation to her, trying to keep her in the loop during her cough medicine haze that had lasted almost the whole week.

"Damn, I forgot how much I tell you Lindley."

She laughed lightly back, but then her tone grew more serious.

"Really Pacey, only you know when it's time to let go."

"I don't think I'm ready yet Jen," he whispered, closing his eyes tightly to fight the familiar burning beneath his lids.

"Okay."

He loved her almost as much as he loved Joey in that moment, for giving him that one word. For accepting his inability to break the cycle, for knowing just how badly he needed to hear that it was okay.

"Hey Jen?"

"Yeah Pace?"

"Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't just Duckie all along. Maybe I just fooled myself into thinking she could ever love me as more than that."

There was silence on the line for a moment, but he could almost hear Jen thinking seriously about his query.

"You know what I think Pace? I think our lives are not a John Hughes movie and we should stop living them as if they were."

He sighed, not quite getting the answer he was looking for, but she was continuing.

"But Pace? I saw the way she looked at you, and you were never just Duckie, not to her. I think the Duckie metaphor was more about how you saw yourself. You have to stop casting yourself in that role."

She paused a beat.

"Besides, I always thought you were more the Lloyd Dobler type."

"Oh yeah, jukebox outside the window huh?"

"No. Because Joey, she's your friend. With potential."

He paused, and thought about her words.

"Maybe I can live with that for now," he answered softly.

"Maybe."

"Thanks Lindley, I owe you one."

"Oh you oh me several ones Pacey. Don't forget who deconstructed this little 'impossible situation' with you not so long ago."

"Still an impossible situation," he muttered.

"Still just makes it real," she whispered to him, knowing that what Joey and Pacey had was one of the most real things she had ever seen. Suddenly she wanted to be in C.J.'s arms more than anything.

"See ya Jen."

"See ya Pace."


	5. Chapter 5

The Message

The Message

Chapter 5

Joey sighed loudly, no longer caring about feigning patience.

Eddie was driving her nuts.

Ever since she had allowed him to come over Saturday afternoon he had refused to leave, and somehow she hadn't been able to bring herself to force him to go. It was now Wednesday, and she was starting to get antsy. She could feel the itching under her skin, the tension in every one of her muscles, indications that she just wanted some damn alone time to think.

He had tried all week to get close to her, to touch her, to move things toward sex. She knew it was coming, had expected it from his thinly veiled subtext on the phone, but was surprised at the nauseous feeling she got in her stomach whenever they touched. After all, once not so very long ago she had been attracted to this boy, had risked her academic career on a passionate morning with him. She had brought him home for Christmas, cried when he had left, kissed him on a strange campus in California, so there was no real logical reason for her not wanting to be near him now.

Except that somehow in the last two weeks things had changed. Ever since a half remembered drunken night at the loft something in her heart had shifted, opening back up to old wants, old dreams. And now, even though she had single handedly dashed those dreams against the rocks along with her own – and someone else's – heart, she still felt like touching Eddie was cheating. Every time she let him kiss her, every time he brushed his fingers over her skin, she felt like she was betraying something, or more specifically someone. Because she couldn't get those haunting blue eyes out of her head.

She had forgotten what it felt like to be wholly loved, or more accurately she had made herself forget. She had pushed out that part of her heart because it was bloodied up still after all this time. But once Pacey reintroduced her to it, the memories came flooding back. Memories of being so well loved, so gently handled. Memories of warm hands caressing her as if she was the most precious thing on earth. Warm lips that whispered all the right things even when she couldn't hear the words. The history was killing her, in so many ways.

History is what made her run, history is what kept her from running far enough.

She was torn from her thoughts when she felt the half remembered textbook she held being pulled from her hands. Before it had even hit the floor Eddie was on top of her, pressing his lips into hers. His chin was rough with stubble, his lips rough with desire, and all she wanted to do was cry.

For a moment she was frozen, half stunned, half wondering if maybe she should just do it and get it over with. She felt resigned, suddenly not caring what happened as long as maybe it helped her forget. She sighed, this time in defeat, but he took it as a sigh of passion and instantly she felt his hand snake up under her shirt towards her breast.

And then, just as suddenly as weary resignation had come, she was angry. She was kick a football player's ass in the cafeteria angry, she was give the boss's son a black eye while locked in a storage room angry, she was single handedly take down a would be attacker in the library angry.

So it was that Eddie finally got a taste of the old Joey Potter as he found himself flying off the bed to land on his ass, hard.

As the haze of fury cleared from her mind, she found herself facing a very stunned looking Eddie on the floor beside her bed. She brought a hand to her mouth, but she wasn't quite sure yet if it was a gesture to convey her horror at her actions, or if it was just to mask the giggles that were threatening to break free.

He stood slowly, an indignant and confused look on his face, like he still couldn't quite figured out what had happened.

"You know, you could have just said you needed to study. No need to get violent." His voice held a note of attempted humor, though underneath it she could sense a bit of wounded pride.

"Sorry."

She knew that she didn't sound sincere, but in truth she was still a little shocked at her reaction. Eddie didn't look very appeased by this, so she stood and moved closer to him. Placing one hand on his arm she tried again.

"I'm sorry Eddie, it's just that I'm not used to you being here all the time and finals are coming up, so I'm a bit on edge right now is all."

He looked at her for a moment as if trying to decipher how true the statement was. When his face relaxed, she figured she must be a pretty good actress.

"If you wanted me to leave you could have just told me to go," he said, simultaneously flopping back onto her bed, thus proving that he was in no rush to go anywhere at all. This is how it had been all week, he would offer to give her some time while more firmly cementing himself into the room, and she would give in to her inner hostess and let him stay.

Now however, with a little of her anger lingering, she gave him a very different answer than he was expecting.

"You know what Eddie, I think I'm going to go."

She started moving around the room, gathering her things. She collected the textbook from the floor, grumbling as she realized he had lost her place, and shoved it into her bag along with several notebooks, pens, and the book she was supposed to have finished for Hetson's class yesterday.

Eddie sat stunned as he watched her. His mouth opened and closed several times, and for once he was lost for words. He couldn't believe that she was actually just going to go out.

As she grabbed her purse and headed for the door, he finally sprang into action.

"I'll come with you, you can buy me a cup of coffee," he tried, aiming for a loveable punk tone. All he got was an eye roll, after all there was only one loveable punk in Joey's life and Eddie couldn't even be considered a poor man's substitute.

"No thanks. I've got to study so I'm just going to go on my own."

Feeling a strange sense of desperation creep in, he blocked her way yet again.

"Well when are you going to come back?" his voice had a needy whine to it that felt unfamiliar to him, after all he had never had to persuade her to spend time with him before. In fact, Eddie was pretty sure he was now getting the brush off, something he was usually the one giving.

"I don't know, later."

Her response held a tinge of annoyance, and as she brushed by him heading for the door all he could do was watch. She closed it behind her sharply, and Eddie couldn't help but notice that yet again she didn't even look back.

It was late when Joey finally returned to the dorms. She stood for a moment in the hallway, pressing her forehead against the cool wood of the door, praying that when she opened it the room would be empty. Praying that Eddie would have regained some of his powers of observation and suddenly realized she wanted some time alone.

Resigning herself to the fact that she wasn't going to get x-ray vision in the next few minutes, thus gaining the knowledge as to whether she might want to head over to Grams' house for the night instead, she stuck her key in the lock and opened the door.

She tried to bite back feelings of bitter disappointment when she realized that her bed was not empty. _If it's this horrible to come home to him, isn't that a pretty good indication that you shouldn't be DATING him?_ She thought to herself. Holding the thought in her mind, she wandered closer, seeing that he was sleeping.

For a few minutes she just looked at his face, illuminated by the glow of the campus street lamp from outside. Here was a man she once thought she could love. He had held possibility, the chance to truly break away from Capeside and be someone new, a Joey Potter that she could invent all on her own.

She had been desperate for this, especially after a summer spent in that town that refused to let her go. Especially after the two men that were her strongest ties to that town had returned, one breaking her heart with familiar memories and gestures, the other breaking her heart with atypical behavior that reminded her of her own father's shortcomings of the cocktail waitress variety.

She had wanted so badly for Eddie to be her ticket to a new frame of mind, that she ignored all the signs that they weren't right. For one, they were both too cynical. The world was fun to share with him at first because of this, but eventually she felt a little sad when he never challenged her preconceived notions. She was pretty sure if she had grown up with him in Capeside he would have firmly shared her belief that she would never get out, and that depressed her.

She had ignored the fact that on a basic level they had nothing in common. Sure they loved literature, they wanted to travel the world, they were both from poor roots, but the little things like 'coke or pepsi' they never had in common. She remembered having tried to play the game for weeks before the holidays, trying desperately to find one thing they agreed on, all under the veneer of fun. Not one time had their opinions intersected. Eddie thought it was stupid to even ask the questions, but she grew up playing games like this and so it made her a little sad to think that yet another part of her that she actually held fond memories of was not compatible with him.

They also shared a penchant for running when the going got tough, something that had hurt her several times over. This alone should have been a sign to let well enough alone, because if someone was always chasing, they would always be one step away from a broken heart. And Joey had certainly had enough of that.

She thought all this as she watched him sleep, letting herself realize all the things she had not wanted to see. After a while, she made her way across the room and crawled under the covers of Audrey's bed. She wasn't ready to cut Eddie loose, knowing he was holding her from running back to the man she wasn't ready for. She wasn't ready to find comfort in Eddie, still knowing that each touch felt like a betrayal. For the moment, she simply let herself off the hook a little bit, allowing herself this time in limbo without judging herself too much. There would be plenty of time for judgment later, hell there was at least one person out there right now who probably hated her enough for both of them.

Instead of dwelling and worrying, she let herself drift into sleep, the beautiful blue eyes of the boy she loved soothing her into dreams of better times and places.

Thursday morning Joey awoke to the feeling of hands running roughly over her body, snaking their way into her pajama top. For a moment in her half dream state she wanted to pretend that the owner of those hands was the very same man she had fallen asleep dreaming about, but even partially asleep there was no mistaking it. No one had ever touched her like Pacey had, she would have known his touch in an instant.

She fought back her crankiness at being woken up, and with it the urge to hip check the owner of the hands out of her bed. She had already given into her violent tendencies yesterday, and a repeat performance was going to bring up more questions than she was willing to answer at this point.

Instead she simply grabbed the offending paws and pulled them from her shirt while turning to face Eddie.

"Good morning," she said firmly, letting a little of her irritation seep into her tone.

"Well it was," he said, voice cocky, completely ignoring the subtext she was trying to shoot his way.

Instead of answering she just sighed, something she found herself doing frequently these days, and swung her legs out of bed to get up.

"Hey Jo, where do you think you're going? First I find you sleeping in Audrey's bed and now you don't even want a little morning action?"

She looked at him incredulously. Did he actually just proposition her when the last conversation they engaged in had turned into something resembling a fight? This was something she would never get used to with Eddie, the way he could just gloss over things that he didn't want to talk about.

If it had been Dawson, he would have had them half a dictionary deep into deconstructing the 'epic incident' and would probably already be running screen tests of a script in his head. Pacey, well he would have probably shown up at her bedside with coffee and flowers, all ready to apologize even if he wasn't entirely sure it was his fault. The thought of him made her wistful, especially when her mind reminded her that had it been Pacey she probably wouldn't have minded the handsy wake-up call, fight or no.

"I'm going to get in the shower Eddie." She kept her words short and to the point, hoping he would get that she was still wanting some space from him.

"Want some company?"

Obviously, he didn't.

"Look Eddie, I just want some space okay!"

The playful look that had been in Eddie's eyes just a moment before disappeared, and his face hardened. He stood and walked to where she had planted herself.

"No Jo, it's not okay. Not until you explain to me what is going on with you. You show up to my house in the middle of the night on Friday and ever since then you've been pulling away. You won't talk to me, you won't let me touch you, and you're starting to piss me off!"

He realized he was yelling and quickly lowered his voice, though his words still had impact.

"I just want to know where we stand."

For a moment she couldn't speak. His outburst had shocked her, his words had made her feel ashamed. She realized she had been treating him pretty badly. It wasn't his fault that she felt guilty being near him. In fact, he had walked away and given her the chance to be without him. It was her choice to go to him right after leaving Pacey. It was her same stupid insecurities, the fears of a little girl from the wrong side of the creek, that had sent her to him. Fears of never being loved, of never growing up, of never getting out. It wasn't fair to Eddie to be treated so hot and cold and she knew it, but it was easier in so many ways to blame him than to look at her own issues.

She took a deep breath to calm the torrent of emotions battling inside her chest before answering.

"I don't know where we stand okay? I know I came to you, but I guess I just thought we were going to take our time and figure this thing out, I didn't expect to gain a roommate within 24 hours." She knew the words were a little harsh, but she couldn't help her frustrations and it was pretty much the truth.

He looked at her appraisingly for a second, as if he couldn't actually believe she didn't want to spend every waking minute with him.

"Okay, answer me this. The sex between us was pretty great right?"

Joey balked at his question. She had forgotten just how blunt Eddie could be sometimes, and she had obviously misinterpreted his earlier question of 'where do we stand'. _Silly me, I thought he meant relationship wise_ she thought sarcastically. _He obviously meant 'why won't you sleep with me'_.

He was still waiting for a response, his right eye slightly twitching indicating that his fragile male ego was obviously at stake here. She thought for a moment just how badly she could crush him if she told him that while the sex with him had been good, Pacey had always been better. Starting to get angry again, she wondered briefly just how fast he would get his stuff and leave if she admitted that she had faked it a couple of times when he hadn't quite gotten her there.

She couldn't bring herself to say those things though, so she just backed away toward the bathroom.

"Look Eddie, I really don't want to talk about that right now. I'm going to get in the shower and get dressed, and then I'm going to do some studying. If you are still here I would appreciate it if you'd let me do that okay?"

She didn't give him time to answer before darting into the small bathroom and shutting the door firmly behind her. She waited a minute to make sure he wasn't going to follow before stripping and getting into the shower, knowing that the mess she had created was only going to get bigger, and eventually she was going to have to deal with it.

A few hours later and he still had obviously not gotten the hint. She was trying, yet again, to study and even the presence of a highlighter and textbook in her hands didn't deterred him from trying to kiss her.

Eventually she had discovered that it was far easier to try and ignore his attempts, letting him nip ineffectually at her neck, chin and cheeks. At least this way she wasn't having to verbally or physically push him away, and she found that if she just imagined him to be a bug, buzzing frequently in and out of her periphery she could pretty much block him out.

She had just gotten to a very crucial passage when he spoke.

"How come you don't want to get with me?"

She looked at him critically. He couldn't have just said what she thought he just said. It must be the art history facts addling her brain. _No one_ said 'get with me', not if they actually expected to get laid, right?

But maybe he had said it, because in the time it took her to collect her thoughts he was already prattling on about 'droughts' and 'hygiene issues'. Before she could give serious thought to the hygiene issue question, especially considering in the five days he had been at her dorm she had never once seen him shower, a welcome distraction breezed through the door.

"Bunny!"

Joey was shocked, not having expected Audrey to be back for another day. Taking in her roommate in a quick glance before jumping up to hug her, she had to admit the blonde was looking good. Rehab had obviously been kind to her, and for a moment Joey wondered if Pacey would notice the glow that Audrey seemed to exude. In fact, she almost seemed like the same old Audrey of freshman year, the Audrey Pacey had gone after.

Though she knew it was not her right, for so many reasons, she could never completely quash the fingers of jealousy that seemed to creep into her stomach every time she thought of the two of them together. It had been bad last year, and now after recent events Joey felt them hit full force. She had even less of a claim over Pacey now than she had last year, yet the thought of him giving it another shot with Audrey made her heart ache.

Before she could delve too deep into the quagmire of her recent emotional and mental state however, Audrey's attention turned to the very unhappy Eddie sitting on Joey's bed. She threw a quip his way, and though from a quick glance Joey could see he was perturbed, she was secretly smiling inside. The jealousy faded to the background as she realized it really was nice having Audrey back.

After only a quick catch-up, Audrey dashed to the bathroom leaving Joey alone with Eddie. She turned to look at him, thinking she might just give him a bland look, but what she saw made her pause. Eddie actually looked acutely uncomfortable. He was giving her a look that was clearly one of hurt and uncertainty.

In that moment Joey realized that despite his terrible lines and pushy behavior Eddie was actually just a guy trying to figure out where he stood with the girl that he liked. She felt a wave of emotion, guilt for doing this to him, sadness knowing already in her heart that she couldn't completely reassure him, anger at herself for getting into this situation. She made a split second decision, and went to sit next to him again.

"She's baaack," she drawled, trying to use humor to lighten the mood. It worked, his eyes quickly regaining their cheer. She wasn't ready for all of it yet, but maybe she could at least start by trying to be his friend instead of just a bitch. She even allowed him to kiss her quickly, feeling like she owed him – and herself – at least the chance to make this into something. Because after all, if she just threw away the chance with Eddie, it really begged the question as to why she had left Pacey in the first place, and that put her focus right back where she didn't want it, on her fear.

.


	6. Chapter 6

The Message

The Message

Chapter 6

Jen was frantic. All week it seemed that everything around her was falling apart and she couldn't stop it. At home she was trying desperately to figure out the situation with Grams. She knew she had to hit the ground running, cancer wouldn't wait for her to get her bearings, but she felt like she had been blindsided by a semi. Her Grams was her stability, and Jen was more scared than she had ever been in her life.

Jack wasn't even living with them anymore, and though she saw him daily it wasn't the same. Just when she needed her support network she felt more alone than ever. She had tried to turn to CJ but found she just couldn't tell him. He was finally in a place where he felt like he could be normal with her, something she had wanted for so long, and she felt like laying this on him would definitely fall under the heading of 'too much, too soon'. She couldn't afford to think about him running for the hills, not yet.

On top of her own problems, she had been desperately worried about Pacey and Joey all week. She and Jack were sharing what they called 'Pacey Watch', alternating times so that he would never be alone for to long. She was glad he had opened up to her on Sunday and Monday, but since then he seemed to have shut back down.

She knew this was typical Pacey behavior, he kept the things that hurt him most close to his heart, but his eyes gave him away every time. Jen knew she couldn't read his eyes like Joey could, hell no one could do that, but she could see the heart-wrenching pain in them.

She was headed over there tonight for dinner before starting set up for the Loveline event being held the next day. She had decided that if he wouldn't talk tonight she just might have to check the Boston Harbor to make sure there weren't any outgoing ships in need of deckhands, because she felt like they were losing him again just like senior year.

Joey was an even harder nut to crack. After learning of the situation, Jen wondered if that was what Joey had really called to talk about on Saturday. She felt bad for not being more receptive to her friend on the phone, but so much had been going on and she had honestly just been in freak out mode.

Joey had never called back, and though Jen had tried her dorm and cell phone several times no one ever picked up. She knew Joey had been the one to call things off with Pacey, and while half of her wanted to bitch slap the brunette and tell her to wake up and smell the love already, the other half of her understood.

Jen knew just how powerful love could be, and just how scary. She had been around to pick up the pieces that summer after Pacey had left, and she knew just how close to completely destroyed Joey had been. She wanted to tell Joey that Pacey wouldn't do that to her again, but she knew right now all Joey was going to do was run.

All Jen could do was put on some running shoes and keep up with her, offering support where needed.

She was taking out all her worries and emotions on the phone cord at The Stand's office while thinking through all these things. When CJ walked in, she had the thought that maybe Joey had it right, maybe running wasn't such a bad thing after all. Before she knew what she was doing she heard herself breaking up with CJ and heading for the door as fast as she could go.

When she hit the sidewalk she whipped out her cell phone. This time Joey better answer because she was in some serious need of coaching. If anyone could teach her how to try and outrun your own heart, Joey could.

The phone rang twice, and then a male voice answered.

"Hello?"

"Uh, is this Joey Potter's room?" Jen knew that it was, but she suddenly felt unsure of everything.

"Yeah, just a second."

She heard the muffled sounds of conversation in the background, and tried to place the male voice, it sounded so familiar.

It hit her suddenly, and she stopped cold in the middle of the sidewalk. It was Eddie. Of course it was Eddie, that was the reason Joey had given Pacey for leaving. Somehow Jen had thought it was just an excuse, maybe it hadn't been.

"Hello?" Joey's voice came on.

"Hey Jo, it's me," she responded, a million questions running through her mind.

"Oh, Jen," Joey suddenly sounded nervous, "Just a sec let me go out into the hall so we can talk."

Jen waited patiently, at least Joey wanting privacy was a good sign of getting information. If the other girl was going to blow her off she would have stayed in the room and made excuses.

"Jen, you still there?"

"Yep. So was that Eddie?" Jen cut right to the chase. She was moving down the street again, quickly darting between pedestrians on her dash to anywhere that CJ wasn't. She wanted to ask Joey what she should do, but found it easier to push her own problems aside and focus on this new development for the moment.

"Yeah," Joey's voice sounded defeated, and a little sad. "So I guess you talked to Pacey huh?"

"I'm not really at liberty to say." Jen knew that Joey already knew the answer, but she still wouldn't _blatantly_ betray Pacey's request.

"Jen, look, before you get mad at me I already know I'm stupid okay. I know that I hurt him, I know he didn't deserve it, and I know I don't deserve him. Believe it or not, I'm actually hurting here too so could you cut me a little slack?"

Jen rethought her tirade, realizing that the situation was going to take sage powers as well as girlfriend powers. Then again, when did Pacey and Joey _not_ require the full extent of her abilities? She spotted an empty table inside one of the many coffee shops and ducked inside. This was going to take awhile.

"Okay Joey, I am in line for coffee so I'm going to ask you something and I want you to really think about it while I get my drink. Do you love Eddie? Or how about even easier, do you think you ever could love Eddie?"

Not waiting for a response Jen stuck the phone in her pocket and ordered her caramel cappuccino. A few minutes later she was sitting at the table, sipping foamy sweet goodness.

Putting the phone back to her ear she asked, "So?"

Joey hesitated, only confirming Jen's suspicions. "No."

"Then why are you with him Joey?"

Joey started to stutter out a response, "I don't know. He's different, and he doesn't know everything about me already, and I can be someone different with him I guess."

Jen took a deep breath before answering.

"Okay Joey, listen to me. Just because he doesn't know about your past doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It's not the people who know too much about you that mess things up, it's you trying to run from who you were. Which leads me to my next point, which is why do you always want to be someone different? The girl you were, the woman you are becoming, is someone who is loved by so many people, and I'm not just talking about Pacey and Dawson. I love you, Jack loves you, Audrey loves you, your family loves you. There is nothing wrong with being you."

Joey started to protest, but Jen had heard the spiel before.

"Nope, I'm not finished. I am going to be blatant here Joey, and you might hate me for a bit but you will realize eventually that I'm right. You are just a scared little girl who's afraid that she's going to be alone. Your issues are understandable, but they are still issues. You have been giving us all the story about needing to grow and find yourself since you were fifteen years old. You left Dawson for it, and now you've just left Pacey for it. If you really think you need to find yourself, you shouldn't be running to the next new warm body as soon as you leave. With Dawson you ran to Jack, and now you're running to Eddie. You want these people to define you, you think they can help you grown because they are 'new' and 'different', but _you_ have to be the one to define yourself. And here is the truth Jo, the most I have ever seen you grow is when you are with Pacey. Whether romantic or not, your relationship with him has forced you to take chances and grow up and become the person you want to be. So to run away from the one man who could help you be yourself because you want to find yourself is stupid. So tell me Joey, why are you really running away?"

Jen could hear the tears in Joey's voice when she answered.

"I'm scared Jen. When he left, you know how hard that was for me. He may be sure of things now, he may think he knows what he wants, but I can't survive him leaving again if something changes. I'm 19 Jen, and I don't know if I'm ready for forever yet."

"Well that is an answer I'll accept. I'm sorry Joey, I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm sorry he's hurting."

For a moment the two friends sat in silence, comfort being passed over the airwaves in silent measure.

"So what should I do Jen?" Joey asked shakily.

"Well, I really want to tell you to stop being scared and go make Pacey a happy man again, but if I've learned anything from watching your romantic entanglements it's that sometimes things just have to take their course. I think you do need to decide if it is worth pursuing a relationship with Eddie first. You said you could never love him, but if you don't want love yet and he makes you happy then you have to decide if that is enough."

"I know you're right, I'm just not sure of that part yet."

"Okay, that's okay as long as you're honest about it with him. But there is one thing I think you need to do, and that is find a way to make things right with Pacey, because I don't think either of you wants to lose the friendship and he is hurting too bad to make the first move."

Jen could almost hear Joey nodding her head in agreement. She thought for a moment about segueing into her own break up with CJ, but felt too emotionally drained to go into it. Plus, it would bring up the whole Grams issue and Jen wasn't ready to share that with anyone yet.

"So you going to be okay Jo?"

"Yeah. Hey Jen?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry I ever hated you. You are a way better friend than I deserve after everything."

"Well Jo, just remember that next time we're out and I want someone to buy my drinks ok?"

Joey laughed, "Okay."

They said their goodbyes soon after, with Joey promising to be at the show tomorrow with Audrey in tow. Sighing, Jen punched in the speed dial for Jack's cell. Knowing Joey, she would take the conversation they just had to heart, and then within half an hour talk herself out of actually taking any of the advice Jen had just given. It seemed that they were now on 'Potter Watch' as well.

She quickly filled Jack in on the new situation.

"So after I come over to do dinner with Pace tonight, I think you should call Joey and make sure she is doing something about Eddie."

"Jennn," Jack whined, "I have a date with David tonight, do I have to?"

"Jack, you probably have better insight into all this than I do, after all you were pretty much Dawson's Eddie."

"Hey, low blow Blondie! Even when I was in the closet I had better hair than that guy!"

Jen laughed for the first time in what felt like a long time.

"That I will give you. Okay, if you can't call her tonight will you give her a call tomorrow morning? I'm going to be swamped setting up for the show."

"Fine, I'll call tomorrow. Happy mistress?"

"Ecstatic," Jen deadpanned, "and Jack, make sure Pacey doesn't hear anything about this okay?"

"I may be pretty but I'm not stupid Jen," he huffed.

"Oh I'm sorry, I must be mistaking you with my other gay best friend. You know, the one who almost flunked out of college because he was so busy doing beer bongs with the frat brothers."

Jack only growled at her menacingly, eliciting another laugh.

"You know Jen, with all the effort we put into our friends' relationships, I'm pretty sure that if our little group was on a TV show, you and I would be relegated to B storylines by now."

"Don't I know it! Maybe that's why I didn't get laid the last two years of high school!" she responded.

It was Jack's turn to laugh. "Well I offered, but I guess I wasn't pretty enough for you."

"Nah, I just love ya too much, and we all know how my relationships end. Sleeping with me would have been your ticket off the little soap opera that is our lives. All my love interests tend to exit stage left pretty quickly."

Saying this, Jen felt a pang in her heart wondering if that was the fate she had just written for CJ.

"Yeah, but I bet I could have gone on to star in my own TV show, you know gotten a real life." Jack joked.

Jen borrowed a Joey move and rolled her eyes, even though he couldn't see her.

"Okay Jack, well you go try and live the dream, I've gotta get back to the house to see Grams."

"Okay Jen, love ya."

"Love you too."

As they hung up, Jen took another sip of her coffee and wished that she could turn her powers on herself for once.

Early Friday morning found Jack in the kitchen at the loft, a mug of coffee in his hands, slowly shedding the vestiges of sleep from his body. Last night with David had been nice. They had gone to dinner and caught a late movie. He was starting to feel the comfortable groove that came with a relationship, and it had been, well, nice. But that one word – relationship – rang eerily in his head, sounding distinctly like a warning bell in his head.

He wondered if maybe he was catching a case of the Joey Potter bug, the one that told you to get while the getting was good.

Remembering his promise to Jen, and thinking he might need the distraction from his thoughts for a moment as they were taking a decidedly gloomy turn, he quickly dialed Joey's cell number. It rang only once before she answered.

"Hello?" He could hear the wariness in her voice, and something that sounded just a little but like hope, and realized he had called from the loft phone, so it might have showed up on her display as Pacey.

"Hey Jo, it's Jack."

He had to give her credit, if she was feeling disappointment or relief that it was just him she didn't let it show.

"Hey Jack I was just on my way to a quiz, what can I do for you?"

"Well, Jen put me in charge of reminding you to follow all her great advice from yesterday," he said, not skirting the truth.

"Ah, I should have known."

"Look Jo, it's not really our business but we care about you. And as much as I love you, if I hadn't figured out I was gay I probably would have been pretty heartbroken if you pretended to have a relationship with me because you weren't ready for Dawson, and that is probably how Eddie will end up feeling about Pacey if you're not honest with him."

"Yeah I know. But right now, it's kinda hard to be anything with him. You know what he keeps saying to me?"

"What?"

"He keeps saying," here she put on a fake Eddie voice, "Why won't you get with me?"

Jack spit out his mouthful of coffee, spraying it all over the counter top. _Note to self, remember to never eat or drink while talking to friends_ he thought, remembering countless spitting incidents. Sometimes the people he loved just said the strangest things.

"Are you serious?"

"Dead. Do guys really talk like that?"

"Not if they expect to actually 'get' some," Jack replied, feeling all kinds of icky just thinking about the phrase. "And you actually chose this guy over Pacey Witter, friend to women?" he asked incredulously.

Joey went silent, and Jack felt himself cringe, knowing he had just entered into hurtful territory.

"Sorry Jo, that was over the line."

"No, um, it's okay Jack. I have to go though, I um I have to go take my quiz now."

"Joey.."

"No, it's okay. I'll see you at the show later okay?"

Jack tucked the phone back into it's cradle and ran his hands over his face in frustration, not knowing what to do that could possibly help the people he loved.


	7. Chapter 7

The Message

The Message

Chapter 7

Pacey was never quite sure how he got through the rest of the work week. All the days and nights melded together, just an endless cycle of sleepless nights, restless days and heartache. It wasn't until everything else around him was so normal that he realized just the extent of what he had lost, and the loss of her left everything a little blurry.

Jack and Jen had hardly left him alone for long enough to shower in the mornings. They were doing the tag team thing, though they denied it vehemently when Pacey called them on it. He appreciated that they cared, but in truth it made him feel little less able to move on. Their worry was a constant reminder of his loss. He was finding that this loss had many more facets than he first anticipated, and each new way of missing her killed him a little more.

The first few days without Joey he missed the romance that had started to reemerge between them. He missed holding her hand, he missed the smell of her, he missed the way she felt in his arms. Every night he curled up with the sweatshirt he had gotten at the K-Mart, holding it to his face hoping to find some residual scent of her. He felt empty without her next to him, and immersed himself in the memories of that one unexpected night.

He gradually began to realize the other things that were now missing from his life. He missed her voice, he missed her laugh, he missed seeing her eyes light up when he'd walk into the bar. He missed the friendship.

It wasn't until Wednesday when he realized he had taken that part for granted for a while now. They had built this beautiful friendship from the wreckage of too much love too soon, and he hadn't even thought what it would mean if that was gone. Over the past two years he had become accustomed to her presence in his daily life.

It wasn't until the middle of Friday that he realized what he missed most of all. He missed the possibility.

Ever since he had gotten on that boat to leave Capeside what felt like an eternity ago, the one secret hope he had held onto was of _one day_. One day she would figure out her Dawson issues, and he would figure out his. One day he could step into the life she was building for herself and fit, not just be on the outskirts looking in. One day he could buy another boat and she would go sailing with him, without him even having to ask.

These _one days_ had lingered in his heart, he had not allowed his mind to think over much about them because then it would hurt too much that one day wasn't now. Eventually the possibility of getting it all right had become a constant background to his life, just like the constant desire to kiss her. He got used to it, accepted it, learned to ignore the buzzing of it when he felt himself on shaky ground.

Possibility had guided his decisions, his thoughts, his actions at almost every turn, in ways he was almost afraid to admit to himself. Because if he really thought about it, he had probably hurt some people along the way as he moved ever onward toward _one day_.

If he thought about it, he would have had to admit that maybe he had pushed her a little too hard toward Dawson so she would start to work those issues out. He had pushed imperceptibly, in the most innocuous of ways, by simply not giving her any reason _not_ to go to Dawson. He had all but given his blessing. He did it even though the buzzing of wanting to kiss her grew to fever pitch every time he saw them within five feet of each other. He did it even though he knew her heart was still healing from his abandonment. He did it when he knew it would be an impossible situation that would lead to some hard choices for the boy he once called brother.

If he admitted that possibility ruled his life, he would have also had to admit that maybe he had gotten together with Audrey to provoke a reaction. Sure, she was fun and pretty and great in bed, but the first time they had kissed his thoughts had been with the leggy brunette that inhabited the room. He had wondered if maybe jealousy would provoke her to come back to him, making _one day_ a now. He had thought that maybe this was the way to get her to see him, really see him, again because after finding Civilization he finally thought he had something to offer.

When she had given her blessing he had gone ahead with the relationship for unclear reasons as well. Sure, it was nice to have someone in his life and in his bed, but if he had allowed himself to think about it he would have realized that the whole time it felt like a giant step backward. It felt like returning to the type of love he had given Andie. It was still love, but it didn't touch every part of him. It didn't creep into the corners of his soul. It didn't inspire him, didn't challenge him, didn't make him crazy. Because only she could do that.

No, he hadn't stayed with Audrey to move on, he had stayed with her to _hold_ on. To be able to be in Joey's life intimately, to keep an eye on her, to take care of her if only by proxy.

He almost slipped on their little road trip from hell. He had wanted to kill that Charlie guy, really wanted to beat him senseless, because there was no way that he was good enough for Joey. And if Charlie was, if some guy in a band with a shady past of infidelity and no real long term goals was good enough for her, then how come he couldn't be? He had let that aggression reign over him the whole night and when Audrey picked up on it he dismissed it as being about her.

But it was never about anyone but Joey.

He didn't think about these things because he didn't like the way he saw himself when he did. He didn't want to be the guy who made someone feel like second best, but everyone was second best to her. He didn't think about it, but he still missed possibility a hell of a lot.

And so on Friday, when the realization fully hit that there was no more possibility, that he had given his best shot at _one day_ and still failed, he left the office even though it was only early afternoon. He found that he couldn't breath, couldn't think, and just had to get out and do something before he imploded.

He got in his car, mindlessly thinking of just driving, far and fast. Luckily the tank was full, and so he started his drive, hoping it would get him to sanity.

He circled the Worthington campus a few times, not even realizing that he had traveled here until it was too late. At a certain point in the road he could barely make out her dorm, could catch the faintest glimpse of her window. He wondered if they were in there, if that Eddie guy was in there with her, being able to touch her, to hear her laugh. He had to force himself to stop the loop and drive on to different parts of Boston, because he knew just a few more minutes and he would have parked the car and gone to find that Eddie guy, and beat him to a pulp.

He found himself driving past the Boston Bay campus next, and remembered that Jen was doing a show today. Looking at the clock he realized it had probably just started. He thought about parking and going in, but she had said it was a ticketed event so he probably wouldn't get in anyway. Instead he turned on the campus radio station, so that at least he could tell her later that he listened. Maybe he might even get a laugh out of people more screwed up than him.

They were in the middle of a question from some guy who had just gotten dumped. Pacey could relate to that feeling of complete cluelessness, the questions of what you could have done differently running through your head, making it impossible to see straight sometimes. He was in the middle of a mental commiseration when he heard Jen's voice address the guy. When she said CJ's name though, Pacey was in shock. He had no idea that things were ending between the two, Jen was definitely going to have to explain tonight.

He was considering what might have been going on with Jen when there was some kind of half heard outburst on the show. Some guy was apparently yelling at his girlfriend for not wanting to talk about sex. Pacey just shook his head at the poor bastard. He had been with Joey, probably the biggest skittish kitten in the world when it came to talking about sex, and he knew that yelling at a girl wasn't going to make her any more likely to talk about it. In fact, this guy was going to be lucky if he got laid at all for the next few weeks.

When he heard her voice he almost crashed the car. He couldn't breath, and while he knew he should turn off the radio right now, for his own sanity, he somehow could not bring himself to do it. He didn't want to hear about Joey's sex life, not with this guy, but a part of him had to know if things were going badly for her.

Deciding it was definitely not safe to drive while listening, he flipped the car around at the next intersection and parked in the Boston Bay campus lot. By the time he turned off the engine he already hated that Eddie guy more than before. He couldn't believe that Joey was letting him talk to her like that! He couldn't believe that he was calling her 'uptight' and making fun of her in front of all those people. He listened, hoping to hear the sound of Joey kicking his ass, but all he heard were her protests, anger and hurt (along with humiliation) evident in every one of her words.

Pacey knew that if he could look into her eyes right now he would see fire snapping in those beautiful chocolate orbs. And he knew there would be the faintest traces of tears hiding, waiting to spill, held back because the girl had so much pride. He would never have done something like this to her, and he wondered if Eddie had always treated her this way.

Eddie was spitting more hurtful things out by the second. Pacey had a bit of cockiness himself, but this guy just took the cake. Why was Joey putting up with this bullshit?

Adam Corolla was talking now, ripping into Eddie, and Pacey started thinking Adam might be his new best friend. He was just about to start composing a song in the radio man's honor, when Dr. Drew stepped into the conversation.

"Joey, is this abandonment thing a big issue for you?"

There was silence on the air, and Pacey felt his heart drop out of his chest, only mildly surprised that it had even still been in their in the first place. Suddenly things were starting to get a little clearer. The way she pulled away from him, the message she had left and then deleted. It was something so very obvious, but it took hearing it this way to sink in. He found himself nodding his head, unaware that every other one of Joey's friends who were listening were doing the same thing.

He had never really thought about what he did as abandonment, after all they had been broken up by the time he set sail. But if he really searched his soul, he realized in a way that was what it had been, for her. He was just another on the list of people that didn't stick around. He had thought for so long he was doing the right thing, that by leaving her he was protecting her. But really, in some way, he should have known he was letting her down.

It had to be done, he knew that. He had to leave for himself or he would have hit rock bottom long ago. When he saw her again in Boston the next fall she had seemed so okay, willing to be friends, willing to let him share in her life. They had never really talked about it, and he realized now that she had always skirted issues about her summer. Pacey knew that if he had wanted to see it, he would have known how hard it was for her. But he had needed so badly to have her in his life, to be friends again, that he had ignored it.

Now, listening to a campus radio show, sitting in his car alone, he realized just how badly he had hurt her, why she hadn't been able to give him a second chance, and his heart was breaking for her. The words from the message she had almost left for him started running through his head and he couldn't help but wonder if he hadn't sailed away that summer if everything would be different now, if maybe hitting rock bottom would have been worth it to keep her from feeling so lost all the time. Maybe, no matter how dark it got, she would still be able to love him. Maybe she would still be able to give him her whole heart without reservation. He almost laughed, realizing that he never would have believed he had her whole heart at the time, if he had stayed he would have been sure part of her belonged to Dawson, so while things might be different right now, they might not be better.

He let himself get lost in thoughts of her, only half listening, until he heard David speak up. Were all his friends in relationship crisis? First Jen, now Jack. _Maybe heartbreak is contagious_? He thought, mildly alarmed at the possibility. He was so wrapped up in trying to figure out what was going on with everyone that he almost missed hearing Audrey's speech.

When he did listen, he started feeling bad, taking on some of the guilt for her downward spiral. He hadn't realized she was back yet, and was feeling even worse about himself when she steered the question in a decidedly dirty direction. Smiling, he realized that Audrey had definitely started bouncing back.

CJ was talking about having his heart ripped out again, and Pacey's head was starting to spin. He had often thought most of his friends could benefit from therapy, but this was like a group session. He had never really realized how neurotic they all were. _Are normal people like this, or is it just us?_ He couldn't help but wonder.

Jen deflected to Joey, and Pacey couldn't help but smile, knowing just how pissed Joey was going to be later. Picturing her getting all riled up cheered him for a moment, until he remembered just how beautiful she always looked angry.

And then Eddie was telling the world that Joey's dad had been in prison, and Pacey couldn't take it anymore. He was out of the car and running toward the auditorium where the show was being held in five seconds flat. He had sat quietly fuming while Eddie insulted the woman he loved, while he embarrassed her, while he let his cocky attitude overshadow Joey's needs, but this was the last straw. He knew how sensitive Joey was about her dad, and for Eddie to so blatantly try to hurt her was too much.

He reached the doors of the auditorium and stood panting, knowing that just beyond was the man he hated more than anything, as well as the woman he loved with equal – if not greater – fervor. If he walked through, there would definitely be a fight, he had been spoiling for one and now he was angrier than ever. He reached for the handle and felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning he saw Jen standing next to him.

"Shouldn't you be in there hosting?" he asked, puzzled by her appearance.

"Clearly you did not hear me utterly failing at my hosting duties. I snuck out the side door," she gestured toward a small door further down the wall.

"What are you doing here Pace?"

"I'm gonna kill that bastard," he said, his voice low and menacing. Jen knew this voice, knew that if Pacey went through those doors someone was going to get very badly hurt.

"Pacey," she put a calming hand on his arm, trying to pull him away.

"No Jen, no one talks about Joey like that. No one."

"Pacey, it's not your fight."

"It's always my fight Jen. When it comes to her, it'll always be my fight."

His eyes were cold and his face was hard, and she knew that he meant the words with every fiber of his being. That was just who Pacey was. But even though she understood this, she also understood that he needed to walk away from this. Gently tugging at him, she forced him to turn his large frame into her small one. She wrapped her arms around his waist tightly, hugging him, needing the contact as much for her own heartache as for his.

He fought it a moment, trying to pull away, but then gave up and hugged her back. They stood for several long moments, clinging to each other desperately. When he pulled back he saw that Jen's eyes were red from crying, and was pretty sure he looked just as worse for wear. His anger had cooled, though not disappearing completely, and he was left with the same hollow ache that had been haunting him all week.

Jen looked at him, understanding heavy in her eyes. "Someday you can save her again Pace, I promise you." He had no idea how she could promise such things, but he trusted her, somehow Jen was always right.

"Jen what's going on with you and CJ?"

She averted her eyes, and he could see the swell of fresh tears.

"It's not CJ, it's just that I have so much else going on and I don't want to burden him," she admitted quietly.

"Maybe CJ can save you now."

She looked up at him then, and he saw so much emotion playing out under the surface of her face. Jen was always so solid, he sometimes forgot just how fragile a thing her heart was.

"Jen, go talk to him. Let him in. And then you come see me and tell me what's going on okay?"

She smiled then, and little laugh dropped from her lips.

"Whose the wise sage now?" she quipped, and got a smile from him in return.

He squeezed her tightly one more time, then pushed her toward the doors before making his way back out to his car.

Inside again, he turned the radio off and steered his car home.

Joey was so pissed off she could hardly speak. She couldn't believe that Eddie had put her on the spot like that, in front of all those people. Harder to believe was the fact that she had so far inflicted little bodily harm on him and was still allowing him to be near her. Her only explanation was that she still felt like somehow this guy had the key to her metamorphosis. If she didn't make this work, then she had broken Pacey's heart for nothing.

There had been a moment, right before she went off stage, when she had felt Pacey's presence. It had always been like that for the two of them, knowing when the other was near. She scanned the audience quickly, but knew he wasn't there. Her eyes strayed to the doors at the back of the hall, willing him to burst through them and scoop her up, giving her no choice in the matter of her future.

She had waited for several long beats, the clip on microphone still in her hand, but he didn't come. It must have only been her heart, desperate for a savior from everything going on around her. Pacey had always been her hero, and she had really half believed that he would show up on cue. When he didn't she realized she was going to have to deal with her issues alone.

Eddie would not leave her alone, still yelling at her for not talking to him every few steps. She was about to show him what a great right hook she had with maybe a knee to the balls for good measure, when Adam stepped in. He went on and on about some weird fantasies or something but then he asked Joey something that hit her hard.

"Let me ask you something, you'd be with this guy if you trusted him right?"

She knew the question was about Eddie, knew the question was about having sex with Eddie, but her mind went to ocean blue eyes, strong hands and warm lips. With Pacey in mind she answered, "Yes," and found that it was true.

At the heart of all her hurt was the fact that she didn't trust him not to break her heart again. The realization saddened her, because in so many ways Pacey was the one person she trusted above any other. And that is when she really thought about her issues. She was afraid to trust, and Pacey was the one person with the potential to kill her if he broke that trust. That was why she ran.

Adam had left, and she found herself facing Eddie. Her mind was still on Pacey though, and when he asked her if it was true that she didn't trust him, she found herself holding the conversation she should be having with Pacey with Eddie instead. It was strangely cathartic, pretending she was talking to the boy she loved while facing the boy she knew she couldn't. She talked about living in a fantasy, they had been doing it since he got back, and it was true. Ever since Pacey had docked in Boston Harbor, they had been living the fantasy role in which they never shattered each other's worlds and broke each other's hearts. They had played the fantasy of being nothing more than friends. But it had to end sometime, and that was what Joey was afraid of, of losing herself completely in Pacey again, only to have him destroy her.

Feeling like she had taken several large steps in the right direction, she felt her soul lighten a little. Maybe just admitting it was the first step, maybe it gave her hope that someday she could fix it and really give Pacey a chance.

Caught up in the moment, she kissed Eddie, thankful to him for helping her arrive at these epiphanies in an inadvertent way. And when she kissed him she realized that Eddie did care about her, he really did in his own weird way. Maybe, if she let him, he could help her on her way to a metamorphosis, even if he wasn't the catalyst.

They got back to her dorm thirty minutes later, and she felt like maybe she was ready to try and find comfort in him for her bleeding heart.

"Hold on a second," she said, heading to the bathroom, needing to breath alone for a moment before going through with it. She washed her face in some cold water, looking at herself intently in the mirror. She heard the phone ringing and Eddie answer it.

In another long moment of self-reflection, she realized she couldn't sleep with him, not just for comfort. It wasn't fair to him, or to herself. And she couldn't help but think of how it would hurt Pacey.

Sighing for what felt like the hundredth time that day, she walked out of the bathroom to try and let him down easily. She knew she couldn't sleep with him, but maybe she could give him the chance to be her friend.

Pacey was pacing the loft, the phone in his hand. He was thankful to Jen for the save earlier, after all he really didn't need to get arrested for assault right now, but he still needed to know that Joey was okay. His fingers fumbled over the numbers, dialing her dorm number.

After the second ring, he had to sit down his knees were shaking so badly. He felt his mouth dry out, and his heart was pounding in his chest. What was he supposed to say to her? He didn't even know if she still wanted his help, he didn't know what she wanted.

The line clicked on and he felt his stomach turn over.

"Hello?"

One word and his world fell apart. He knew that voice, knew the cocky undertone. He was in her room. After all he had said to her, he was in her room. Pacey felt like he was going to throw up, his head was spinning and he actually hoped he might be dying for a moment, just to make it all stop.

Without a word he hung up the phone. Once his head cleared slightly he stood and slowly made his way into the bathroom. Stripping all of his clothes from his body, he climbed into the shower. Resting his hands on the wall for support, he let his head hang under the spray, the warm droplets washing away all evidence of his tears as he sobbed until the water turned cold.


	8. Chapter 8

The Message

The Message

Chapter 8

Saturday again found Pacey sprawled in his bed, trying to figure out exactly how the world kept turning when he felt like his life had hit a brick wall. He was physically and emotionally exhausted, from another sleepless night with too many thoughts running through his head and too many emotions running through his heart. When Jack had come in late he hadn't even had the energy to go find out what had happened with David. Obviously Jack hadn't been looking to talk either as Pacey heard his bedroom door shut soon after.

Now, as the sun crept its way across the floor, a bright and cheery reminder that Boston had not in fact fallen into a hell dimension, Pacey felt that he had reached a deciding moment in his life. Either he could continue on this path of miserable heartache, walking around like a shell of his former self, or he could choose to be happy. He could stay in this bed for another weekend lamenting what he had lost, or he could try his damndest to move on.

He let the thought marinate, his mind replaying every single thing that had happened to him in the past few weeks. He let the memories wash over him this time instead of through him, examining them critically for some form of an answer. When the memory of the night of the dance came he got stuck for a moment. He could see the panic in her eyes, could see the way she tried to pull away. He felt his heart racing again as it had when he laid it on the line for her. It was that memory that almost decided it for him. The thought of that being the last time he got to hold her in his arms made him sure that it was a life of miserable heartache for him, because there was no way he could move past her, the girl he knew was the one for him.

He cut the walk down memory lane short, turning his head into his pillow to avoid the world and the sunlight and the choice. He closed his eyes and willed himself back toward oblivion and sleep, no matter how restless. He was on the verge of darkness, pure exhaustion overriding all else, when he heard the voice in his head again, ringing loudly and pulling him fully back into awareness. The voice on the other end of the phone, the voice that had told him that she had moved on already. It was this memory, of Eddie's voice in her room, that changed his mind.

In one fluid motion he threw back the covers and climbed from the bed. He forced himself to ignore the pangs in his chest and moved resolutely toward his dresser. He pulled on a pair of sweats and a random t-shirt before leaving his room in pursuit of coffee and breakfast. He kept his body in motion, even as he ate, knowing that stopping for even one minute would drain all the willpower from him and place him firmly back in bed, immovably stuck in never-ending melancholy. He pushed ahead, determined that Joey Potter would not get the best of him, even if he still couldn't quite bring himself to think about her face.

Joey was tired. She had stayed up all night talking with Eddie, and the conversation had been emotionally draining. She had decided last night in the bathroom that she would try and let him be her friend, but in order to do that she knew she owed him some truths.

To his credit he had listened and responded without judgment. She had told him about Pacey, not every detail of the past as this would have taken a lifetime of explanation, but the big stuff. And she told him about the 'almost' they had started towards, before he came back. At that point in the conversation she had looked at Eddie, wondering if he would feel badly about interrupting their start, but he only looked at her with the same mildly curious expression he had worn throughout. When she was finished, it was early morning and he had yet to say much more than a word or two.

They sat quietly, him at the head of her bed, she at the foot. Audrey had not come home last night, and Joey had only briefly wondered over it, more thankful really than anything for the chance to have this talk without explaining it all to her too. Finally he had reached out and taken her hand, a simple gesture with no expectations.

"So, Joey, what it sounds like you're saying is that you're in love with this guy." It was a statement, one that Joey had not expected, and it sent all her walls of defense flying up.

"What? I mean I do love him, but I..."

"Joey," he interrupted, "It's okay, I get it. You're in love with him but you aren't sure you want to be. I may not know you well, but I know you well enough to say with absolute certainty that you are afraid of falling back into your past, and that is what this guy represents to you, so I get it."

She looked up at him, desperate to deny the truth of his words, if only because she didn't want to hurt him. And because to say out loud that she was _in_ love with him, to admit that truthfully it was almost more scary to see Pacey representing her future than her past, would be to really and truly fracture her heart, the same heart she was pretty sure was only held together by mass amounts of duct tape at the moment.

When she looked into Eddie's face though, she didn't see hurt. She saw a lazy smile on his lips and compassion in his eyes, and that about sent her headlong into blubbering mess.

"So Jo, again my only real question for you is where do we stand? What do you want from me?"

Looking back down into her lap she shook her head, refusing to meet his eyes. "I don't know."

If he said 'don't you think I deserve a better answer than that' she knew she was going to completely lose it. He saved her from that fate with his own, distinctly Eddie, response.

"Well that's a pretty crappy answer."

She couldn't help but laugh at that, and then he was laughing too, and as she met his eyes she remembered why she had liked Eddie in the first place. He was fun, he was easy to be with. There were no past recriminations or future promises in his eyes, for Eddie there was only the present. Seeing this gave her the courage to give him a real answer.

"Okay, what I want is for us to be friends. I want to take our time and get to know each other, I want to be able to be with you without the fear of underlying motives or the looming presence of an expected physicality," she said sincerely, watching his face for a reaction.

He scrunched up his face for a moment, as if thinking hard about her words. "Will there be kissing involved?" he asked after a moment, only semi-serious. "I don't know," she answered truthfully. "But it is a possibility?" It was her turn to think, but without the comical undertones. "Yeah, I guess it is a possibility, but I don't want it to be an expectation."

There was silence for a few moments as they both thought about what this would mean. "Okay, I guess if we're going to try this friends thing I probably should go," Eddie said reluctantly, breaking the calm. Joey looked up to agree with him, and saw something new in his posture. She realized he didn't want to go, but not because he was trying to get anywhere with her. He didn't want to go because he didn't really have anywhere else _to _go. _It's amazing how perceptive one can be when they stop being so self centered_, she thought to herself, chastising her inner diva for having a decidedly Dawson perspective on life for the past week. She knew how badly others could be hurt when you ignored their feelings to focus on yourself.

Joey made the quick decision to try something new, to make it up to Eddie for being such a bitch to him all week. "Why don't you stay?" she said, the words out of her mouth before she could think about the repercussions that statement might have.

He looked at her quizzically, obviously not sure of her intentions. When he raised an eyebrow suggestively, she grinned. "You can sleep on the floor."

He smiled back, a genuine smile, and she could almost hear a silent thank you in it. He settled himself on the floor beside her bed where she tossed him a pillow and one of her blankets. The early morning sunshine was bound to make sleep hard to come by, but after the night of heartfelt confessions they both needed the rest.

Joey was about to drift off, finally feeling a little at peace with herself, and having made the resolution to try and make things right with Pacey sooner than later in honor of her new worrying about others attitude, when she heard Eddie speak again.

"Don't think this is going to stop me from trying to win you over Jo. I can be your friend, but I'm going to try my hardest to convince you to want more."

She smiled into her pillow, refusing to respond, content for the moment to pretend that life was always as simple as just being friends with the people who loved you.

Jen thought that Pacey's grin was highly suspicious.

After yesterday's near encounter at the show, she was sure she would find him in a depressive state when she came over to relieve Jack of his 'watch'. Instead she found a very cheery Pacey making pasta with a sauce that smelled divine, and a very mopey Jack wrapped up in a blanket on the couch watching Notting Hill.

Clearly, she had missed something.

"Ummm, okay. Obviously I have walked into an episode of the Twilight Zone, so I'll just be going to look for my real friends, you know the ones who haven't one-eightyed on me overnight." She started backing from the room slowly, almost wanting to actually walk out the door instead of having to figure out these new roles. After all, even superpowers have their limits.

Pacey laughed at her before throwing an arm over her shoulder companionably and leading her into the kitchen. Jen thought it sounded a little forced, but decided to withhold comment for the moment.

"You're just so funny Lindley," he said, pinching her cheek with his free hand before reaching for the wooden spoon he had been using to stir his sauce. "Here try this, Jack wants nothing to do with food."

Jen took the offered taste, her eyes trained on Pacey's the whole time, wondering if he had really gone over the edge this time and was poisoning them all in some murder/suicide deal. The grin remained plastered on his face, but this close Jen could tell it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"It's good Pace," she said warily. When he turned back to the stove, apparently satisfied, she moved into the living room to sit at Jack's feet.

"Hey there love of my life, what's got you so down?" she asked quietly. She knew that there had been an incident with David the other day, but she hadn't thought it was this serious. After all, Jack had only been sitting next to some guy, it wasn't like he was cheating or anything.

Jack didn't say anything, but after a moment he turned his body so that his head was in her lap, his feet now at the other end of the couch. She ran one hand through his hair comfortingly, knowing that Jack would talk when he was ready. She wasn't sure if she had any words for him at the moment anyway, there was just too much heartbreak going around at the moment for her to fully process and deal with. At least she and CJ weren't in that category anymore, though she and Grams might still be firmly ensconced in it.

She didn't have to wait for Jack to be ready, as Pacey answered for him.

"Jackers is upset that David freaked out over nothing, and is now trying to implode their relationship because of it. We had a commiseration moment a while ago, after all I am well aware of how much it sucks to have someone run for absolutely no fucking reason."

His tone was light, almost playful, but underlying it all was a definite dose of bitter resentment. Obviously, Pacey was not as cheery as he was trying to pretend to be. Jen looked at him as he dished up plates of food, keeping one hand on Jack's shoulder for comfort. Pacey's movements were sharp, quick, and continual. In fact, she realized she had hardly seen him stop moving since she entered the room. That spoke louder than anything, and Jen was starting to get it. Before she could say or do anything else, Pacey looked up and caught her watching.

She saw his eyes go through a shift, from pain to pleading to hard resolution, and knew that the time for her to offer words of wisdom was done. He was moving on to something else, and whatever it was he wanted no sympathy or love. This was the Pacey that had emerged at Senior Prom, this was the Pacey who walked out on his last final just because he had reached a breaking point. He was hurting and angry and looking to be over all of it. He may not have been sailing away, but Jen realized in that one look that in some way they had already lost him. She wasn't sure yet what that would mean.

"Dinner's served." He delivered the line flatly, almost daring her to push him with the look he gave her. He was just looking for a reason to explode and she knew it, but she wasn't going to give it to him. As much as she loved him, she wouldn't help him self-destruct or whatever it was he looked to be on the verge of doing. Instead she turned her face down to Jack.

"Come on, you have got to eat something so that I don't feel bad about all the ice cream I'm going to ply you with later."

For a moment she didn't think he was going to comply. She was about to try and summon the energy to kick his butt into gear when she heard him sigh softly. Shucking the blanket he sat up and kissed her quickly on the cheek before grabbing her hand and dragging her after him to the dinner table. He kept a hold of her hand long enough to squeeze it comfortingly, looking into her eyes with a soft sad smile on his face. In that moment Jen would have married him, gay or not, because Jack was the one person who didn't make it hard on her. He accepted her love, her advice, her company without making it more complicated than it had to be. He let her feel like a hero, let her see that her powers were working. Since she was pretty sure marrying him would make things with David worse, and put her back on rocky ground with CJ, she smiled back instead.

"This looks really good Pacey," she said lightly, turning her fork around in the noodles. Jack had already started digging in with gusto, apparently not even heartbreak could stop his voracious appetite for long.

Pacey shrugged noncommittally before picking his plate up off the table, moving around the kitchen as he ate. He wouldn't stay still, and Jen was torn between wanting to make him and wondering just what would happen when he stopped.

"So, everything okay then?" she asked, not sure which of the boys she was talking to, or if it was just a general question to the universe.

Jack nodded quickly, smiling again, this one a real one, though punctuated with spaghetti sauce dribbling down his chin. Pacey just gave a short harsh laugh, continuing his path around the apartment floor. Jen sighed sinking back into her chair, her frustration slightly abated when she saw Jack rolling his eyes in Pacey's direction. Clearly he had been at this for a while.

They all ate in silence, and while Jen was sure the food was very good she couldn't really taste it, her mind on the boy moving about the room. She was about to clear her plate and suggest a movie or something, anything to get her out of the apartment, when he spoke.

"Oh, so I forgot to tell you the good news," he said suddenly, as if they had been in the middle of a conversation. Jen wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic, in fact she was having a lot of trouble reading him at all at the moment and it was starting to freak her out a bit.

"Oh yeah Pace, what's that?"

"Well I have got myself a date with a lovely brunette tomorrow night," he said, wiggling his eyebrows at her in what was clearly a comic attempt, but looked a little passive aggressive.

Jen wasn't quite sure what to say. In fact, she was feeling all kinds of confused at the moment. If he was going out with Joey why was he giving off such a bad vibe?

He sensed her unspoken questions and laughed, short and harsh. "Oh no, Jenny Penny, you should know better than that. It'll take at least two years before _she_ wants to go down that road again," another laugh, and Jen gritted her teeth, trying not to let the nickname get to her, knowing he had used it to try.

"No, this boys and girls, is a _real_ woman, you know the kind who might actually put out."

By this point even Jack had stopped eating to stare at the stranger pacing around in his friend's body. He had known Pacey to sleep with women he didn't love, or even care about, hell he had known Pacey to sleep with women whose names he didn't remember, but he had never heard Pacey talk like this. There was something in his voice that put every one of Jack's nerves on edge. He sounded like Rich Rinaldi, and after one -thankfully short – meeting with Pacey's boss, Jack had been eternally glad that his buddy was not that type of guy. Apparently he had spoken too soon.

He looked to Jen to see if she was having the same reaction to Pacey's statement, but apparently Jen had had enough. He barely had time to put his fork down before she was dragging him out of his chair and pushing him towards the stairs.

"Go get dressed Jack, I'm going to have a little talk with Pacey and then you and I will go out for ice cream."

Her tone was eerily calm, with a barely concealed steel edge, and fell coldly on the room. Jack scurried quickly toward the stairs, and it wasn't the promise of ice cream that got him to leave. He was pretty sure Jen was getting ready to throw down and he did not want to be caught in the crossfire.

Pacey had finally stopped his movement. He set his plate on the kitchen island and stood facing her, arms crossed, a smirk on his face. Though she was almost a foot shorter than him, Jen made an impressive presence herself, hands on hips, feet firmly planted, fire snapping in her eyes.

"What's wrong, hit a nerve or something Jenny?" he said smugly, challenging her to try anything.

"And what nerve would that be Pace?"

"You know, the one about girls who put out. Or do you not consider yourself in that category any longer?"

His words stung, hitting deeper than she was about to let him know. Of everyone, Pacey had been the one person who had never made her feel ashamed of her past, never thrown it in her face. Until tonight. She took a deep breath, reminding herself that this was her friend, before answering.

"It was my intent to come over here tonight and be your friend. In fact, if I remember correctly the last time we talked you offered to be mine and I was thinking we could share our problems over tv and ice cream. And believe it or not, despite the asshole act you have going on, I am still trying to be your friend right now. I don't know what changed in the past 24 hours, and frankly I am starting not to care. I get that you are hurting, but try and remember just how much good it did to lash out the last time you were feeling this way. And we are not on a boat, and I am not your girlfriend, so Jack and I are going to walk away in about two minutes unless you decide you want to talk about it like a human being."

She saw the smile falter, saw the blue of his eyes soften, and hoped beyond measure that he would let the façade drop. It was so quiet she could hear the tick of the clock on the side table, could hear Jack's quick breathing from where he thought he was hidden on the stairs. She waited patiently as a war of emotions was fought inside of the man in front of her, prayed quietly that he wouldn't shut them out.

Finally, he dropped his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was so soft she almost couldn't hear him.

"I'm sorry."

He kept his head down and she waited, not knowing if there was more to come, feeling the fragility of the moment.

"I decided today that I was going to move on, and in trying to be happy I think I just let myself get angry." He stood still, fisting and unfisting his hands.

"Moving on doesn't mean you have to push away from us Pacey. We're your friends, you can be angry around us, just don't take it out on us."

He nodded slightly, taking in her words if not fully hearing them. He started to shift from foot to foot, and Jen could see that he was itching to start moving again.

"Pacey, why don't you just come sit for a minute, stop moving and just sit?" Her words were a final plea, asking him to open up to them instead of push away.

He finally lifted his head, and she saw the glimmer of unshed tears as his eyes met hers.

"It hurts too much to stop."

His voice cracked over the words, the tears escaped, Jen forgave him his harsh words because she was just that kind of friend, and before he could start moving again she hugged him. This time he didn't try to fight it, he just hugged back. Soon she felt another pair of arms encircle them both, and Jack's sobs joined theirs in a moment of loving solidarity.

When they finally broke apart, all swiping at cheeks and laughing at what emotional wrecks they all were, there were real smiles on all three faces.

"So what about that ice cream?" Jack asked, squeezing Jen's shoulders, admiring just how amazing this woman really was.

"Sure, Pace you want to join us?"

"I'd like that," Pacey said, looking a little sheepish as he went to get his coat.

"Yeah, then you can tell us all about this date of yours," Jack said, trying for enthusiasm.

"But no crude commentary or I am so gonna kick your ass this time," Jen said, playfully shoving at his shoulder.

Pacey crossed his heart in promise and held open the door for them, smiling as he watched the two best friends a guy could ask for walk ahead of him, already deep in discussion over the qualities of death by chocolate versus cookie dough.


	9. Chapter 9

The Message

The Message

Chapter 9

Pacey looked at his watch for the fourth time in two minutes. It was still only a little past six o'clock, and his date with Sadia wasn't until seven thirty. For the hundredth time in those same two minutes he wondered why on earth he had made the date in the first place.

He knew when he called her he had been angry, hiding under the guise of moving on. He had been walking around all morning with a fake grin on his face, puttering to keep himself from thinking what a sham it all was. He'd been wiping windex off the windows, thinking idly about how impressed Emma would be if she was still here, when his gaze had fallen to the bar below, and his thoughts had taken a decidedly depressing turn. In that moment he wanted to get back at her, to hurt her as badly as he was hurting, and he had thought of Sadia.

He remembered Joey's jealousy that day in his office, remembered the passive aggressive acts she'd used to try and get back at this woman she saw as a threat. At the time it had been endearing, thinking that she cared enough to be jealous. Now it was just a way to find revenge, even if she never knew. So he had called the reporter, made small talk for a minute, then asked her to dinner the next night. She'd agreed immediately, just as he had known she would, and he had cut the conversation short, suddenly hardly able to breathe.

That had been the closest he came to breaking down the whole day – well until Jen showed up. In the few minutes after he hung up the phone he stopped moving, grasping the counter as he tried to steady his heart. He fought the instant urge to cancel the date, to run to Joey's dorm and apologize for something he hadn't even done yet, the urge to crawl into his bed and cry. It was a battle he remembered from his first few weeks on a sailboat the summer after senior year.

_He noticed Melanie right away, any guy with a pulse would have, but it was a passing glance. She was caught up in another of the deckhands at the time anyway, so they barely had contact at first. Truthfully, Pacey was so amazed at the ready availability of booze that he hadn't even spared her a thought after that first initial glance._

_The first few days away from Capeside he thought he might actually die from the loss of everything he left behind. Luckily, the other guys he crewed with were more than willing to help him ease his broken heart and troubled mind by taking him to all the bars with a liberal carding policy that they knew. He had started with whisky, beer chasing it down, but soon found that tequila was easier on the stomach. When there wasn't a bar that didn't card, or when they spent the night out on the water, there was always a bottle of something floating around under someone's bunk._

_The alcohol was an easy escape at first. He could drink until the memories of Joey became fuzzy in his mind, until he could hardly feel his fingers, fingers that had once brushed through silky dark hair and over smooth honeyed skin. If he drank enough he could pass out, a welcome relief when sleep refused to come. He decided that maybe this is what his whole life had led up to, him and a bottle forgetting the world._

_After a few weeks, the lifestyle started to have an effect on him. It took more to make him forget, and while he got used to the feeling of waking up with his system still clouded and his head pounding, somehow the clarity of her was even more distinct after the hazy nights. But he didn't know what else to do. _

_The moon was full and the stars were shining brightly the night Melanie first sat down next to him on deck. He had been looking intently at the sky, trying to find the answers to his heartache, seeing Joey's face every time he closed his eyes. He had imbibed more than his fair share for the evening, feeling his pain acutely in his chest the further south they traveled, as if his very soul was being ripped from his body with each passing mile, that ephemeral part of himself being left behind on a dock with a girl whose dreams were too big for him._

_He tried to ignore the presence at his side, hoping she would just leave him alone, and for a few minutes Melanie sat quietly. He had resigned himself to simply blocking her out, concentrating on his inner turmoil when she asked._

"_Who is she?"_

"_No one anymore," he answered, not sure that it was the truth but needing it to be in that moment. Frankly he was surprised he had even answered. Melanie nodded thoughtfully, before placing a hand on his thigh. "Do you want some company?" He knew from the way her hand started to drift up his leg that it wasn't a friendly offer. For a moment he was unable to breath, his chest constricting with overwhelming pain and sorrow. His eyes remained fixed for indefinable seconds on the stars._

_Eventually, as his vision blurred with unshed tears he turned away from the night sky, and let her kiss him. _

_His first thought was that she tasted wrong, she tasted like mint and money, whereas Joey had always tasted sweet and warm, Joey had tasted like home. The difference of it shocked him, and he fought the urge to pull away. He didn't know why he stayed anymore than he knew why he was so desperate to go. After a few moments he just surrendered to the moment, his mind swirling with broken promises, lost tomorrows, and too much José. _

_He felt her hands snake over his shoulders as she straddled his lap, pulling him closer. He felt a desperation in his gut, desperation to feel anything else, anything other than the weight of sad brown eyes softly asking him to stay. He could lose himself in this, in the physicality of this act with this other someone. He needed to get lost, and so he responded in kind, letting his hands roam over her body, its curves and planes so foreign to him. _

_It had been quick that first time between them, they hadn't even taken off their clothes. She simply unzipped his shorts and pushed aside the bottom of her bikini before sheathing him in a condom she produced from seemingly thin air. Impaling herself on him, she rocked against him with practiced ease until they were both spent. She kissed him quickly when they were done, before adjusting her clothes and moving below deck, leaving him alone again with the stars._

_The whole night he lay there, silent tears running down his face, a silent apology directed to the heavens, to the girl who he had betrayed if only in his heart._

Now, all this time later, he felt the ache of betrayal in his chest again. It never completely left, not even after Melanie became a regular past time for him. Not after a few women in Boston, not even when dating Audrey. But it had helped him move on then, and he was hoping it would help him move on now, so as his breath had started to return to normal he hadn't called Sadia to cancel the date and he firmly pushed the pain away. It was the only way he knew how to get Joey out of his head, if only for a little while.

Now, with a whole hour and a half to go until he embarked down that path, he found the ache returning in small increments making him anxious and a little nauseous. He fidgeted with his tie, and then with his jacket, wondering why on earth he had gotten dressed for the night so soon. He also wondered briefly what Sadia would think if he showed up in a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts, ready to take her to mini golf. The thought led him right back to Joey and memories of dates past with a girl who loved him no matter what he wore or how much money he had in his bank account.

Deciding there was no way he would last the next hour if he didn't do _something_ he made a split second decision and headed out. As he crossed the street toward Hell's Kitchen, he was again thankful that he'd made Jack check the shift schedule so that he would know when Joey was working. Tonight was a safe night, and Jack had headed over with Jen earlier for some fag/hag banter and a game of pool.

Jack had just settled into the booth across from Jen, his stomach already rumbling from the faint promise of food, when he saw a familiar brown haired waitress making her way over. His eyes widened just a fraction as Joey came to a stop at their table, feeling inordinately glad that Pacey had declined their offer, as it had been he who had given Pacey the information about Jo's schedule, and he didn't really want to deal with the fallout of being wrong.

"Hey guys," Joey said lightly, seeming upbeat. Jack, however, had known her long enough to take in the subtle signs of distress and paranoia that seemed to cling to her edges. Her eyes flitted randomly around the bar, searching, before briefly stopping at the large front windows, their gaze titled upward for a moment toward a loft, not visible from this angle, across the street. The slight flutter of her hand motions, smoothing, tucking, dancing around her body like they had a life of their own. Oh yeah, and the sheen of panicked sweat he could almost envision breaking out on her brow.

"Hi Jo!" Jen responded enthusiastically, and Jack knew she had seen the signs as well.

"So, um, are you guys here by yourselves?"

Joey had never been very good at subterfuge, or in this case easy nonchalance, and so of course Jack saw right through her to the real question, that being 'is there any chance I am going to see Pacey joining you in the next few hours?'

"Yep, just us," Jen was replying, and Jack found himself wondering how the woman could process all the subtext and still reply in such a timely fashion. Frowning, he wondered if he was off his game – usually being able to convert subtext to text both verbally and mentally, as well as adding witty commentary all in the space of a few nanoseconds. You didn't survive in this group without the skill. The fact that he had barely processed the subtext, let alone started the translation, before the conversation had moved on made him worry. Maybe Jen was right and all the frat house beer really had killed too many brain cells.

He snapped quickly back to the world outside his mind when Joey offered to take their order. After adding his request for a coke and burger with extra fries on the side to Jen's diet coke, he flashed Joey a quick grin that he hoped said both 'I feel for you in your time of emotional upheaval' and 'I'm on to you sister, don't think I don't realize you were asking about Pacey'. Clearly his look giving skills had faltered as well, because Joey just shot him a smile back that said vaguely 'I'm glad we're friends Jack' and 'why the hell are you grinning at me like an idiot?'

She walked away from the table a moment later, leaving a promise to bring their drinks right back and Jack miserably appraising his skills.

"So, do you think she looks like she's sleeping with Eddie?" Jen asked suddenly, causing him to be grateful for the lack of anything liquid in his mouth that could be spit out. He gaped at her for a moment, then succinctly lifted his jaw off the table and turned to appraise Joey.

She was at the bar waiting for their drink order, and he could see her restless shifting from foot to foot. She looked tired, worried and a little spacey, but she definitely did not have a post-coital glow. Any one else might have followed the line of thinking that she might have had sex a day or so ago, thus negating the need for any sort of glow at this moment. Jack, however, knew Joey, and her glow always seemed to last for days on end, or at least it had back in high school. Thinking about it, he realized he had not really detected any glow on her earlier in the year when she had slept with Dawson either. This of course led Jack to the only logical response to Jen's question.

"Nope, either that or he's really bad at it."

Jen looked at him for a moment, then covered a smile realizing that he too had been thinking about the 'Dawson' incident, and how they had privately agreed after the disastrous 19th birthday party that Dawson must have been pretty bad at it if Joey had been so mad, and without an ounce of glow about her. Jen, of course, had an insiders view on the matter, but refused to comment on her own tawdry Leery experiences saying, "It's not nice to kick a bad lay when he's down." This, of course, had been met with a cascade of Jack's giggles and a frantic begging for it to stop before he peed himself.

"Yeah, I think you're right, she definitely does not look like a girl who is getting any," Jen opined, staring at Joey appraisingly as she weaved her way back toward their table. "Did I look like that for the last two years of high school, or does her added angst make the 'I'm not getting any' _non_-glow even more pronounced?" she asked, only semi seriously.

"You, my dear, were beeyoooutiful, you glowed consistently," Jack fawned, big fake admiring eyes fluttering their lashes at her in a sickly sweet display.

"Were?' Jen asked him, eyebrow arched.

Ignoring the pointed look she was shooting him, Jack continued. "Well, glow or not she looks better than Pacey has these last few days, not that he'd want her to know that." he said sadly, knowing how hard his buddy was taking things.

"Yeah, I think that whole Loveline thing just made things worse all around. I wish I had never even told him about the damn show in the first place," Jen muttered.

"I bet that's a day he wishes he could go back and direct all over again," Jack agreed.

Jen nodded but before the conversation could go any farther, Joey had arrived, and was distractedly unloading their drinks. She looked like she wanted to say something, but wasn't quite sure how.

After everything was off her tray and onto the table she stayed, pulling at a piece of hair that had come lose from her ponytail. Jack just waited, knowing she wanted to ask something but not knowing what to say. Jen was silent too, obviously trying to give the other girl a chance to speak. Instead Joey just tucked the errant hair back into the elastic and with a wobbly smile started to leave.

"He's doing okay," Jen said softly, and Joey looked up at her quickly, naked emotion in her eyes. She let out a quick puff of breath and a half laugh at herself.

"Thanks." Joey looked at Jen sincerely.

"I think he would be doing better if you would talk to him," Jen offered gently.

Jack looked at her like she was crazy for a moment, wondering if the statement was true at all. He had a feeling that meetings between Pacey and Joey might leave his roommate in a big ol' ball of very angry or very sad, two things Jack did not like living with. But as he saw Joey's eyes soften, and heard the shaky breath she took and the crooked smile she offered, he realized that Jen had always been better at figuring these things out. Though he still prided himself on talking a bride out of fleeing her wedding way back when.

"I want to, I mean I will, it's just…" Joey trailed off, and Jack felt sorry for her. He felt sorry for Pacey, he felt sorry for the whole sorry situation. He took a moment to just appreciate that he had found his sexuality before Josephine Potter was able to completely wreck him too.

Joey offered them both that tilted smile again before moving off, nipping further entreaties, accusations, or offers of support in the bud. Realizing he had again contributed nothing to the proceedings, busy playing catch up with his own thoughts, he was brought back to the startling conclusion that his game was definitely not as good as it had been a few years ago. He was sucking down his soda, wondering idly if he would be outcast from the group once they noticed his failing, and if there was a 12 step program to wean you from subtext, angst and drama, when he glanced across the table and saw Jen with 'The Face'.

Jen liked to call it her 'thinking face' but as Jack had seen her think plenty of times without it he preferred the much more specific titling of 'evil scheme face'. He felt a heavy lump of wariness, anticipation and childlike excitement sink into his stomach with the remains of his coke as he let the straw fall from his mouth. He had to admit Jen's plans usually worked out, but never without their fair share of drama and casting of aspersions first.

"Whatcha thinking?" he asked, trying for the nonchalance Joey had never mastered.

When she smiled at him he saw a flash of mad scientist in her eye, and when she spoke there were the distinct undertones of power hungry megalomaniac in her voice. Jen was about to play God, and god help the poor souls she had chosen as pawns.

"We have got to get those two together," she said slowly.

Jack blanched further. Not only did he not want to live with 'very sad' or 'very angry' but he really didn't want to live with 'very manipulated' especially since it would probably lead to Jen being banned from watch duty, leaving him to cope with the things flying at his head solo. And given his recent discovery that his brain was lagging, he really didn't want to be up shit creek without his little blonde haired paddle.

"Jen, I don't know if that's such a good idea. Maybe they need some time to figure this out on their own," he said warily, knowing it was already too late to talk reason.

"Oh no, those two will just avoid each other and leave the issue until it has festered to the point that it becomes unfixable. We have to get them together soon, so they can just work it all out." Jen sounded authoritative, and he knew she would eventually sway him. But he had to put up the metaphorical fight, it was the only way to get the plan out of her and he really didn't want to be in the dark on this one.

"But Jen, Joey is with Eddie, and Pacey is hurting pretty bad. I don't think they're going to get back together anytime soon."

"I don't mean they have to be together Jack. I just mean they need to figure out a way to be friends again before they lose everything they have built these last few years. Those two need each other, and it's our job to make sure they don't blow it," she stated, convinced by her own words.

"Does it have to be our job? I mean we don't even get paid," Jack whined back halfheartedly. He was really whining just for whining's sake, knowing the battle was lost.

"It's foolproof," she started, clearly plans already being drawn up somewhere in her head. Lost in her own little world she continued, "I mean if those two bump into each other they'll have to figure it out." Jen's head was bobbing wildly, and Jack missed for a moment the curls that used to bob along with her.

"I mean," now she was addressing him, "when have you known Pacey to be able to resist Joey?"

Jack put on a fake thinking face, already having an answer in mind. _Hey, maybe his brain cells were regrowing!_ "Um, hmm Jen let me think. Oh yeah maybe Senior Prom, or when he sailed away for three and a half months even though they still loved each other, or for five weeks in Boston at the beginning of freshman year," Jack began ticking the incidents off on his fingers, but Jen clearly wasn't listening.

"And for that matter," the blonde continued, "When has Joey really been able to resist Pacey's charms?"

Again, Jack looked at her like she was delusional before starting a list on his other hand. "When they first got together and Dawson made issues, when she told him he could date Audrey even if she still loved him, and oh yeah, and about a week ago when she sent him home in a state of soul-crushing depression." He punctuated his last item with a withering look but Jen failed to notice.

"Exactly, and what does this prove?" she asked excitedly.

"That those two should be no where near each other when formal wear is involved. Well, and of course, that you are clearly insane." Jack stated calmly.

"No, Jack. All the times they stay away from each other or hurt each other it's because they over think things. In each of those situations their brains got the better of their hearts and convinced them of things they didn't really want to do. So what we need is an unplanned encounter, that way they can only act and react, not think." She reached her conclusion with another authoritative nod of her head, and Jack could only hope he was around to witness this unplanned interaction, not only for fringe entertainment value but because there were bound to be many pieces to pick up afterwards.

Though looking at Jen, now sipping contentedly at her soda, he had to wonder. Because somehow, his best friend was always right about these things, no matter how disastrous they seemed.

Pacey stepped lightly onto the curb, already glad that he had come, relaxation starting to spread throughout his body as he pulled open the door. He spotted Jen and Jack immediately in a booth off to his left, and headed to join them, a genuine grin on his face. Jack saw him first, and Pacey faltered a step when he saw a panicky look cross his roommate's face. Jen turned to him then, and he thought he saw her eyes open just a bit wider than normal before she put on a welcoming smile.

He came to a stop next to the table, looking between the two for some form of explanation as clearly something was going on. Jack opened his mouth to speak, but there was a loud thump that Pacey was pretty sure came from Jen's foot connecting with Jack's shin.

"What's going on guys?" he asked, mildly suspicious that they might have just been talking about him. Jack just glared sulkily in Jen's direction, but the blonde looked at him with a cloyingly sweet expression. "Oh nothing Pace, we were just chatting."

"Mmmhmm," he answered, his tone one of disbelief.

"Why don't you have a seat," she started, before abruptly switching tact. "Actually, could you be a gem and go put on a song for me at the jukebox?" she stated, shoving a dollar at him.

He looked at her again, feeling like she was up to something but he wasn't quite sure what. "Okaaaay, what song do you want me to pick?" "Oh, I don't care you decide," she said, pushing at his arm to get him moving. Pacey was starting to feel decidedly uncomfortable, knowing that something was going on, but the duo wasn't being very forthcoming so he made his way over to the jukebox anyway.

He had almost reached it when he bumped right into her. He instinctively reached out his hands to steady her, grabbing her hips gently. When she looked up into his face, a startled look that he was sure mirrored his own, he froze for a moment.

She was so close he could feel the warmth radiating off of her. He could smell the scent of her shampoo, could see the flecks of green and blue and gold in her eyes. His eyes focused on her full lips, barely parted in surprise. Her tongue darted out and ran self-consciously over her lower lip, wetting it. The desire to kiss her was strong, overriding the pain in his heart and the screaming in his head. His fingers dug into her hips slightly and he had to fight the urge to pull her flush against him. She was staring back just as intently and he could hear her breath coming fast, in little hitches.

"Pacey," she said breathlessly, so quiet it barely made it off of her lips. The sound of his name coming from her mouth made his knees weak and he was afraid he wouldn't be able to stand for much longer. She was leaning into him almost instinctually, one of her hands starting a slow slide up his chest, the other grasping his arm. He started to lower his head towards hers, no longer in control of his actions and he felt her move to meet him. He could feel her breath on his cheek and knew her lips hovered directly in front of his.

"Excuse me miss, you were taking our order I believe?"

The voice was harsh, rude undertones breaking into the moment and suddenly she had pulled back. His hands were now empty, his head spinning at the loss of contact. The pain in his heart was a tidal wave, coming back full force as he realized exactly what he had been about to do. He looked at her, his eyes those of a lost little boy, but she wouldn't meet his gaze. Her face was flushed and she tugged distractedly at her ponytail as she finished taking the table's order.

He caught her arm as she started to turn back toward the bar. "Jo," he wasn't sure what he wanted to say, he just didn't want her to walk away quite yet. She looked at him then and smiled crookedly, breaking his heart for the millionth time. "Just a sec Pace, let me place this order and I'll take a break okay?" He nodded mutely, surprised that she was offering him this much.

His eyes followed her as she went to drop off the ticket, watching her hands as they undid the apron strings from around her waist where his own hands had been moments ago. He watched as she smoothed down the front of her shirt nervously, tucking strands of hair that didn't exist behind her ears. When she reached him she paused, clearly unsure what to do next. He couldn't give her any answers, still in a daze at just being this close. After a moment she tugged on his arm, leading him into the break room in the back.

Thankfully, the room was empty for the moment. Or maybe not, maybe it would be better filled with chatting coworkers, because then the silence between them wouldn't seem so absolute.

"So," she said, shrugging apologetically at him at not having anything better or more profound to say.

"So," he echoed. "I thought you had the night off." He realized once the words left his mouth that he had implicitly stated that he had checked her schedule.

"I'm filling in for someone," she said softly, ignoring his slip.

Silence fell once again between them, until she finally spoke.

"Pacey, if you don't want to talk to me I understand. I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry for that, I never wanted to do that." Her voice was quiet and she kept her gaze fixed on the floor. It was killing him that she wouldn't look at him, he had always needed to see her eyes in moments like these, always needed to know what she was feeling. He didn't answer her, not sure what to say, not sure if he even had a voice anymore to say it with.

She was wringing her hands, and he was pretty sure if she looked up she would be chewing on her lower lip. When she realized she wasn't going to get a response, she let out a gust of breath before trying again.

"I don't want to lose you Pacey. I want you in my life." The words hit him hard, but not as hard as her eyes when she finally looked up at him. In them he saw that she was hurting too. But he couldn't bring himself to believe she was hurting because she missed being with him.

"You're the one who put us here Jo." He heard the words come from his mouth even though he didn't remember forming them.

He saw her eyes well up with tears, and instantly regretted the words and the hard tone he had spoken them in. He heard her breath hitch on something between a sigh and a sob before she answered. "I know. I'm sorry Pacey, I'm so sorry, I just…" He interrupted before she could finish, his mouth now clearly having a mind of its own. "Are you sleeping with him now?" She looked at him shocked, and he felt the same mean smirk that had inhabited his face yesterday creeping up.

"Cause you know, I heard on the radio that you two were having a little trouble in that department. But when I called the other night it sounded like you might have gotten that all worked out." His words were pointed, and they hit their target with deadly force. She actually recoiled a step, and he found both pleasure and pain in eliciting that reaction.

"You called?" her voice almost broke over the words, her eyes wide with surprise, her body still reacting to his harsher words. He looked away quickly, realizing that yet again he had revealed too much. When he chanced a glance back in her direction her eyes were tidal pools, just waiting to spill.

For a moment he thought she might break down completely, but she steeled herself. "No, we are not sleeping together," she said, answering his question. The answer surprised him, and he felt a little guilty at having been so harsh. Then again, it was probably only a matter of time before she _did_ sleep with him.

"Too bad for you," he answered, tone flip, anger overwhelming pain.

She stepped toward him again, reaching out a tentative hand, placing it on his arm gently. The contact almost did him in, and he again had to fight the urge to fall at her feet and beg her to love him.

"I'm sorry I hurt you Pacey. I understand if you don't want to see me anymore, but I hope you know that I love you and I'll always want you in my life." She spoke the words softly, and kept her brown eyes locked with his the whole time, letting him know the truth of them.

His hand instinctually reached up to caress her cheek, but he checked the motion. She was no longer his to touch, and while she might want him in her life she didn't want him to play that role anymore. Instead he stepped back from her touch, ignoring the hurt in her eyes at his actions.

"I've got to go, I have a date," he heard himself saying. He didn't want to hurt her anymore, but he didn't want to hurt either and throwing that between them seemed like as good a barrier as any. He saw her eyes widen and the pain grow in them. Her posture stiffened and she looked like someone had physically slapped her. "Oh," she said, her voice a little shocked. "With Sadia." _God he just couldn't shut up!_ he thought, not sure why he was taking this little trip to Torture Central.

"Oh," she said again, this time refusing to meet his eyes, turning her head slightly to mask her expression. Yesterday when he had made the date, this is what he had wanted to accomplish. He wanted her to feel this way, the hurt, the questions, the restless tossing at night wondering if he was touching her, if he was moving on. Now he just wanted to hold her and soothe away the look his words had caused. He suddenly wished he could take it all back, even the good parts, take it back all the way from 16 on just so they couldn't do this to each other anymore. But he knew an instant later that he wouldn't trade a single one of the good parts, not even to stop the way they were feeling now.

He searched for words to at least help ease the situation, always wanting to protect her heart even when she didn't give the same courtesy to his, but she was already brushing past him back into the main bar. He reached to grab for her arm again but she jerked it from his grasp and kept moving.

He trailed her slowly, weaving through the crowded room. He saw her open the front door, stepping out into the cooler night air. His eyes briefly met Jen's and he cringed at the look she was giving him. He knew she wouldn't be happy with him once she heard about the display he had put on, knew she would want he and Joey to work it out instead of throwing barbs at each other. He couldn't explain to her in a look that he had to do it to save himself so he just tore his gaze away for the moment and walked outside after Joey.

He found her leaning against the brick wall outside, one hand over her eyes, the other on her stomach, as she tried to fight off the tears. He walked slowly, not really even knowing why he had followed her. He didn't have anything to say that would make it better, and he already knew she couldn't make it better for him. She stilled, sensing his presence, and turned away to quickly swipe at the tears she didn't want him to see.

In that moment Joey wished the ground would open up and swallow her, she wished for another mugger to come and take her away at gunpoint, she wished for anything just to get her away from Pacey and his eyes that could see into her soul. No such tragedy was forthcoming however, so she wrapped her arms around herself to fight off the urge to wrap them around him. Even when he was hurting her, he was the one she wanted comfort from. No one could make the pain go away like Pacey and his warm, strong arms.

She chanced a look at his face, and saw his heart opened as clear as a book in his eyes. She could see the damage she had done, could see the struggle in him between the part that wanted to walk away and the part that wanted to hold her. She knew she had no right to judge anything he did with his life, and especially not who he saw, but she couldn't stop the pain in her chest. Her own defenses were steadily weakening, and she wasn't sure how to do this anymore, she wasn't sure how to be his friend.

She realized then that Pacey was her best friend, he had taken that spot from Dawson. She remembered a conversation by the bathrooms at Leery's Fresh Fish, when she had told him that in ten years he would be the person that knew her best. She thought now how wrong she had been, and how hurtful it had been to say it. Because here, standing in front of her barely two years later, was the person who knew her best, and who had known her best for a long time now. Standing in front of her was her best friend and she didn't know how to talk to him anymore.

The silence was palpable, too many words that couldn't be said passing between them. She searched his face for some sign that eventually they might get through this, searched the alarmingly blue depths of his eyes for an answer to a question she couldn't even form. Deep down, under all the hurt, under all the anger, under all the questions and recriminations and shattered bits of heart she saw her answer. Deep down in his eyes she saw love, and knew it was reflected in her own.

She didn't know who moved first but suddenly she found herself in his arms, pressed against his broad chest, sobs wracking her body as she held onto him for dear life. She felt his lips pressed into her hair, heard the hitch in his breath and felt the warmth of her teardrops as they fell from her cheeks, soaking into him. She bunched the material of his jacket in her fists, pulling him closer, needing the contact so badly. He had one arm around her waist, one around her shoulders and she thought she had never felt so protected in all her life.

"I'm so sorry Pacey," she whispered, her voice hoarse. He didn't respond, just clung tighter, and she knew he wanted this moment to be so much more. She almost gave it to him, almost just gave in and let him sweep her away on the tide of their emotions, but she knew that wouldn't be fair. She wasn't ready for forever, not yet. Instead she just took solace in the contact, in the silent promise he offered her that no matter what he would be in her life.

Eventually they broke apart, reluctant to let the moment pass, but knowing it was over. He wiped a tear from her cheek with the pad of his thumb, the sensation both rough and warm and hitting her straight in the heart. "You okay Potter?" he asked gently, no malice in his voice. She nodded, a teary smile on her face, and squeezed his hand in her own, trying to offer him some of the strength he had given her. He looked at their joined hands for a moment, possibility flashing briefly in his mind, before he let the more somber shades of missed chances settle into his eyes.

They separated slowly, her heading back towards the bar door, knowing that her break was surely over by now. She smiled at him again, hoping that it didn't look as bittersweet as she felt. "Have fun on your date," she said shakily, but without hostility. He wanted to tell her that he would cancel in a moment if it would make her feel better, if it would make her smile more sweet and less bitter, but his throat was choked with emotion.

She lifted her hand briefly, a soft gesture of parting, as he stepped out into the street. He returned the gesture before he turned back toward his building, head hanging, step heavy, but his heart a little lighter. When he was just at the entrance he turned back, wanting one last look at her. What he saw was a brown haired man, slightly familiar from his days as a Hells Kitchen bartender, sweep her up in a hug before placing her back on the ground. His heart stilled, watching her laugh and swat Eddie on the arm before she let him guide her back into the bar. Sighing softly, he made his way back up to the loft, knowing there was a long road ahead.


	10. Chapter 10

The Message

The Message

Chapter 10

By the time Sadia showed up Pacey was already on his third drink, which was about one drink _after_ jovial and one drink _before_ reminiscent, and all in all it was not a bad place to be. He stood from the bar when he saw her walk in, made his way over on almost steady feet to kiss her on the cheek in what he hoped was a gentlemanly fashion. From the look on her face, a slightly quizzical yet not entirely unamused expression, he figured that maybe the third drink put you right into roguishly handsome drunk. She didn't seem to mind.

He hadn't planned on drinking so much, it just kind of happened in the waiting. Part of that was his fault, part hers. He had arrived at the restaurant where they were meeting forty minutes early, having nowhere to really go after his encounter with Joey and not wanting to hang around the empty loft with only his thoughts. The responsibility for the first drink therefore was entirely on him. Sadia had shown up to the restaurant forty minutes late, he assumed because of either a. a work/makeup/family related emergency or the more likely b. she liked the power of having men wait on her, considering what most would think of as blatantly rude the 'fashionable' thing to do. So for this, he figured she held responsibility for his second drink. The third drink, well that was the tricky one. That one he decided, halfway through, he blamed on smarmy ex-bartenders who liked to steal possibility right out from under you. This answer satisfied him, and felt at least partially like the truth. The fourth drink, the one he knew he would end up ordering during dinner, the one that would put him smack dab in the middle of depressingly reminiscent about true love and coulda, woulda, shoulda, well that drink he was going to blame entirely on a pair of big brown eyes. And after having that fourth drink, he would probably have to admit that the other three had been all about her too.

But he hadn't ordered that slippery slope of a drink yet, so he was still in roguish and charming territory, a role he was well versed in even though it hung a little tiredly around his neck these days.

"Glad you could make it," he said, humor lacing his words.

She tossed her hair in what looked like such a practiced move to his eyes that it was almost a turn off.

"Well, you know, traffic," she threw out on a smirk that he was sure was supposed to look sexy.

"Hmm," he said noncommittally, not really wanting to play the game all night, knowing he was going to get laid already, and wishing desperately to just cut through the bullshit.

Where were the days of slutty rich girls whose idea of foreplay was asking if you'd like some company? Because right now, that kind of company was what Pacey was looking for. He wouldn't even be adverse to having a nice simple conversation over dinner first. What he hated was the push and pull mating ritual that so many women seemed to have down to a science.

He knew the steps to this dance, knew the looks you were supposed to give, the compliments you were supposed to pay. She'd act aloof while undressing him with her eyes until they ordered drinks, she would order wine – they _always_ ordered wine.

While waiting for said wine, he was supposed to make a comment about her appearance. There was a need for some finesse at this point, some women preferred if you noticed their dress, others liked if you commented on something small like a necklace or hair clip. Some liked a direct comment about their looks, something along the lines of 'leggy brunettes have always been my type'. You didn't, of course, ever let on that you were thinking about another set of legs and chocolate tresses when you said this.

Two sips into her drink she'd start the flirting. It would be something like, 'It took you long enough to call me', followed by a licking of the lips or an overly sexualized third sip from the wine glass. His role would be to make an excuse that made him sound far more deep and complicated than he actually was, then toast to something as equally filled with innuendo as her third sip.

By the time the food arrived, her foot would be in his lap, and when dessert was offered she would shoot him a sultry look that she thought was original, but that he had really seen many times before, and then offer him dessert of an entirely different kind. Then, and only then, would he get the sex that had really been a sure thing since the minute they made the date. He knew this, he hated this, but he hated the ache in his chest more.

He pulled out her chair and let his hands brush lightly over her shoulders as she sat, falling into the rhythm he knew so well.

He was still on his third drink, not quite ready to hit nostalgia yet. She ordered wine.

"So wait, you're telling me that you wished him luck on his date and he waved goodbye and now everything is fine?"

Joey rolled her eyes, tired of the conversation she was having with Jen, which basically consisted of her continuing to insist that all was right in the world and Jen – being more astute than you sometimes wanted a bitching buddy to be – responding with something akin to disbelief. Like disbelief's older, wiser and more cynical cousin. All she wanted to do was have someone play the '_let's pretend Joey isn't a giant idiot-slash-bitch who walked away from the best thing that ever happened to her because, oh yeah, she's a coward too_' game, but apparently Jen had never played pretend. This was a fact Joey had learned twenty minutes ago when Jen said, quote, 'I'm not going to live in your deluded world with you, my mother never let me play pretend and I suck at it. Oh yeah, and so do you.'

If Jen wasn't the only person who might actually visit her once she was arrested for assault with blunt emotional trauma, Joey would have hung up on her exactly nineteen minutes ago.

Now, after enduring another quarter hour of Jen picking away at her defenses, Joey was thinking prison couldn't really be that lonely, and who needed visitors anyway.

It didn't help that Eddie was sitting in her room, listening nonchalantly to her every word. Or at least he looked nonchalant, but that could be a tricksy look that really masked an active mind, one that he might attack with once she was off the phone. Joey felt like Odysseus facing the Scylla and Charybdis choice. Stay on the phone and be interrogated by Jen or hang up the phone and be interrogated by Eddie. What she wouldn't give to be one of the sailors that Scylla ate, thus negating the whole question. Not having the choice of death, at least not without some effort that involved moving from the comfy spot she had found on her bed, she decided she was going to have to risk Eddie's questions because frankly, she had to study at some point, and it was hard to hold a book, notes and a highlighter with a phone to your ear.

"Look Jen, if I promise you that at some point I will sit down with you and rehash every single word we exchanged will you let it drop for the night? Please? I do have finals to study for."

There was a pause, and Joey knew Jen was considering. "Every word _and_ every look," she countered.

"Jen."

"You do have finals to study for Jo," Jen sang back.

"Bitch," Joey responded, but with laughter in her voice.

"Grade A, don't you forget it."

"Okay, you win. Words _and_ looks, just please tell me everything is fine and then hang up."

"Jo, everything is fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow okay?" Though the words lacked true conviction, Joey was appreciative of the sincere tone in which they were delivered, needing to pretend for just a little while longer.

"Goodnight Jen."

"Goodnight Joey."

The phone was barely in the cradle before he started.

"So, sounds like you had an interesting run-in today. Was this before or after I came to visit?" he asked conversationally. His give away was that he was studying the pretzel in his hand a little too intently.

"Before," Joey answered directly, suddenly worrying if Pacey had seen Eddie's arrival.

"Oh really. Interesting."

Joey pulled a textbook into her lap and ignored him, not willing to feed into what looked like the beginning of a fight. "Not really."

"You don't think it's interesting that you have a little reconciliation with your ex boyfriend or whatever the hell he was this time, and then conveniently forgot to mention it to me when I came to see you?" His tone was still conversational, but there was a harder edge to it. Joey felt the 15 year old fighter in her perk up, preparing to kick ass if necessary. She kept her repressed for the moment.

"No, Eddie, I don't think it is interesting, because as per our last conversation about the matter I was under the impression that you and I were just friends. Friends implies that I can, but am not obligated to, talk to you about what happens in my life."

Eddie had tossed the pretzel back into the bag by now, and was shifting his position on Audrey's bed so that he was leering towards her, body language confrontational.

"So then you did reconcile with him."

It was a statement, not a question, and frankly it didn't surprise her in the least. She had grown up around boys, especially Dawson, and knew they always liked to latch on to the part of the conversation they felt most threatened by. She also had learned, from said Leery boy, that it was then only a hop, skip and a jump for them to twist those words into their own meanings.

"I didn't say that," she responded, not willing to give him a straight up answer when he was being a straight up asshole.

"Yeah well you didn't deny it either."

"What does it matter either way Eddie? You and I are just friends."

"Joey, I told you I wanted more than that. You know how I feel about you, and you've even kissed me back a few times since 'our discussion' so excuse me for not thinking as just your friend."

Another sigh escaped her lips. It felt like all she did these days was sigh, and honestly it was getting to be a bit much. She longed for the days when she could exhale normally, without frustration, longing, sadness or some other emotion mucking it all up into that forceful puff of breath that didn't really do anything to abate the restlessness inside of her. Since those days had apparently fled long ago, she put down her book and sat with her legs folded on the bed, looking directly into Eddie's eyes as she spoke.

"Look, I'm sorry if this isn't what you want right now but I tried to be straightforward with you. I told you my situation, I told you I wanted to be your friend. I even told you there might be kissing involved, but I made no promises beyond that. You are staying here with me because I am trying to be a good friend to you too, but if you pull this jealous crap on me you can just find another place to sleep."

Eddie looked stunned, as if her ultimatum had blindsided him, and it probably had. She didn't want to hurt his feelings, she liked Eddie, but it felt good to just be blatantly honest about what she wanted and what she didn't. She was trying, for maybe the first time, to be decisive instead of waffling over every damn thing, and figured decisively putting an end to annoying crap was a good way to start.

She watched as he leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest defensively. When he spoke his words were less acidic but still laced with jealousy and wounded pride.

"You know what Joey? I said I got it, but I don't. When you told me your little saga I thought, '_Okay, here's a girl who got dumped by her high school sweetheart in a pretty brutal way, and she's finally getting some closure on the whole thing through this brief reunion with the past. She needs a little time to put old wounds behind her, get over her old love, and then she'll be ready to move on._' That is what you led me to believe. But you know what Jo? Listening to you lie your way through that conversation with Jen made me realize I got it all wrong. You don't need time to get over your old love, you're just waiting for the right time to bring that love out of the closet and dust it off again aren't you? So really, what we have here is a situation of me wasting my time on you, waiting for you to come around. 'Cause you like running Joey Potter, and I thought you were running on a path away from your past, but I think in the end that path is just going to be one giant fucking loop right back to where you started!"

It was her turn to be stunned. She had expected recriminations, she had not expected them to be accurate. She had also not expected to have one more thing to feel guilty over. She had tried so hard to be honest with Eddie, not wanting to lead him on, but somehow yet again, she had managed to make a boy think it was worth his time to love her only to crush his hopes. She was starting to wonder if maybe she should come with a warning label. Something like, **CAUTION: This person is unstable, indecisive, and unintentionally hurtful. Love at your own risk. Heartbreak not covered by warranty.** Then again, maybe that wasn't strongly worded enough…

It took a moment to realize that Eddie was actually waiting for a response from her. Words seemed elusive, as she wasn't sure what she could say that he hadn't already. The only two that came to mind seemed too little to fill the void, but she said them anyway.

"I'm sorry."

He scoffed, but he had probably earned the right to do that. She waited for the stalk to the door, but it didn't come. Instead he just looked hard at her for a moment, looking like he was fighting a battle with himself over something. Finally he let out a sigh; they must be catching.

"You know what Joey, I don't know why, and it'll probably turn out to be a waste of my time, but I can't help but throw my heart into the ring with every other fool who loves you. Who knows," he laughed harshly, "maybe I'll even get most of it back."

Incredulity written over every one of her features, she opened and closed her mouth a few times before finding words to respond.

"I'm not promising you anything Eddie. Nothing has changed for me, and we are still just friends despite the 'love nest' qualities our situation might have to the casual observer. I'm not going to sleep with you and I'm not going to apologize for who I am."

"I'm still going to try my hardest to change your mind."

She just shook her head in defeat, wondering if throwing him out on the street might be a less hurtful prospect for him in the long run. She definitely needed to get that warning label.

Pacey woke up with a screaming hang over and a decidedly less sexy, but slightly more orange looking, Sadia moving over him. His mind was begging not to have to play catch up, but was already being dragged kicking and screaming through last night's events. By the time he was able to remember that he was actually at Sadia's apartment, having left his car at the restaurant and taken a cab with her, his mind had given up the fight and was now just crying brokenly in the corner for a couple of aspirin and a Gatorade. What he got was a tongue down his throat.

He heard her moan against his lips, and wondered briefly how she could actually be turned on when his mouth tasted disgusting even to him. And how she could be moving with such fervor when all he wanted to do was curl in a ball and die. He figured the only thing saving him from having to explain to her why she wasn't turning him on was the perpetual bane of morning wood, only really useful when you woke up next to someone you wanted to have sex with that was willing to have sex with you. Oh, and without the hangover. However, soon his hard on was going to be fading fast, giving in to the queasiness of his stomach. Luckily he was saved when she rolled off of him suddenly, heading toward what appeared to be the bathroom.

She shot him another one of those 'would be sexy if it wasn't so cliché' smiles, and he realized she probably did this to most of the guys she brought home, turned them on and then waited for them to beg her to finish what she had started. Pacey was just grateful she had stopped making the bed move.

"I'm going to hop in the shower real quick," she said, her voice low and full of promise. He just waved her off, gingerly bringing one hand to his forehead and wincing on contact. She didn't seem to notice his distress.

"Want to join me?"

She didn't wait for an answer, scurrying off into the bathroom as if she expected him to give chase. He lay still, running through ways to get out of her apartment before the inevitable wave of anguished guilt hit him, not really wanting to cry on the shoulder of the woman he had used to try and get over the woman he loved. Not that Sadia hadn't been a willing, and vocal, participant. He just figured that wasn't what most women wanted in a post-game wrap up. And knowing him, he was probably going to want to call her again at some point. Second dates were never as hard as the first, and since she was willing to sleep with him he might as well just stick with her instead of finding someone new.

He heard the shower turn off before he had formulated any decent extraction plan, but he had managed to at least stand up and slide his boxers on. He was starting to pull on his pants when she emerged, wrapped in a barely existent towel. She pouted at him, which only made him want to run faster.

"I thought you were going to come in with me."

Her tone brought the wince on anyway.

"Sorry, I just realized I've got to get into work and I'm kinda running late already," he said while pulling on his shirt and hunting for his tie. The words fell off his tongue easily, and it was only afterward that he realized they were also true.

"Oh, okay." She sounded disappointed and a little miffed. She probably wasn't used to guys blowing off her offers of shower sex, or any sex for that matter. Especially not 20 year old ones who might owe a climb or dive in their career to the article she was about to write on them.

"Look, Sadia, I know it seems like I'm skipping out on you but I really do have to get to work, and I'll call you okay?"

"Yeah, whatever," she said, but her tone was surprisingly friendly and not flip at all. She started moving about the bedroom, getting ready for the day herself. "I actually have to get to work too," she said, "But you better call me Pacey." The glare she leveled at him was mostly jest, and for that he would call her again. The only thing worse than first dates was clingy morning afters, and it seemed that with Sadia he could now avoid both.

He kissed her goodbye, but it was more obligation than desire. As sad as he knew it was, in the mornings there was nothing left for these women to offer him, he had gotten the only solace he could the night before. His only thought as he let the front door close behind him, already calling on his cell for a taxi to take him back to the restaurant and his car, was that he wished he had asked her for some fucking aspirin before he left.

Joey was sure she was just being stubbornly ignorant of the truth of the situation, but she felt like things had gotten better with Eddie over the past few days. Ever since their discussion he had been nothing but the good friend she had asked him to be, tucking away his pushy inquisitive side. She wasn't sure if it was all a ruse to lure her into a false sense of security or just an honest effort, but as she had told Pacey in a K-Mart not so very long ago, maybe the good part was not knowing.

She was avoiding Jen and Jack, as well as pointedly not returning Dawson's calls and hardly seeing Audrey, so really it was nice to have someone to hang out with. She knew Jen would grill her, and knew Jack would half-heartedly attempt to grill her so that Jen wouldn't kick his ass. She wasn't sure things were so great with Dawson these days, Christmas apologies not withstanding, and she really didn't want to talk to him about her life. That would just reopen old scars, and would more than likely result in Pacey dealing with the fallout – in the form of vindictive blonds claiming soulmate status - of a romance he wasn't even benefiting from anymore. She had told Audrey briefly about what had happened with Pacey, of the 'we went on a few dates but it didn't really work out' shorthand variety. Audrey had actually accepted it quite well, and even offered to talk about it if Joey wanted, but she wasn't going to push her luck. Especially when Audrey threw out a 'he's always going to be in love with you, you know,' in a not totally unaffected way. That was not what she needed to hear, and probably not something Audrey needed to hear either, even from her own mouth.

So instead of bravely facing the world like she had decided to do when first crafting her brand-new Joey persona, she reverted to the scared little girl Joey who preferred to ignore reality. As such, she was currently making summer plans she never really thought would come to fruition with Eddie, and simultaneously burying her head in a book.

"So jobs on the Cape this summer eh Jo? Sounds pretty dull to me."

"Eddie, the point is not to have wild crazy fun. The point is to make some money so that I can afford to eat next year."

"Well why can't we do a little of both? Because I think that you, more than anyone I know, could benefit from a little wild and crazy fun."

Joey shot him a withering glare over her text. "Look Eddie, why don't you go plan your little adventure elsewhere then, because you asked me what we could do this summer and I gave you my answer. And now I really need to study."

Eddie rolled his eyes at her, making her wonder how she didn't get smacked more often when she felt the urge to hit him for the gesture.

"Fine Joey. You just hide in your safe little world. Let me know when you want to come out and actually live your life."

He headed for the door, and she considered just letting him walk out, but he was her only companion at the moment, and truth be told she was really only angry because he was probably right.

"Eddie wait."

He turned, his expression blank and unreadable. She hated when he did that, because it meant she had to choose an action without being able to gauge first what action he was hoping for. She hated even more that she needed to do that, needed to be able to weigh all the possible reactions before she took action, letting her head muck up things that should be simple. Damn, she was starting to aggravate herself even. She definitely needed to get out of the dorm room soon, because apparently when you were Joey Potter self-reflection was not therapeutic. In fact, what it seemed to be doing most these days was making her want to wring her own neck.

And here she was again, getting lost in self-loathing, while Eddie waited for a response.

She realized, looking at him almost at her door poised to exit, that she didn't want him to leave because she didn't want to be alone. She was afraid that if he walked out right now she might always be alone, maybe no one else would love her again or even be willing to give her a chance. It was a fear she had carried since puberty, and despite being told it was ridiculous on many occasions, it was one she couldn't ever quite shake. That fear, and the fact that she pretty much hated herself these days, which meant she would be pretty poor company for herself, led her to desperation.

So she kissed him.

Even as she was climbing from the bed to stand next to him she knew it was the wrong course of action. As her lips met his she knew she was just leading him on, making him think there was hope for them. When he kissed back she figured what the hell, what was one more broken heart on her list of felonies at this point, because at least when he was kissing her she felt something other than awful. Numb maybe, unfulfilled maybe, but it was better than awful.

Finally she broke away, face flushing with color at the thought of actually using him with no intention of returning his feelings. He mistook the flush for one of passion.

"So it seems like you're gonna give me a chance to change your mind after all huh?" he asked, stepping back into her.

As her head hit his chest she just nodded, unable to stop the sting of tears at the thought of being so damn needy all the time.


	11. Chapter 11

The Message

The Message

Chapter 11

Dawson was in the midst of re-evaluating his life. This wasn't anything particularly new or exciting for him, at times he had done this on an almost daily basis, but this time he was doing it in a relative vacuum. There were no late night chats over movies, no wise blonde next door, he didn't even have his father anymore. This time, he was bouncing thoughts about his life off his frazzled mother and a 2 year old. Strangely, despite all this, he felt as if his future was clearer than ever.

Coming home to work on a movie of his own felt like such an inspired idea, like a return to a place in his life where the world had once made sense to him. So great was his feeling that maybe he could get back to the days when inspiration, two best friends and a video camera was all you needed to live the dream, that he had actually decided maybe it was time to get those best friends back.

Of course his first thought was of Joey.

He and Joey hadn't spoken since their Christmas summit, and he was actually a little nervous at the prospect of 'getting their friendship back on track', mostly because on that very same Christmas night he'd realized he still wanted more than just friendship.

He'd done a lot of thinking about their history after she left that night, and come to some surprising revelations, the biggest being that in a strange way this year had been almost like a repeat of junior year in terms of their friendship. It had started with sex being on the table, this time he thanked god that he'd been smart enough to actually have said sex instead of pushing her away. After all, as far as he was concerned it was about time he had the chance to stake his claim to Joey sexually. The only thing that could have made it better for him would have been if Pacey hadn't stolen her 'first time' back in high school.

Despite the fact that he acted this time, the result had been the same: one night of Dawson and Joey becoming possibly more, all falling apart because of some other woman in his life. Last time it had been Eve and her sexual prowess beckoning from the wings, this time is was Natasha and her sexual prowess beckoning from the cell phone. He hated that Joey yet again pulled away, especially because this time he had been willing to try with her and timing be damned. Even now he still didn't understand why Joey couldn't meet him halfway on the whole 'having a girlfriend when he had sex with her' thing, because frankly shouldn't she be just as happy to finally have their chance as he was, regardless of the circumstances? And beside _he_ had forgiven _her_ for the whole throwing her virginity away with Pacey thing, well mostly.

But no, they'd drifted and again it was like junior year of high school in that come spring they really didn't know each other anymore. At least this time he hadn't been stupid enough to ask Pacey to look out for her, because Dawson really wasn't sure he could handle a rekindling of that particular romance.

These thoughts swirling in his head, he had started to worry. Because if everything else resembled that horrid year in his life, what if Joey and Pacey followed the script as well and really did give it 'the old college try' this time? This had brought on the startling realization that he was so disconnected he probably wouldn't even have known if they did just this. He couldn't have that, couldn't let his chance with her slip away this time, so when he had found Pacey standing on his lawn all those weeks ago he took it as a sign to find a way back into the life of the boy he once called friend.

He had never really intended to invest any of his money, certainly not with Pacey, but a phone call from Jen only a week later had changed his mind. It was a passing comment, he had asked how Joey was doing (trying his best to make it seem as if he actually talked with her all the time and so he was just asking to be polite) and Jen said that Joey was working over the break at Pacey's office, and how they were all so proud of his success and wasn't it nice that he was helping Joey out? After this revelation Dawson had rushed off the phone, so that he could stare slack jawed at the wall of his bedroom for a while.

_Joey was working for Pacey? Everyone was proud of Pacey? Pacey was good at something?_ These were the questions that ran amok in his mind over the next few days, and before he knew it he had headed in to see the man in question himself.

It seemed that Pacey was good at his job, and while Dawson still couldn't wrap his head around this idea it seemed an opportunity to kill a few birds with one stone. He figured that by investing the money he could do three things; first he would actually make _more_ money which he desperately needed, second he could ride Pacey's wave of good fortune in the hopes of making Joey 'proud' of him too – because if the stock market was what it took to impress her, then he would jump in head first, and third he would give himself the perfect excuse to call and check in on Pacey often, thus giving him an easy way to check up on the Pacey and Joey situation, so that he could halt any sudden new developments on that front.

He was pretty sure it was working too, as he had talked to Pacey a few times already and no mention of Joey at all.

With this precaution set in place, he started working on his 'win Joey Potter back' plan. Quickly deciding to go with an old standby, he started writing his movie. Though he knew he had done this exact thing before, he had learned something from the sophomore year fiasco. Joey would not like it if this movie was all about her. He also knew that making Pacey the bad guy in the story of their life might actually drive the two of them closer, so he avoided this avenue as well. In the end he decided that the best way to win back his soul mate was to write a movie about the time when she still believed she _was_ a soul mate to him, a time when things like friendship were simpler. He started writing, and with the script progressing nicely he picked up a paintbrush as well, intent on bringing back the 'golden years' in full.

With each stroke of green over orange, he felt as if he was washing away all the times he hated to think about. After all, the orange room represented a summer of desperation when he had tried his damnedest to forget that Joey Potter existed, let alone that she was sailing the seven seas with his erstwhile best friend. The green represented a time when she had fallen asleep next to him every Saturday night, when she had kissed him back by his window, when she had hidden in his closet so that they could make out after his parents went to bed. He knew intellectually that the green paint was just that, paint, but he couldn't help but think of it as a little token of good luck as well. If all went to plan, then by the end of the summer this room would once again have witnessed a Joey and Dawson kiss.

Speaking of the plan, it was probably about time he gave Pacey another call as well, just to make sure there wasn't another showdown on his front lawn coming anytime soon.

88888888888888888

_So this year's Paris might actually be Paris again._ That was all Joey could think of when she first saw the travel book. To say she was overwhelmed would have been an overstatement. To say she was thrilled would have been a falsehood. To say she was confused would have been perfect, and also perfectly typical.

Eddie was looking at her expectantly, excitement in his eyes, and for a moment she saw in him a flash of the boy he must once have been. It only made her miss a different little boy who was always flashing in stormy blue eyes, a boy who once had been _this year's Paris_.

She felt the sting of tears, but forced them back. She wasn't allowed to cry over that little boy anymore, because she had chosen to cut him from her life. Instead she put on a happy face and flung her arms around the man she had chosen, if for no other reason than her heart was safe from him. Eddie seemed satisfied with her excited response, wanting immediately to begin planning.

By the time they got back to her dorm, overwhelmed was no longer an overstatement. It seemed that Eddie had been planning this for a while, and all ideas he was throwing at her were making her head spin.

"Eddie," she began, but he wasn't listening.

"And I know Paris is important to you, but I was thinking if we kept our time there limited to just a week we could also fit in…"

"Eddie,"

"…Madrid, because I've really always really wanted to go there and…"

"EDDIE!"

Finally he stopped, looking at her quizzically.

"What is it Joey?"

"Look Eddie, I know you're excited about all this but can we just slow down a minute? I mean, it seems like you have everything all planned out already, and I do need to spend some time in Capeside this summer to make some money and see my family and friends."

Now he looked stunned, and a little angry as well. She could feel the telltale beginnings of an argument. It was funny really, but ever since she had basically agreed to date him again, their relationship had fallen into typical Joey Potter patterns; i.e. no sex, more fighting.

"You want to cut our trip of a lifetime short to hang out with your friends in the one horse town you grew up in? You are kidding right?" He asked slowly, clearly letting her know what her answer _should_ be.

"Yes Eddie, amazingly enough I would like to go home for a bit this summer. And it isn't just about seeing my friends, like I said I really need to make some money or I'll never be able to afford to come back to school next year."

Eddie continued to stare at her, and she could almost see the wheels turning in his mind.

"You want to stay to see _him_ don't you?" It wasn't a question so much as a statement. Joey averted her eyes, not sure even in her own heart if this was true.

"That's it isn't it? I bet if _he_ offered to take you to Paris you wouldn't be trying to decide how much of your precious summer you could spare." He was angry now, little flecks of spit flying from his mouth as he bit the words out at her.

The tears she had been holding back ever since he had given her the travel book spilled over as she answered him.

"It doesn't matter Eddie, because I never gave him the chance to ask! So I guess I can't really answer that question for you, and I know it's my own damn fault!"

Her words fell between them, the room was silent save for her quiet sobs, and Eddie took a moment to step back.

He considered himself a pretty easy going, straightforward kind of guy. He had always spoken his mind, seen the world in mostly black and white, and never agonized over long about missed chances. To him, you either did or you didn't, and once the choice was over you moved on because that was the way of the world.

Somehow over the last year Joey Potter had managed to turn him all around. She had him coming back for more when he thought their chance was over. She had him trying for a goal he had long given up on. In some ways her influence had been wonderful on his life, but nothing was ever one sided.

The other side of the coin she had handed him, the coin that represented analyzing, angsting, and many many shades of gray, was that there came a point where nothing was ever really over. And Eddie wasn't quite sure if he could deal with that.

She was standing before him, tears streaming down her face, and he hardly knew who or what the tears were for anymore. She was so complicated, she had so many regrets and wishes and fears, that it was hard to keep up. He was pretty sure the bulk of those tears were for that Pacey guy. But along with those, he thought there were also a few tears for her own inability to move forward, a few tears for her own missed opportunities, a few tears for her fears and dreams. He would consider himself lucky if even a few of them were for him.

So here it was, a moment of choice in Eddie's world, and he realized he was a black and white person, and could never do anything more than visit the shades of gray. So for him it came down to this, she could come with him or she could stay, and he would live either way. This was not to say he didn't care, because he did, very much. She may have been a complicated person and she may live her life by rules he could never even understand, but she was also funny and smart and driven. Despite much evidence to the contrary at times, Joey was a girl worth loving, but until she decided that for herself no one else was going to be able to help her. But that sure as hell didn't stop anyone from trying. She was a once-in-a-lifetime girl as far as he was concerned, imperfections and all.

He moved forward and hugged her, letting her cry her tears, other loves and other losses soaking into his shirt front. He had made his black and white decision, he was going to Europe. He would offer her comfort, he would talk to her about places to visit and things to see, but if she waffled any more after this moment was over he was going to go alone.

Slowly she pulled back, a small sheepish smile on her face at having been so emotional. "Look, Eddie, just let me look at the book for a minute and then we can plan again okay?"

He nodded, and hoped that maybe she would really be ready to move on. Little did he know that soon she would be starting another conversation with him that began with 'If we do actually do this," and ended with "You should probably find somewhere else to sleep tonight." After all, Joey Potter was a lot of things, but someone who sees the world in black and white was not one of them. She was her past. Eddie wanted her to forget it, she wanted to relive it, and what she needed to do was embrace it and grow. Because of all these things, the story of Eddie and Joey had been doomed from the start. But in life you can't skip to the end of a story to see how it will turn out, so for the moment Eddie still hoped.

888888888888888888888

"Please Joey? You have to come with me, it'll be so boring if I have to pick out summer classes all by myself."

Audrey was perched on the edge of her bed, fuzzy pink pillow clutched across her middle and a pouty look on her face. Joey was desperately trying to ignore her. Ever since she had told Eddie to find another place to sleep she had been feeling a bit lost. She still couldn't figure out exactly why it was that she didn't want to go on the trip with him, but it just felt all wrong. And after the fight they had just had, she doubted she would even see him again anyway, he did after all have a penchant for skipping town when the going got rough.

Still she was sad, because if nothing else his leaving would leave her life completely without boundaries or plans. Did she go back to Capeside for the summer and avoid Dawson's advances while watching Pacey move on with his life? Did she stay in Boston and spend all her summer earnings on a crappy apartment in the city? Did she tag along with Jack and Jen to New York for the summer? Because really she could do anything, and she just didn't know what it was she wanted.

"Jo-ey," Audrey whined again.

"Au-drey," she whined back, "I thought you weren't going to sign up for summer classes until the last possible moment anyway, so why are you going now when you have like 5 whole more hours?" she said sarcastically, causing Audrey to stick out her tongue. "Besides I have a meeting with Hetson soon to go over my final grade."

"I'm not _signing up_ yet, I just want to scope out the woman manning the desk to see if I can convince her to let me into that Pop Culture class that is already filled up. If I go early, and she looks totally bitchy, I can come up with a game plan in the next several hours," Audrey explained, a look on her face that said, quite clearly, 'Duh.'

Joey rolled her eyes. "Fine. If you are just doing a drive by I'll walk over with you. But I really do only have about an hour, so no stopping for coffee or anything else distracting okay? The last thing I need is to start _and_ end my year by being late for a meeting with Hetson."

"Yay bunny, you're the bestest." Audrey was suddenly a flurry of motion, bouncing from the bed to pull on her very favorite hideously furry boots and grab her purse. Joey rolled her eyes once more for good measure, and then grabbed her own bag and followed Audrey out the door.

It turned out the woman manning the desk was actually a young, reasonably attractive, man, and so the whole process was taking much longer than Joey had anticipated. Audrey insisted on the chance to talk the guy up (for the Pop culture class, or barring that at least a date) and had refused to let Joey leave until it was all played out, saying 'If I get rejected on two fronts it will be your duty to comfort and console me.'

It had already been fifteen minutes, and it looked like the two were just getting started. Bored, Joey began leafing through the pamphlets on the wall, pulling ones out at random until one in particular caught her eye. It was a brightly color brochure with a picture of the Eiffel Tower emblazoned on the cover, with the words 'Study Abroad' printed in bright blue lettering underneath. Intrigued she began to flip through it, and was startled when a voice interrupted her perusal.

"It's too late to sign up for the program for next year, but if you have more than a year left with us it is certainly worth looking into."

Looking up Joey found that the voice belonged to the woman who usually ran the office, who was now glaring suspiciously at the interaction between Audrey and the man who was currently holding down the fort. Partly to help her friend, and partly out of curiosity, Joey drew the woman's attention back quickly.

"So there isn't a way to go next year? I do have two years left, but was really hoping to stay in the states my senior year, you know look at internships and such."

The woman looked thoughtful, and then raised a finger as if she had just remembered something.

"Well, you can't sign up for the study abroad program, but you could always get transfer credits."

"Transfer credits?" Joey asked confusedly.

"Yes. Worthington prides itself on its relations with foreign universities. If you attend one of the universities in France that we are associated with, you could have most of the credits transferred back to use toward your degree here. In fact, if you choose carefully and take an additional class or two on you could even still graduate on time."

Now Joey was really intrigued. It wasn't like she would ever actually go to Paris, no that was most likely a long dead dream, but she had never heard of transferring credits from foreign universities and it was an interesting concept.

"So how would you go about doing that?"

"Well, if you wanted to start this coming fall for example, you would send in a late application to the university of your choice, with a letter of intent explaining that you want a year of foreign study experience to apply toward your degree here. Then a month or so before classes began you would talk with your Worthington advisor who could help you choose a course load that would be transferable once you returned to the states. It is actually much simpler than it sounds, believe it or not."

The woman smiled kindly at her after relaying the information, and waved off Joey's thank you as she turned toward her desk where Joey saw that Audrey and the man were now actually engaged in a heated lip-locking session. Joey quickly shoved the pamphlet into her pocket and grabbed Audrey's arm, tugging her from the room.

"Call me!" Audrey shouted back over her shoulder to the stunned looking young man who was desperately trying not to make contact with the woman glaring down at him.

"You know, I would ask what on earth you were thinking, but this is actually more like the Audrey of old that I have missed so much, so instead I'm just going to say Welcome Back," Joey said, smiling at her roommate as she continued to pull her down the hallway.

"Thanks bunny, but we can celebrate later. Don't you have an appointment to get to?"

"Shoot!" Joey exclaimed, looking down at her watch, "I've got to run Audrey but I'll see you back at the dorms in a bit okay?"

Audrey nodded, already distracted by a member of the rowing team who had just walked past them, and Joey broke into a sprint toward Professor Hetson's office.

Halfway down the hallway she turned to call back one more time.

"Oh and Audrey? I wouldn't count on getting that Pop Culture class if I were you!"

888888888888

"I'm not running away from my responsibilities. I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save my life."

As Joey read these words she suddenly felt excitement coursing through her veins, as well as realization. Because in a flash of clarity, she understood why it didn't feel right to go to Paris with Eddie.

Paris was a trip that should be all about her. It wasn't about a romantic vacation or running away together. It wasn't about running away at all. It was about going somewhere where she could define herself, and thus save herself from the mistakes she seemed to keep making. It was about choosing herself for once, and learning to be okay alone. She could feel the corner of the brochure poking her leg through the material of her pocket, and this was probably the closest thing to a sign she was ever going to get. She could hear the woman's voice from the registrar's office, and knew now what she needed to do.

Joey Potter was finally going to Paris, and she was going to do it all on her own. It was time to grow up.

"I kind of have someplace I need to be right now," she heard herself telling Hetson, already feeling impatient to get back to the dorms and start planning. If she hurried, she might even be able to get accepted to one of the French universities before the end of July, leaving plenty of time to figure out which classes would be transferable before the fall.

Moments later she was rushing out the door of the English department building, smiling to herself at the look on Hetson's face as she told him he was going to be her advisor. Just wait until he found out he was going to have to advise her from abroad!

As she entered the dorm building, she realized that in a way she had come full circle. She had given up school in Paris for Dawson when she was 15, had started on the path of putting him first and using other people as an excuse to not face her own fears. Now, 5 years later, she was finally going to face the unknown, take her trip, and start the process of defining herself as a woman so that she could truly give her heart to another, because no matter what she would be strong enough to survive on her own. Though for a moment she was tempted to dwell on the ocean eyed boy she wanted to get ready to give her heart to, she pushed it away. Right now she couldn't go down that path, she needed to fight her demons alone, and then think about what came after.

She burst into her dorm room full of excitement, but played it cool for the moment. After a brief conversation about Audrey registering, she casually slipped in, "And can you hand me that book? I have to start reading for my trip." Audrey squealed, but had to run and so Joey didn't even get the chance to tell her it was going to be a solo trip. Maybe though, it was better that way. Maybe she really needed to do most of it, even the getting excited, on her own.

She was getting ready to start researching hostels and universities when she saw the letter on the phone. Reading it, she felt tears falling down her cheeks, and this one time she actually cried for Eddie. She cried for what they might have had if she wasn't so connected to her past. She cried for the hurt she had caused him, and the hurt he had caused her. She cried because this time it really was goodbye, and goodbyes are hard. Finally her tears dried and for the first time in her whole life, Joey Potter put the past behind her. She didn't lock Eddie's memory in a gilded box in her heart, she didn't place him on a pedestal for future comparisons, and she didn't make a secret wish to one day explore 'what if'. Instead, she simply honored his memory for all that he had meant in her life, and then let him go, really and truly.

Contemplative, she sat at her desk and thought about all the other boxes that needed to be unlocked and pedestals that needed to be destroyed. Feeling the beginnings of a strength she didn't know she possessed, she finally felt confidant that it would not be an impossible task.

88888888888888888

Pacey stood solemnly before the big white house that held so many ghosts for him. He wasn't sure how his news was going to be taken, but he was pretty sure that some new ghosts were going to be added soon.

All he could feel was the dull ache in the back of his head from worry, the empty hole where his heart once had been, and the burning nausea in his stomach for what he was going to have to say.

_Once again, or maybe finally, he had proved everyone right,_ he thought bitterly. Pacey Witter, town screw-up. Can't keep the girl (any girl apparently as even rebound chicks came with fiancés these days), can't keep a job, can't keep a friend. Shit, pretty soon he wasn't going to be able to keep a roof over his head.

He was beyond laughter, or he might have let out at least a weary chuckle at the fact that he was once again about to be the person that ruined Dawson Leery's perfect life. Instead he just felt yet again the weight of an unfair universe, one where two boys could grow up together and yet have such different lives. Where the fair haired child got love and attention, got the right to dream and believe that those dreams would become reality, who got to live in a world of soul mates and destiny, and all roads leading back to a home.

For a few brief months on a sailboat with a dark haired tomboy, and another too brief interlude this past year, Pacey had felt like he might have a place in that world. He had forgotten that he was not the fair haired boy, that in fact he had received little love in his life, that he didn't dare to dream, and that soul mates seemed to trump true love but never set him free. He had forgotten all this, and felt like he had a home. But yet again, reality had crashed in on his forgetful heart, and as always it hurt more to lose something you once had than to never have had it at all.

Pacey stood on the well manicured lawn, in a picturesque town, on a beautiful night but all around him was a dark, dark world, and yet again he had lost his way.


	12. Chapter 12

The Message

The Message

Chapter 12

She was back. As she stood on the lawn of the BnB, suitcase in hand, Joey wondered if this place would ever stop pulling her back in, if it would ever stop feeling like home. In front of her was the creek where she had played with two rambunctious boys, blithely unaware of the turmoil that love and loss would begin to bring in a few years time. Behind her was the porch where she had sought out refuge during her mother's hardest moments during her battle with cancer. The front steps, where she had stood and watched as her father was taken away yet again, leaving her with a pain in her heart she never thought would heal. The old blue truck that she had learned to drive in. The rowboat that had taken her to a big white house where the world stabilized, if only for a little while, and once had been the transportation for a sister in labor. There were the two chairs from which she had watched the Aurora Borealis with the one person she never thought she would lose. There was the dock where she had found comfort in the arms of the one person she never wanted to lose. This place was ingrained into every bit of her, the memories etched into every beat of her heart.

Soon though, she would be leaving this place, this home, for a little while at least. This time it would not be the halfhearted step away that Boston had been, still connected and close in so many ways. No, this time she would fling herself forward into the big wide beyond and see how the world treated her, and how she treated the world. This time it wasn't an escape she was looking for, it was clarity. If home really was where the heart was, then in a way Capeside would always be her home and she was finally okay with that. What she needed was time to discover her own heart so that she could finally, peacefully, come home for good.

She felt both excited and nervous as she walked to the front steps. She had decided to tell only Bessie of her impending departure, after all someone had to know she hadn't just fallen off the face of the earth. She was desperately hoping that her sister would understand, because as much as she was trying to stand on her own two feet and face it all bravely, it would definitely be nice to hear some words of encouragement before getting on a plane in a week and flying to another country.

Joey still could not believe how fast everything had moved. In a way, it was really all because of Hetson, and that in and of itself was hard to believe. After starting to research different schools in France and looking at enrollment procedures, she had become overwhelmed very quickly. It seemed that when she finally found the resolve to move forward, technicalities and applications were going to hold her back. In desperation she had called the registrar's office, hoping to talk more with the woman who had sparked this idea, but had been told she needed to contact her advisor about the matter.

That phone call had been one of the hardest she ever made, not counting of course a late night answering machine confession that had not been left a few weeks ago. She was sure that Hetson was going to laugh in her face, and then tell her that he couldn't help her, and wouldn't want to. She had only been half right. He _had_ laughed at her, causing her to almost hang up, but eventually had gotten control of himself enough to talk through it all with her. A few phone calls to one of his buddies from his own world-wandering days and a few strings pulled later and not only was Joey enrolled in school, she also had a place to stay her first few nights in Paris as she searched for an apartment of her own.

Now, on her front lawn, she thought that Hetson may have been an ass, but had to concede that he had a knack for making people's impossible dreams come true. The thought made her think of Eddie, and she wondered briefly if he was still in Massachusetts or if he had already taken off on a journey of his own. Thinking of him brought her no pain, no longing, and she was pleased that she was able to truly wish him well in her heart without having the need to be a part of his life any longer. Maybe she really was making progress.

She was heading up the steps when she saw it, that plain manila envelope left there clearly for her to discover. She couldn't tell if it was shock, curiosity, or annoyance that first washed through her as she saw the contents. She knew she shouldn't be surprised that Dawson had written another script, she just prayed that maybe this time it wouldn't be his version of a past that truly never was.

At first glance, she had to stifle a laugh. I mean really, how many times could the guy put his name on one piece of paper? The cover read like a Dawson Leery promotional video.

The Untitled Dawson Leery Script

Written by Dawson Leery

Directed by Dawson Leery

Produced by Dawson Leery (and others)

An As Yet Unfounded Dawson Leery Production Company Picture

If Dawson's self centered attitude had ever been in question, this page cleared it right up. She thought the 'and others' was especially interesting, as she had heard from Jen earlier in the day that in fact Dawson had been talking about giving Pacey some producer credit for helping him with the financial aspects. Well obviously, the idea of giving Pacey credit for anything was not high on Dawson's priority list if 'and others' was his form of thanks. Sighing, she sat down to read through it, wondering if it was possible for any of them to ever get it right.

88888888888888888888888

Dawson was finishing up some yard work for his mother when he saw her approach. She had used the old rowboat, and he took that in and of itself as a good sign. A sign that maybe she was feeling as nostalgic as he was, and was trying to recreate some of their history to hold on to. Wanting to see just what she would do next before confronting her, he ducked behind the storage shed and watched surreptitiously as she climbed onto his dock.

She moved toward the ladder, almost as if she was drawn there by an unseen force. He smiled, thinking of all the times she had climbed up into his world with him, how many times that ladder had brought her up and into his life. He couldn't know that as she looked at it, her own thoughts were much more complicated. When she didn't start the climb, he decided to make his move. Quietly coming up behind her, he took a moment to admire her lithe figure before he spoke. He resisted the urge to reach out and grab her as he told her to go ahead, climb up.

"Honestly Dawson, I am surprised you still have this old thing at all," she spoke as she climbed, not noticing his eyes boring into her from behind. "I'm surprised it didn't get packed up ages ago."

"Well, I actually pulled it back out when I came home to write the script. In fact, I've been making a few changes here and there to a lot of things, you know, for inspiration. Though I have to say, Jo, you being here like this is all the inspiration I need."

He could have sworn the look she gave him was slightly uncomfortable, but before he could dissect what she might be thinking she had turned back to climb onto the roof and move toward his window. He paused as he watched her climb through, a feeling that soon all would be right with the world filling him. Soon she would be his again, he could almost feel it.

Joey wasn't sure whether she wanted to laugh, cry or dry heave when she crawled in through the window. The ladder had been one thing, that alone bringing on a flood of memories, but this was something else entirely. Looking at the ladder she could imagine all the times she had crawled up for comfort, for friendship, for love. She could also remember climbing up to say goodbyes, to try and talk about new loves, to try and rebuild a missing link. All her memories, good and bad, had a common thread, and that was that she was always the one doing the climbing. She didn't know whether it was all the English finals she had just taken, or the lack of sleep she had gotten over the last few days, but her mind couldn't help but make an obvious metaphor out of it. This ladder in so many ways represented her relationship with Dawson. In some ways, he had always been above her – or she had put him there. She had always had to come up to him, and while he had allowed her to live up above the rest of the world with him for a time, in the end she always had to come back down to reality, and he never did. In so many ways they just operated on different levels, needing a ladder to connect their worlds.

The room though, that cemented the idea in her mind. She was moving forward, he was moving back. She had finally realized that growing up meant letting go of the past, his future was all about grasping at old times. She had always thought that in the end she and Dawson might end up on similar paths, able to fall back into their old friendship with ease. In this moment, staring at green walls and movie memorabilia she finally had to admit that they never would. Dawson could be her friend, but it could never be like it was before. Though it saddened her to realize she had to leave the little girl she had been in this room behind, in a way it felt like the healthiest decision she had ever made. It was time to stop hiding in closets and plaid covered beds of platonic love, it was time to face the scary world in which happy endings were not guaranteed and love was messy, intense, and deep. Looking around at it all, she realized she missed Pacey.

She hadn't thought much about him in the past few days, forcing herself to be strong and not fall back on a pattern that would hurt them both. Now was not the time to get into another relationship, she needed to be a whole person herself first and she knew this. It was just that surrounded by all things Dawson she couldn't help but miss the boy who was everything else. The boy who had made love messy, intense and deep.

In fact she was so lost in her thoughts, she was actually startled when Dawson crawled into the room behind her. She turned, seeing a hopeful look in his eyes, and hoped beyond hope that his script represented how he truly felt. He had actually written a world that she could believe in, a world of 3 best friends making movies and sharing their lives. A world without triangles or other oddly shaped love lines. A world where you wanted to believe that no matter what you could always go home again. A world where soul mates hadn't yet been thought of, and her relationship with the boy down the creek hadn't become impossibly complicated with the rules of romance. _Please god, let him want nothing more than that friendship now_ she silently pleaded, wondering if maybe she should have asked Grams to put in a good word for her with the man upstairs before she came to face her own boy upstairs.

When he sat beside her on the bed, taking her hand and talking about the lost year of Dawson and Joey she cringed inside. It sounded so much like what Pacey had called it, years ago in a jail cell. The Ballad of Dawson and Joey. Didn't ballads ever have an end? She looked him straight on, and in seven words tried to convey to him that this was not a path she wanted to try and walk again, that in fact his script of simple friendship was the closest to reality he had ever tread.

"You got it right this time Dawson," she said clearly.

When he smiled at her, she knew it was going to be a longer battle than she thought. For him, getting this part right was only the beginning, and she wasn't sure how she was going to convince him that the rest of their story could not repeat, because the two of them as more than friends, well that was one thing neither of them would ever get right, and she knew it.

8888888888888888888888888888888

Many hours later, Joey finally convinced Dawson that they did not have to fill in _all_ of their missing year in just one day. Truthfully she was exhausted, and also undecided as to how much of her year she wanted to share. She knew already that he would be snippy about Eddie, and she could have handled that. What she wasn't sure about was the Pacey parts. He hadn't come up in conversation, and she was reluctant to take it there. She didn't want to be dishonest, as she had made that mistake too many times when it came to her and Pacey, but she also didn't want to deal with the judgments. They had rapidly been approaching the point where she would have to bring his name into it, and frankly she wanted to be fully rested and ready before she did. This time she would not be made to feel guilty for her relationship with the boy who had never left her heart, she felt guilty enough about the way it had ended.

Dawson was babbling behind her about how she probably hadn't expected her visit to be an all day one, but as she reached the screen door all she could see was _him_ and all she could hear was the rushing of her own blood. It was as if she had conjured him with her thoughts, and she wondered briefly if this was some kind of sign. She couldn't for the life of her decide what that sign would mean though, and as some of the possibilities seemed distinctly depressing, she quickly dismissed it. Instead she just said, "I didn't know you were home."

Pacey looked up at the two people who had been his world and froze. Coming here had been hard enough, but seeing Joey walking toward him was almost too much. His mind raced with questions; _Why was she here? Were she and Dawson together again? Did Dawson know about him and Joey? Did seeing him hurt her the way seeing her hurt him? Was that Eddie guy around here somewhere, waiting to make his rock bottom day complete? _

He knew the answer to this last one at least, having heard from Audrey the whole Eddie story a few hours ago. Though he hadn't really wanted to hear it in that bar, as he sat filling out applications for jobs he knew he would never even get the chance to interview for, he had let her talk. In a way he felt he owed Audrey this much, this chance to inflict a little pain on his life as he had inflicted on hers. He had been surprised that Joey and Eddie had not really been 'dating' after that horrible dance at Harley's school. He had been even more surprised to learn that Eddie had taken off again, and that Joey hadn't been grieving the loss. What he wasn't sure about was how the whole thing made him feel. Part of him was elated that Joey hadn't moved on as fast as he thought, part of him even more confused and hurt, because if being with Eddie wasn't something she wanted then it really came down to the fact that she hadn't wanted to be with him either. Her message from that night came back to him, recent revelations throwing her words into new light. Maybe she really had meant it when she said she loved him. Now she was walking toward him, and he swore he could see a flash of something in her eyes, though whether it was regret, hurt, love, or compassion he couldn't be sure.

She smiled at him and his heart backflipped before sinking down into his stomach. The whole scene was too familiar, the three of them on this lawn with big terrible news hanging in between them. Only this time she was standing next to Dawson, and he didn't even have a smidgen of hope that it was his side she would come to after everything had been said. Once again he was going to have to watch her walk back up into that house, away from him. He fought the urge to look behind him to see if Andie and Will were even now approaching in an old rowboat to add more drama to the mix.

Dawson suppressed the glare he felt hinting at the edge of his features when he saw Pacey standing on the yard below. It was just like the other boy to interrupt his moment with Joey, to show up on this lawn for the second time in a few days. Dawson even felt resentful of the casual way his expensive suit sat on his shoulders, the rumpled look seeming charming on Pacey's frame. It was a look Dawson knew he himself would never pull off, and he hated that. He shot a quick glance to Joey, but seeing her smile knew that he couldn't very well ask Pacey to leave without making her upset so instead he offered a casual greeting.

As they got closer Dawson could see a tortured look in the eyes of his old friend, and felt a gleeful flipping in his stomach that perhaps Pacey was jealous that Joey was not by _his_ side. To emphasize the point, Dawson threw his arm out to rest his hand on her back in a seemingly friendly yet slightly possessive way as he bid her goodnight, smile bigger as he knew the move was being scrutinized. When Pacey asked Joey to stay, he almost screamed a protest, but the haunted look was still on Pacey's face and the thought that maybe Pacey's news wasn't good quieted him.

Joey felt scared, and she wasn't sure why. Something about Pacey's eyes was telling her that something was terribly wrong, that somehow since she had run into him in Hells Kitchen the world had become an even more painful place for him. For a brief moment she wondered if it had to do with Sadia, and the irrational thought that maybe she had gotten pregnant caused her stomach to drop along with her heart. Looking at Pacey more closely though, she could see that this was not the case. Whatever had happened, it had to do with Dawson, and that would have nothing to do with a random hookup. No, whatever Pacey had to say was bad. She had another flutter of fear that perhaps Pacey had come to confess their recent past to Dawson, but decided to push all flutterings away and just wait for him to speak. When he did it was worse than she could ever have imagined.

Pacey spoke the words slowly at first, as if he was watching this all play out from far away. He saw the shock in Joey's eyes, the way her hand flew to her mouth at his news. He saw Dawson's face fall, rage flashing, as the blond held his stomach as if he was about to be sick. He was actually surprised that he hadn't thrown up himself at the whole situation. He didn't know why it was that things always seemed to get so bad so quickly in his life, but they did, and somehow that always led to letting down the ones you loved.

Dawson was beyond angry. Yet again before him stood a betrayer disguised as a friend. He couldn't believe that Pacey had done this to him, couldn't believe that he had actually trusted the loser to do anything right. Now Pacey had not only stolen his money, but had also diminished his chance at winning Joey back with a movie. For the second time it seemed that Pacey would be the one to interrupt the destiny of soul mates and he wanted nothing more than to start throwing punches. All false veneer of friendship restored was quickly cast aside as he yelled down at the darker boy, saying all the things he knew to be true. Pacey had never really been his friend, Dawson could see that now. Everything that had gone wrong in the past three years was this other boy's fault. It was Pacey that had made them competitors, Pacey who had thrown away the friendship without a second thought. Dawson felt himself swelling with righteous indignation.

Joey was stunned. Her heart was aching even more for this boy who had lost everything. It wasn't fair. He always tried so hard to make the world a better place for everyone else, tried so hard to overcome the words his father and many others had flung at him, and yet again the world had felt the need to pull the rug from under him just when he was starting to believe he could actually be good at something else. She wanted to run to him and throw her arms around his neck, to let him cry into her shoulder as he had when they were together and the world got tough. She wanted to but she didn't, not sure yet of who she was in his world anymore, of what would hurt and what would help. And she really didn't want to precipitate a fist fight that might be coming anyway. So instead she tried to calm them both with her words.

Pacey was starting to get angry. Desperation and frustration twin emotions dueling in his gut. How could Dawson be hurling such ugly accusations his way? Ah, but of course, it should have been expected. Because in Mr. Leery's world there was no such thing as 'that's just the way the world works', in his world there was no such thing as risk. His parents had made sure of that, that no action, need or decision had a bad outcome. And so Dawson was not prepared to deal with a world where sometimes you gambled and lost, so of course it was all his fault. What he couldn't stand was the smug attitude, the tossing away of their tenuous new friendship as if it had been worthless all along. And now he was yelling back, because he truly had lost everything here. Not just a few thousand dollars, not just a job, but everything. At the end of the day, when Dawson went back up into his warm little room and cried on Joey's shoulder for the lost money, Pacey would have nothing to comfort him. He had no one to cry too, no job to go back to, no money to support himself, and soon no place to live. Even his once best friend had just thrown him away. Worst of all though, was that while Dawson cried on Joey's shoulder he would have no appreciation for the fact that at least he still had her. Dawson had always expected Joey to be there, Pacey knew what a gift it was. And it was just another thing he had lost.

Harsh words spoken, no satisfactory solution reached, the two boys stormed off in separate directions. Joey, standing on the grass, felt her heart break in two at the fact that yet again lives had been altered on this lawn. This time though, there was no confusion in her heart about where she needed to be. Where she wanted to be.

She took a moment to compose herself, pushing her own tears away for a later time, and then made her way down to the dock. As she approached him, she couldn't help but think he looked like a younger version of himself, playing at being a grown-up. It was always like this with Pacey when things got tough. The hurt and defiant little boy in him would come forward, ancient accusations and insults giving his face a vulnerable look that hit her straight through the heart.

"You okay Pace?" she asked, sitting down beside him, resisting the urge to hug him immediately.

Pacey sighed. He hadn't been expecting her to come to him, but in a way it was worse that she was here when he was sure she wanted to be up in that damn house.

"You don't have to do this," he said dejectedly.

"Do what?"

"Sit out here with me. I know you'd rather be in the house with Dawson, so why don't you just go and help him lick his wounds."

Joey would have laughed if she didn't know just how serious he was. All this time later and Pacey still had Dawson issues, just like she did. In the moment she was gladder than ever that she had finally decided to try and move past hers, as one of them obsessing about the Leery boy was probably enough to last them both a lifetime. "Things never change here do they?" she said, not able to hide the hint of black humor from her voice.

"No. Because these are the roles we were destined to play," he responded.

"No Pace, these are the roles we chose to play. I mean look at us, sitting out here on this dock in front of the same house we've been haunting for years. We're practically ghosts of our former selves, and honestly I don't think anyone really remembers what they're mad about anymore."

She said it with as much conviction as she could muster, not wanting this to all come back to her as it always did. She had no small amount of guilt over their past, but not just for the reasons Pacey so often assumed to be true. Mostly she felt horrible that she had been the one to separate Pacey from his best friend, to take away one of the few good things he had in his life. And what had he gotten in exchange? Monumentally screwed up her, and as much as she loved him she hadn't been able to make it all right for him in the end. She was still working on that part, and he was still waiting. Alone.

"Mm, I wouldn't be so sure about that," he said, giving her a meaningful look. Because whether she wanted it to be or not, in the end it was always going to come down to her.

She was quiet for a moment, looking out over the creek, and he didn't break through the silence. He tried instead to find comfort in her nearness, even if he wasn't yet convinced that this was where she really wanted to be. When she spoke again he was sure she was going to try and convince him that she shouldn't be a part of the equation, or perhaps add another convincing speech about wanting to be out here with him. Her words therefore, caught him off guard.

"Do you remember when we met?" she said, her voice sounding soft and wistful.

He turned to look at her, unable to answer as the picture of her sitting in the moonlight beside him took his breath away. Of course he remembered, he remembered everything, but right now she almost looked like that little five year old girl that had first made him rethink his cootie theories.

"These people came to town, do you remember?" she was continuing, "The Natural History Museum in Boston lent us their butterflies."

"Live butterflies," he said interrupting softly, "Hundreds of them. Yeah…they had them in a tent over at the rose gardens. And Doug had me guard the screen doors so they wouldn't fly out." He could remember that day, the mixture of feeling important that he had been left in charge of such a big task and wanting to rebel and sneak in to look at it all.

"I think we were five," Joey was saying, and he nodded his head in agreement. They were five, it was the summer right before Kindergarten had started. "My mom brought me, and I remember feeling like I was the queen of the world that day because Bessie didn't come. And you were guarding that door like it was the most important thing you'd ever done." She was smiling at him now, the memory almost visible on her face, as she thought of the way that defiantly proud little boy had caught her attention almost immediately.

"Well, butterflies, you know. Very delicate," he said with a smirk, and her smile got bigger at this glimpse past all regrets and into the boy she loved so well. "And then Dawson came with his dad. I was supposed to go over to his house after that."

She noticed that he skipped the part that she loved best, the part where he had pulled her away from her mother to sneak her inside so that she could be the first to see the butterflies. He skipped the part where for a few brief minutes he held her hand in his and took her into a beautiful magical world for the first time. He skipped the part where she had kissed his cheek as he snuck them both out again so that Doug wouldn't catch them. She didn't add this part of the story for him, not even to tell him that on that day when she felt like a princess, he had been her prince charming. She knew why he skipped it over, knew it was too much to think about right now in their current state of things. So instead she picked up the story where he had left off.

"You did. But I asked if I could come too, remember? And you got all mad, and told me that Dawson was your best friend, like I was going to take him." _But it was you that I wanted to take, Pacey_, she thought, _You were the reason I wanted to come along._

"The world seemed so small then. I couldn't imagine you two knowing each other." He added, his smile slipping, his face lowering again to look at the water below.

"The three of us had only just met Pace," she stated, hoping to make him understand that it wasn't as if the Joey and Dawson show extended backward through all their memories.

"And I was a jerk to you every single day after that," he said, trying for the playful banter, falling somewhat short.

"Well yeah," she responded, helping him play the game, "You thought I stole your best friend. Probably seemed like the end of the world at the time." She paused again to study him, and saw that beneath the smirk was a slicing pain, because back then it had been the end of the world, and now it was again the end of the world for so many different reasons. And she was one of them.

"Pacey, if I wanted to go back into that house, I would've gone a long time ago. Don't you know me at all by now?" She meant to say it gently, but it came out forceful. She knew it was her own fault if he didn't believe it, it was her own fault if he never knew her again, but she wanted him to believe desperately.

"Well I don't want you sitting here feeling sorry for me," he managed.

"I don't feel sorry for you I _feel_ for you Pacey. God can't you ever tell the difference?" she wanted him to know this, wanted him to see that it wasn't pity driving her to be here.

"I don't know," he said sighing. "I don't know, because you and I have had a very confusing run of things, especially lately." The look he gave her was again laced with meaning, and hurt, and she wanted to cry but didn't. Instead she responded, and wanted to kick herself when the aggravation she was feeling at her own mistakes came through in her voice and seemed directed at him.

"Ok. You know, no matter how much I love you or how long I stay with you, you're only going to remember the moments when I leave."

"Well, you gotta give me that much, because those are pretty much the most painful moments in my life."

She froze inside, hating what she had made him feel, and self preservation made her lash out, wanting him for once to just be angry with her instead of hurt.

"That's because you ask for them Pacey. I'm sorry, you do. Your whole life you spend so much time expecting the worst that you don't even notice the moments when people are loving you, and Pacey, people spend a lot of time loving you." _I LOVE YOU! _Her brain was screaming.

"Well, with all due respect Jo," he said, resignation in his voice, "My best friend just walked away from me, but that's not even the worst part. The worst thing is he hasn't even really known me for the last 3 years, so please clarify that for me. How does that qualify me as a man with a support network?"

"Well you have a person sitting right here don't you? But of course that's not enough. Not until you let it be." She didn't know where her words were coming from, didn't know how her heart could be aching to give him comfort and her words were poised to attack. _God, add it to the list of issues to work out in France_, she thought miserably.

"In what world do I have you?" he asked, and she noticed that there was no hope in his voice. He wasn't expecting to have her in any world, in so many ways he had never expected to have her, not even when they were together. It was one of the things that had torn them apart.

"Look, just because I don't fit into that place you want me to, doesn't mean there's not a place for me Pacey. Does it?" her last two words did hold her hope, her question. Was there still a place for her in his heart, in his life, or had he wiped it all away with her last leave taking?

"Joey this isn't your fight anyway," he said, and now his tone made it clear that he just didn't have the will to discuss it at all anymore. Emotions had taken their toll on him, and he was just tired. He didn't want to fight with her, he didn't want to rehash the past. What he wanted was to put his head in her lap and have her tell him it would all be okay, but that was the one thing he couldn't have.

"You're right," she was saying, scooting closer to him so that their bodies were touching, ankle to shoulder, and he almost did cry just from the contact he had missed so much these last weeks. "You're right, it's not my fight because it's been over for a really long time Pacey. And it is up to you to make it right." He knew the meaning behind her words, for once was able to read her subtext with perfect clarity. What she was telling him was that she had taken herself out of the equation, she wasn't Dawson's anymore. But that also meant she wasn't his either. So the fight was over.

"I don't know how to make it right," he said softly, and hoped she understood that what he wanted to make right had nothing to do with Dawson. He wanted it to be right with her, and he didn't know how to do that or even what that would mean anymore.

"Well, you're gonna have to figure it out. You know that's the thing about ghosts. They say that they don't leave until they're at peace with what they left undone."

He almost laughed, as this was such a typical Joey Potter thing to say. Tell a guy to get rid of his ghosts, give him some wise advice she probably got from some book, but give no real direction. He wanted to sarcastically thank her for being such a big help, but then she threw her arm around him and made everything in his world a little more right. When her head hit his shoulder he felt a small amount of peace. This is what he had wanted from her, this comfort that he was sure she hadn't wanted to give. But here she was giving it, pulling his body into hers, and when his tears tracked unbidden down his cheeks she let him turn his face into her and cry.

The sensation of her cool fingers brushing through his hair made the tears fall harder, and when her lips left warm trails across his forehead and cheeks a ragged sob escaped. He wanted to burrow into her, to hide in her heart and be kept safe and warm. For a moment he pretended that they were still together, that things had never fallen apart and that the last two years were just a terrible dream. He would open his eyes and she would be 17 again. They would be able to go back to the beach house and hold each other, a tiny fortress against the world.

Finally he had to leave the fantasy though, and pulled back slowly to just sit beside her, their fingers loosely intertwined, a gesture that gave him infinite comfort.

"Jo?"

"Yeah Pace?"

"You know why there isn't a place for you?" he asked quietly, and her heart froze. She couldn't answer, didn't want to hear that she had been pushed from his heart.

"Because you have always been every place, not just one. You are everything to me Jo, and so you will always fit in my life. Always."

It was her turn to cry silent tears, but she brushed them quickly away, not wanting him to need to comfort her. She forgot though that Pacey knew her so well, and so when his thumb came up to gently wipe an escaped droplet from her cheek a half laugh half sob escaped and she just hugged him as tight as she could.

"I never lost the butterflies Joey. Not since that very first day when we went in to see them. I've still got 'em, and every one of them has your face on it, just like the stars." His voice was choked with emotion, and hers was too when she answered.

"I never lost them either Pacey. I don't think I ever will."

He pulled back from the embrace, looking quizzically into her face, trying to read her.

"What does that mean Jo?" The answer to a question had never seemed more important.

She took a moment to consider, knowing that this was the moment she needed to get it all right.

"What it means Pacey is that I love you, and I always have. I…well, I left you a message a few weeks ago. Actually, I called and then didn't leave the message because.."

"I heard it," he said, interrupting.

"Oh."

This she had not been expecting, and so she had to take another moment to collect her thoughts.

"Well then, I guess what I want to tell you is that I think I finally understand what I have to do to give you that clean slate. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately Pacey, about us but also about myself, and I feel like I have finally started to figure a few things out. I think that in a way I was always trying to find myself in others, that I looked to other people to give my life fullness and meaning and direction. You were wonderful at doing that for me Pacey, but it wasn't fair to you or to us. What I need to do is figure out who I am by myself first. I need to know that I can survive being just Joey, alone. When you left after senior year, of course I was heart broken, and of course I missed you and wished you were still with me, but in a way I was also really proud of you Pace. You took that chance and faced the world on your own. These past two years you have really had to count on yourself and figure out how to relate to the world and to others, and you are an amazing man because of it. You were an amazing man before too, and now, well now you just take my breath away with the person you've become. I'm still so proud of you Pacey." She paused for a moment, looking at him seriously, forcing him to read the truth of those words in her eyes. When he finally tore his own gaze away she continued.

"What I want to do is be with you, but until I can work through some of my own issues and fears, until I can be at peace with the past, I can't give you a whole heart because my heart isn't yet whole. And you deserve it all. So, I'm not going to ask you to wait for me, and I'm not going to ask you to forgive me or to understand me, or even to keep loving me. What I am going to do is take some time to figure myself out, to find how I fit in this world with no one else to define me. And I'm going to tell you that no matter where the world takes us, and no matter how long we are apart or who we end up with, I am always gonna love you Pacey Witter, and I will always be here for you. You have changed my life, over and over again. You are a part of me, forever."

She had not spoken her heart so openly before, and it was hard to do. She had always been more comfortable behind the playfulness than in the full light of serious conversation. She had to fight the urge to look away as she spoke, knowing that she owed him that. What she saw in his face was a myriad of emotions, confusion, hurt, hope, love. She waited, wondering if he was going to say anything, wondering if he could even begin to understand.

"I love you too Joey Potter," he whispered, and in six words he had shown her just how much.

He squeezed her hand, letting a sigh escape as his gaze swept over the familiar creek. "So. I guess I kind of get it. And I've gotta say Potter, you sure do have impeccable timing when it comes to breaking a guy's heart. I mean, telling me ya love me but aren't going to be with me and then sending me off into the night to nurse my soul on Dougie's couch with Mariah Carey in the background? Way to make a guy consider suicide!" He was laughing at her, and she felt infinitely better, because he got it more than anyone else ever could.

"Watch it Witter, or I might push you into the creek!"

He chuckled, but soon this faded, and melancholy once again ruled his form.

"What am I supposed to do now Jo? No offense, but you were not really the biggest of my problems at the moment."

"I don't know Pace. I really don't know."

They were quiet again, and she could almost sense the sadness welling in him again even before fresh tears began to glint in the corner of his eyes.

"Um, I think I'm just going to sit here for a while and think," he said, his voice gruff and low, and she knew this was her cue to leave. Giving his hand one last gentle squeeze, she stood, the weight of the world clearly back on his shoulders, all declarations of love and support not enough to comfort him in the darkness that had overtaken his life.

"Goodnight Pacey," she whispered instead. When he didn't respond, she started moving down the dock, feeling her own tears stinging again behind her eyelids. When she reached the lawn she realized that in fact her transportation home was back next to Pacey tied to the dock. Deciding that he really didn't need her to intrude on his thoughts again, and that the walk wasn't _too_ far she started out for the road. She was about to round the corner of the house when she saw Dawson's familiar figure slamming out of the porch and stomping down toward the dock.

She turned quickly and ran, catching him before he reached the beginning of the wooden slats. At first he tried to angrily shake her grip from his arm, but when she wouldn't let go he turned to glare at her instead, his tones icy and clipped.

"What the hell Joey? Let me go, I'm gonna give that bastard something to think about."

"No Dawson." She said evenly, but with iron lacing her words.

"No? You can't tell me what to do at my own home Joey, especially not after I have to watch you go and comfort _him_ when it should have been me you followed."

"You? You don't need comfort Dawson. You gambled and you lost, it's the way of the world. So you lost some money, that sucks, but you have so much else in your life to be thankful for, so no I don't think _you_ are the one in need of comfort."

His glare got meaner as he finally pulled his arm from her, only to have her move so that she was directly in his way, denying him access to the dock and the object of his anger.

"Listen to me Dawson, and listen good, because this time _I'm_ the one giving you an ultimatum. If you so much as say one word to Pacey tonight, if you set one foot on that dock before he has left, I swear to god I will cut you from my life. Do you understand me? If I find out that you got within twenty feet of him I will never speak to you again. We will be finished. So I suggest you turn around and go back to that perfect house of yours and stay away."

Dawson wasn't sure how to respond, he had never seen Joey so angry, and she had never stood up to him like this. He didn't want to believe her, but something in her tone convinced him that maybe he better leave it all alone for the night. Shooting a final sneer at the hunched boy on his dock he turned and headed back up to the house.

88888888888888888888888

Joey sat quietly huddled in one of the Adirondack chairs in front of the BnB. Though she had arrived home over 20 minutes ago, she hadn't yet found the will to go inside, knowing a sleepless night awaited her once she did. Beside her was a copy of Dawson's script, left there from her morning perusal, its pages fluttering in the wind as if in mockery of the golden world that had been immortalized on its pages, a world that would never again exist for them all.

A tear fell quietly down her cheek, thoughts of all that had been lost in the horrible process called growing up overwhelming her. She ached for the little boy who had never had enough love growing up, who had never had enough people believe in him no matter what. She missed the little boy who had been a dreamer, and brought them along selflessly into his magical world. She missed the little girl who was so damn sure of who she was, and who would fight with mud and fists and feet to establish her place in the world. She hurt for the two best friends who would never really know each other again, for her friendship that was too damaged by hurt and time, and for her other friendship that had never had enough of a chance to blossom in the shadow of the blond boy who ruled their world. She mostly hurt because she knew that Pacey's life was only going to get harder in the coming days, and she would soon be leaving.

In a moment of anger at the whole stupid situation, she flung the script away. It caught in the wind and drifted slowly out toward the trees, coming to rest on the lawn not far away. She wished it had been washed away in the creek.

The soft splash of oars brought her out of her thoughts. There, in her rowboat, was Pacey, paddling slowly up to her dock. She stood, moving to meet him as he tied it up and climbed onto the faded wooden planks. Her tears she saw were mirrored on his cheeks. Silently they moved toward each other, arms grabbing and holding the other close. It could have been minutes or hours that they stood there, offering silent comfort to each other in that embrace.

When finally he pulled away Joey almost sobbed anew at the lost look in his eyes. She could see in them his frantic search for something to hold on to, something to keep him afloat.

Slowly, almost hesitantly, he lowered his mouth to hers. When his lips touched, his moan was more of a mewl, a sound of need and love. He kissed her gently at first, lips feathering softly against her own, drinking her in little sips, before becoming rougher, more desperate, begging her for entrance. She felt the familiar heat in her core, felt herself being caught up in the moment, and knew she had to pull away, had to make sure he knew that she had meant what she said on the dock. She needed time.

"Pacey," she said, surprised at the breathlessness of her own voice.

"I know Jo. I know. I'm not asking you for anything more than this. Just give me tonight Jo, just tonight. I need to feel something good, something besides empty. Please."

His voice pleaded with her as did his eyes. She could see the truth of his words written on his face, knew that he would ask for nothing more in the morning. But still she hesitated, not knowing if either of them could survive another taste of what they were together only to once again be apart.

"Please."

The second please did her in, and she crushed her lips back into his own, letting him pull her against his body, feeling his warmth mingling with her own cocooning them as the cool night air wrapped itself around them. Her hands moved to tangle in his hair, the softness a familiar sensation that pulled at her heart. His kisses were sweet and hot and sad all at once and she couldn't get enough of him, letting her tongue slide languidly against his own, dueling for dominance as they always did.

After a few moments she pulled way, again breathless, and taking his hand led him quietly back into the house. Tonight they would comfort each other, and however much it hurt in the morning to part, at least they would have these moments to hold onto during the rocky journey still yet to come.


	13. Chapter 13

The Message

The Message

Chapter 13

Joey woke alone, sunlight her only companion in the bed that had held so much passion and need only hours before. Slowly she ran her hand over the sheets where his sleeping form had lain, the material cool to the touch telling her what she already suspected, that he had left long ago, maybe even with the rising sun. Sighing, she pulled the old patchwork quilt up over her head, not yet ready to face the real world when the world they had created last night together was so much richer, so much more beautiful.

Making love with Pacey again after all this time had been an almost overwhelming experience. It was both new and familiar, making her feel like both a 16 year old girl and a full grown woman all at the same time. She had always wondered during their brief time together this year what it would be like to go to bed with him again. They had never gotten that far, mostly she thought because they had been hesitant, not sure what to expect from the act. She had always worried a bit that the partners they had both had since each other would invade the space with them, that she wouldn't be able to look at him above her without thinking of Melanie or Audrey, or some faceless girl whose name had been dropped in casual conversation. Last night however had proved her wrong.

When Pacey looked at her she knew, could see in his eyes, that all he wanted was her. That she was his world, that she was his rhyme and reason, and that no one else had ever done _this_ with him, this soulful connection of bodies and hearts that made her want to scream and cry and smile uncontrollably for the rest of her life. It felt as if they were creating a new kind of perfection, slow thrusts, heated kisses, roaming hands and soft sounds all combining into a dance of love that she was tempted to call transcendent no matter how much her practical mind rebelled against such a romanticized vision of a carnal act. Underneath is all was a layer of loss and sadness that gave their movements and words a weight that reminded her in so many ways of their last night in the beach house together, when broken promises and insecurities had already torn them apart but they were clinging together for one last time. They both knew that in many ways it was goodbye, but this time at least there was the ray of hope that is wasn't goodbye forever.

Hearing Bessie's voice calling out to Alexander to 'stop throwing his food and eat it' she knew that she couldn't linger in bed much longer. She stretched languidly for a moment more, a wicked smile crossing her lips as she pictured Pacey above her, then swung her feet to the floor and got out of bed. With only six days until her Paris departure, there was no time to waste on daydreams, it was time to try and right a few wrongs before she left. First stop, Bodie's pancake breakfast. Second stop, Deputy Doug's. Because damned if she was going to let Pacey mope about any longer than necessary.

8888888888888888888888

"Come on, move it already!" Pacey yelled tiredly at the column of cars ahead of him.

He had been stuck in traffic for the past hour and a half, more than doubling the usual commute time between Capeside and Boston. He was tired, dejected, and just wanted to get home. With only two more days til rent was due on the loft, it wasn't going to be home much longer, and he wanted to enjoy having an actual bed and bedroom for every second of it. Dougie was being kind enough to let him crash on the couch once he again became homeless, and as glad as Pacey was to at least have a place to lay his head he was also already hating the loss of independence that having his own place had given him.

He honked again, mostly to join in with all the other drivers who were creating a cacophony of sound to no avail, then sighing pulled the emergency brake and threw the stick into neutral. He wasn't going anywhere for a while, so he might as well get used to it.

For a few minutes he flipped through radio stations, grumbling to himself about how they always seemed to play commercials at exactly the same time on every station. Giving up he flipped the power off, and pulled out his cell phone.

His first thought had been to call Joey, but with his finger poised above the 1 (always her number in his speed dial, even when they had been apart though he would never admit it) he paused, suddenly unsure.

Spending the night with her had been amazing, falling asleep with her head on his chest just as they used to had been something he had dreamed of for so long. But when he had awoken in the gray light of dawn, the dreamlike quality of the night had faded to reality, the reality that he wasn't allowed to stay. That making love to her had been a moment to hold on to, not the beginning of something more. That right now, he wasn't allowed to try and be her everything, and she wasn't ready to try and be his.

He had allowed himself a few minutes to watch her sleep. He memorized her, this new Joey, so different from the 16 year old girl he had loved, and yet achingly familiar.

He took in the sweep of her lashes against her cheek, the slope of her nose, the way her dark hair fell in loose waves over the pillow. He lightly brushed his hand along the curve of her body, careful not to wake her, letting memories of her skin pressed close to his suffuse his thoughts. Finally, he pressed a gentle kiss, full of all the love he was so desperate to give to her, to her lips, pulling back shakily to rise from the bed and leave her behind. At least for now.

After a brief meeting with Doug, chipper even at six thirty in the morning, to resolve his couch surfing future he had gotten directly on the road back to Boston, not yet ready to be in Capeside surrounded by memories old and new.

Now, only miles from the loft, phone in hand, he wasn't sure what to do. Calling her was what his heart wanted, but it was also probably the one thing that would hurt his heart most at the moment. She wasn't his. He had to keep reminding himself of this, and he had a feeling that hearing her voice was going to make it harder to remember. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, before slamming his head back into the headrest on the seat. _Why does everything always have to be so damn complicated?_

Finally, with another glance at the unmoving column of traffic stretching out to eternity ahead of him, he moved his finger a fraction of an inch and hit the 2 instead. After several rings, she answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey Blondie."

"Pacey! My god, it's a miracle, Pacey Witter is actually calling me. And here I thought you threw yourself off a cliff somewhere when you didn't return my phone calls for the past _week and a half_," Jen said sarcastically.

"Sorry kiddo, life has been kinda rough if you know what I mean," he said, smiling despite the heaviness so familiar to his heart these days. Really, he couldn't believe he had waited this long to call her. Jen always had a way of making him smile even through the darkest times. Maybe because she had learned to do it herself.

"I don't think you'd believe just how much I know what you mean Pace," she said, and her voice sounded less bright, putting Pacey on instant alert.

"Why? What's up with you? Is CJ being a punk, do I need to kick his ass? Cause you know Lindley, I don't just offer intimidation services to my ex-girlfriends, ex-sex pacts are treated with the same distinction in my book."

"No, nothing like that," Jen said, laughter again finding her voice. "It's weird but your timing is almost perfect. Jack found out last night and I just got off the phone with Joey about ten minutes ago."

Pacey felt his chest tighten at her name, and didn't say anything afraid his voice would give him away.

"It's Grams Pacey. She, well, she has breast cancer."

Pacey was infinitely glad that he wasn't actually driving at the moment as her statement would have definitely caused a crash. He was stunned, unable to even comprehend her words for a minute.

"What? No, I mean, Grams? Is she okay?" His voice was slightly strangled, and suddenly his own problems seemed much less critical.

"She's doing okay. It's spread too far for surgery to be effective, but she's starting chemo this week and we are hopeful. She's strong, and she's not ready to leave us all just yet, so I am holding on to that right now."

"Jesus Jen, I should have called you back sooner. I'm sorry, I should have been there for you with all of this and…"

Jen cut him off with a quiet shushing. "No Pacey, I know things have been rough for you too. And I've had CJ here to help me, and he has really been wonderful. Even Jack didn't know for a while, I was waiting to see what Grams wanted to do, but now that the secret's out things are moving pretty fast."

"How so?" he asked, a little confused.

"Well, that's the next part of my news. We, Jack, Grams and I, are moving to New York. We're going to live with my mother, she's only minutes from the best medical care in the country for Grams, and Jack and I are going to NYU. You know he always wanted to go there, he really only came to Boston to be with me. It's time for all of us to start moving forward, and this is the way for us to do that and take care of Grams at the same time."

Pacey chuckled wryly at this last part. "Moving forward huh? Guess that's gotten into everyone's system lately," he said.

"Okay mister, time to explain yourself. I told you my drama, and also have already penciled you in for dinner tonight to discuss it all in more detail, but now you need to spill about what is going on with you."

"Well, how about I give you long story short for the moment, then we can fill in all the details at this dinner I have just been penciled into, okay?"

"Fine, just give me the basics."

"Let's see, I tried to drown my Joey sorrows with a woman who turned out to be engaged, the stock all my money _and _Dawson's was in crashed and burned, I got in a fist fight with my boss and lost my job, Dawson hates me again because of the money, Joey told me she loves me but needs to be on her own for a while, we slept together last night and I snuck out this morning, and in two days –because I no longer have any money nor am I viably employed – I will be moving back onto Deputy Doug's couch, tail firmly tucked between my legs."

There was silence on the line for a moment, and then Jen's laughter bubbled through to meet his ears. "My god Pacey! You have got to be the only person alive that can make getting cancer look like the better deal!"

Pacey was shocked at her irreverence. "Jen, don't do that. Nothing can compare to what Grams is going through.."

"Pacey, I have to laugh about this okay? We all do. It is the only way we get through these kinds of things. Besides, if you think about it, it is all kind of funny in that depressing black humor soap opera kind of way."

"You got me there Lindley, I guess it is kind of funny," he said, allowing himself to step back and chuckle at his situation if only for a moment.

"Good. So then I'll see you tonight at seven for dinner, and we can go through everything with the detail it deserves alright?"

"Sounds like a plan. Look Jen, I gotta go, traffic is moving again but I'll see you tonight."

They quickly said their goodbyes, and Pacey tossed the phone onto the passenger seat, throwing the car back into gear and finally moving toward home again, this time with a smile on his face.

8888888888888888888888

Joey's day had not been going according to plan. This was threatening to throw her off base, to make her cranky and irritable, but the 'new' Joey was trying to let such things roll off her back. So far all this new philosophy had given her was a backache.

It had all started with a phone call that had stopped her right on her way out the door to find Pacey. Jen's news had floored her, bringing back memories of her own mother's struggle and all the pain both physical and emotional that went along with it for everyone involved. After assuring Jen that she would be making it back to Boston in the next few days to truly catch up, she had dropped the phone into the cradle and then dropped to the kitchen floor. Bessie found her like this nearly 20 minutes later, tears still brimming in her eyes, ghosts of the past haunting her face.

It had taken Bess almost another 20 minutes to get Joey to calm down, spending most of the time convincing Joey that just because their mother had succumbed to the disease didn't mean Mrs. Ryan would, and that the important thing was to be strong and have hope, just as they had during their mother's battle.

Finally composed, Joey had phoned Mrs. Ryan directly to tell her that anything she needed, both she and Bessie would be only a phone call away. Feeling better after at least being able to offer her support, she finally set out to do what she had planned.

Only problem was, the truck seemed to have gotten a flat tire.

Another half hour and one changed tire later, Joey was on the road, determined to keep up a happy spirit for Pacey's benefit. The smile on her face lasted through the five minutes she spent pounding on Doug's door, only slipping when she realized that either no one was home or she was being blatantly ignored.

Not willing to back down now, she drove to the police station to find Doug and hopefully get some answers about Pacey's whereabouts. Of course he was out on a call, and so she spent the next hour and a half catching up with Mandy, the girl who answered the phones for the department, whom she had gone to school with back at Capeside High. After hearing more than a lifetime's worth about the benefits of selling Mary Kay on the weekends, and hearing more than she ever wanted to know about Mandy's boyfriend Todd who had played football with Jack back in the day, Doug had finally returned.

In less than a minute he had sent Joey's mood from mildly annoyed into downright black as he told her that as far as he knew Pacey was back in Boston by now, and that he didn't think his little brother was planning on gracing Capeside with his presence again for a couple of days yet.

Now it was way past lunchtime, and on top of being hungry she was confused and frustrated. It wasn't that she expected Pacey to sit around and wait for her, she had come to terms with the fact that by going on a self searching journey alone she was giving up all rights to him, but she had at least thought he might keep her in the loop and let her help him, especially after last night. Now she wasn't sure what to think. Had he thought last night was a mistake?

She tried calling his cell phone but got the voicemail, and wasn't sure what to say in a message, so instead she just went back home.

Now she was sitting outside on the porch steps trying to figure out how she was going to help make things better around here before she left, especially when the person she wanted to try and make things better for wasn't even answering his phone.

"Hey," a voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked up with a smile that wasn't quite as he came into view and sat beside her on the steps.

"Hey Dawson."

She wasn't sure what to do with him, wasn't sure what to say to him. Frankly the way he had behaved last night disgusted her, and she wasn't sure she could find even any civil words for him at the moment. She felt as if she was finally seeing clearly just how much self doubt and pain Dawson had inflicted on Pacey over the years, and having done the same herself, she felt as if neither she nor him deserved any sympathy at the moment. She said nothing instead, and he fidgeted nervously beside her.

"Look Joey, um, I feel like we need to talk about what happened last night," he began, reaching out to lay a hand on her leg, and then quickly retracting it when she flinched away.

"Dawson, if you need to talk to anyone about last night it's not me. Last night was not about me, and I think you know that."

"You want me to talk to Pacey? Frankly, I don't care if I never talk to him again. I have nothing left to say to him."

This got her attention, and she turned to gaze harshly at the boy who used to be her everything.

"How can you say that? Pacey used to be your best friend and now all of a sudden he's nothing to you? Are you kidding me?"

"Key words 'used to be' Joey. Pacey and I haven't been friends for a long time, not really, and my life has gone on just fine without him."

"Well I've got news for you Dawson. You and I haven't really been friends for a while either, and your life is going on fine without me too. So why do you care enough to try and keep our bond but not your bond with Pacey?"

This seemed to stun Dawson momentarily, and for a few long seconds he just stared at her, his mouth opening and closing though no sounds came out.

"That's, well I mean, that's not the same. You and I, we have a link that transcends all the petty day to day things Joey. We're soulmates. Pacey, well he was just a childhood friend maybe better left in the past. And besides, he betrayed me."

It was Joey's turn to stare. "Do you seriously not know all the things wrong with what you just said? First of all, I've gotta tell you, nothing about us is transcendent. Our friendship fell apart at the beginning of the year for _very_ earthly reasons, and whether we remain friends or not is going to depend on the little day to day things. Soulmates is just a word Dawson, it doesn't mean anything unless both people want it to. It doesn't guarantee anything. And leaving all that for a conversation that I am not quite sure you're ready to have, the fact that you can think Pacey betrayed you is simply absurd."

"It isn't absurd Joey, you were there both last night and three years ago. He has always put himself before our friendship."

"No. You choose to see it that way but it isn't the truth. There was no betrayal three years ago, because neither Pacey nor I belonged to anyone. I wasn't your girlfriend then, and I hadn't been for a long time. And if there was a betrayal then it belonged to the both of us, Pacey and I, and probably more to me because I was the one who didn't want to tell you. He'd been trying since the start to let you know. And last night? That wasn't betrayal. That was one of your oldest friends coming to you heart in hand to apologize for the bad things the world does to us sometimes. You think he 'selfishly' lost all his money to spite you? Because he lost everything he had too Dawson. He lost it all, and he came to you because he was sorry that it had happened to you too. God, the two of you could have commiserated together, you could have gone out and had a beer to drown your sorrows and then gotten up this morning to figure out what to do about it. The money you gave Pacey to invest was a _business_ exchange, and he was willing to do more for you than an anonymous broker ever would. If you had invested that through anyone else you would have been lucky to get a phone call with a fake apology, and yet Pacey came all the way down here because he felt like he owed you that. But he doesn't owe you anything, no one owes you Dawson. We give you our friendship because we want to, because the three of us have something that not a lot of people have, not because we feel like we owe it to you."

Diatribe ended, Joey took a few deep breaths to calm herself and then stood. "Call him Dawson. Call him and try to make things right before it's too late and you've lost something you didn't even know you had. Pacey is worth having in your life, don't throw that away because of your stupid idealistic views of the world. I almost did, and I can barely forgive myself for it."

With that she turned on her heel and walked back into the BnB, leaving a stunned Leery in her wake.

She entered the kitchen still in a huff, and ignoring Bessie's raised eyebrow and pointed look headed straight to the fridge to pull out the pitcher of iced tea, hoping to cool her temper with a cool drink.

Bessie waited patiently as she poured the liquid into a glass, returned the pitcher to the fridge and sank into a seat at the table, another huff of disgust radiating from her as she sat. It wasn't until after Joey had taken her second sip of tea that Bess opened her mouth to voice the question that had been lingering at the tip of her tongue since hearing the heated voices outside.

"Want to tell me what that was all about?" she asked coolly, feigning only passing curiosity when in reality she was chomping at the bit to get the scoop. After all, her life these days was hardly angst filled, and as she didn't have time to watch the 'stories' on tv most days, she had to get her dramatics from somewhere.

"No," Joey responded just as coolly, though the anger still flashing in her eyes gave her away.

Bessie waited calmly, pretending to go about the business of paying bills as she had been doing before this new development. She knew Joey well enough by now to know that it was only a matter of time before she spilled, when Joey was this frustrated she couldn't hold back her words, a curse maybe of growing up with that overly verbose Leery boy. It didn't take long for Bessie to be vindicated.

"It's just he makes me so angry sometimes Bessie. How can I have been so blind to what a pig headed selfish asshole he's been all this time?" she practically yelled, slamming the glass down onto the table top with enough force to send a shaking vibration through the whole thing.

"Who is?" Bessie asked, wanting her suspicions confirmed.

"Dawson! He just, god, he just has no sense of how the real world works you know? If it doesn't follow a script it doesn't make sense to him, but the world doesn't work that way, people don't work that way!"

"He's always been like that Joey, I thought you knew that. Hell, half the time I thought that was what you liked about him. So what's with the sudden realizations and recriminations?" Bessie was fully engrossed now, frankly a little surprised that her sister had finally seen in Dawson what everyone else had just accepted long ago.

"Pacey. Pacey happened."

"Wait wait wait. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but this seems like a conversation that belongs in the past, like three years ago. Don't tell me you and Pacey are…" Bessie trailed off, her eyes wide at the possibilities that this melodrama might be bigger than she had anticipated.

"No we're not, well I mean. Ugh, it's just all more complicated than that," Joey sighed in frustration.

"Then un-complicate it for me."

"Long story short, because believe me the full version is probably epic in length, Dawson went to Pacey to invest some money to try and boost his disposable income for his newest movie scheme. Pacey did as asked, the stock crashed and the money is gone. Dawson blames Pacey for it, even though it is a risk you take when you invest, and now has Pacey feeling like he's worthless again because of it. I ended up fighting with Dawson about his callous and selfish attitude, and now I can hardly stand to look at him. Add to that the fact that I finally figured out what my stupid heart wants, namely Pacey, but also finally decided it was about time I figure out who I am on my own so I don't screw up again, breaking both my heart and his in the process, and you have basically a typical day in Capeside."

Bessie contemplated this all for a while, wanting desperately some more of the details (especially as now she was even more convinced that it was Pacey Witter she had seen slouching across the lawn early this morning), but also knowing that now was not the time to get them. Thinking back, she realized she had not always been the best in the sisterly advice department, and had maybe even at times complicated things for Joey – such as an ill timed Regatta sponsorship – so now she was determined to try her best to help.

"So what is it you want Joey? What is it you want to happen to make this better?"

"I just want things to be set to rights before I leave, you know? I want to know that even if Dawson and Pacey aren't best friends, that they are at least talking. I want to know that Pacey is okay. I want to figure out how the three of us all work now, because I don't want to carry my past mistakes into the future with me. I just don't know how to do that."

Bessie was frowning slightly now, deep in thought. "Well okay, but can I ask you why it is so important to you that Dawson and Pacey start talking again? From what you've said it sounds like _you_ don't even want to be talking to Dawson right now."

"Because Pacey wants it. Pacey knows what Dawson is like, he's probably known longer than anyone, but somehow he still feels like he needs that validation in his life. And I understand that, because that is what I needed for so long too. I think for both of us Dawson was this huge force in our lives, giving our childhood the sense of wonder and hope that was sometimes missing in our own homes. It has taken me nearly 20 years to realize that I don't need Dawson to make my life complete, that I don't need his validation for my choices. But it was something I had to figure out on my own, not just something I could accept when Dawson pulled away from me. And I think it has to be like that for Pacey too. If he is ever going to realize that he doesn't need Dawson's approval he is going to have to do it on his own, not just accept it because Dawson isn't talking to him anymore."

"Okay, I guess that kind of makes sense. But what about you Jo? Are you ready to just wash your hands of Dawson Leery?"

Joey paused, twin emotions of nostalgia and anger warring with her to give two different answers. Instead she gave the only one she could. "I don't know. Right now, I want to scream 'Yes, yes, a hundred times yes, but in another way he is always going to be a part of me you know? He's tied to my childhood. So do I want to wash my hands of Dawson Leery? No, but also Yes."

"Can I say something here Joey, something that you may not want to hear?"

When Joey nodded her head slowly, Bessie continued.

"I don't think you can, nor should you. Not completely."

"So what, I'm stuck with him forever because once upon a time someone branded us with the stupid term 'soulmates' which has since been bandied about with alarming conviction and frequency?"

"No. That isn't what I'm saying, so just hear me out. When you were telling me yesterday about your reasons for going to Paris, I was so proud of you. I could tell that you had finally decided to grow up a little, and leave behind all the drama that you couldn't change, all the hurts of the past. But I also was proud of you because you weren't running away from the past, you were just moving forward. Part of moving forward Joey, is honoring the past for what it was and then leaving it there. You can't just wipe the slate clean and wash your hands of it all, because the past in so many ways defines who we are now. Dawson, despite how angry you are at him now, or how much he deserves that anger, is a huge part of your past. Whether you remain friends in the future is up to you, and I can't say that I'd blame you if you let him go, but you have to find a way to be at peace with the past you had with him, and honor your past with him for who it helped you to become. Dawson Leery may not see things the way we all want him too, and he most definitely has a picture of the world in his head that makes it hard for him to deal with the realities of life, but before love came in and complicated everything up, he was a pretty good friend to you Joey. To you and to Pacey. So just as Pacey needs to find a way to deal with that, you do too. And I think you need to find a way to do it before you leave, for your sake and for Pacey's. Because if you really want to be with him when you get back, you need to make sure that all your Dawson issues have been tied up and left behind."

There was silence in the room for a long moment, as Joey took the time to process all that Bessie had said. Finally a smile cracked her lips.

"So where exactly was this wise sisterly advice three years ago?" she asked sarcastically.

"Hey, this stuff takes time to marinate. Besides, I don't think you were quite ready to put Dawson well and truly in the past three years ago."

Joey had to admit the truth of those words. "So what now oh wise one? How do I go about putting him 'well and truly in the past'?"

"His movie," Bessie responded without hesitation, feeling like she was now really on a roll.

"His movie?"

"Well, I kind of found the script out on the lawn this morning, and reading it over I've gotta tell you Joey, it sounds like he was writing about exactly the good times you need to cherish and then put behind you. I think that you, and Pacey, need to help him film this movie, whatever it takes. It'll be sort of symbolic, the three of you immortalizing this time that was so important in your lives and then letting it go. It might be the catalyst to help you all move on."

"Assuming that you're right about that, you seem to be forgetting one very important thing Bessie. There isn't going to be a movie, all the money is gone."

"Then I guess, little sister, you are just going to have to figure out a way to make the impossible happen. And in six days, as I believe your ticket to Paris is non-refundable."

With these final words, Bessie stood and left the table, heading back into Alexander's room to wake him from his nap, and leaving a deeply contemplative Joey in her wake.


	14. Chapter 14

The Message

The Message

Chapter 14

Pacey sighed as he took one last look around the rooms he had called home over the past 9 months. The loft was now empty, his few belongings packed into a box and his old green army duffel, both of which were now stashed in the back of the rental car waiting downstairs to take him back to Capeside. The Mercedes had gone only the day before, turned back over to the dealership. Though he had loved that car, loved the way he felt driving it, it had actually been easier to let that go than to leave the loft.

This had been the first place he could call his own since True Love had been lost to the sea over two and a half years ago. Here he had felt like a man, a man whose friends could be proud of him. A man who had a shot at making his mark in life. A man with the world before him, no possibility too far out of reach. Leaving it was just a reminder to him that as always his success came in the form of borrowed time.

Jack had taken off a few hours ago, his stuff shoved into the Saab haphazardly. The two had shared a final beer, toasting everything from 'Emma!' to 'The future!' and needless to say, Pacey made some of the toasts more enthusiastically than others. It was sad to watch Jack go, to know that soon not only would they not be roommates but Jack would be in a whole new city, bright with possibility and promise. And Pacey, well, he would be on borrowed time again, bunking on a couch that still held the imprints from his last stay.

He looked around the room that had seen the very beginnings of his second chance with Joey, letting the memory of that drunken kiss sink over him. This room had seen him through good times and bad, through sickness and health, and shit he was starting to think in wedding vow terminology about a freaking room. It was definitely time to go.

He climbed down the spiral staircase, the one which Jen, Joey, Audrey and Emma had all insisted gave the whole apartment a unique charm, and which he and Jack had always insisted was simply an unnecessary addition to the middle of a room, when a small side staircase would have done the trick and not made finding the best place for Bertha so damn difficult. He ran his hands along the countertops of the kitchen, where Jack had eaten many a bowl of cereal and where the two of them, along with Emma, had eaten casual dinners together on the odd night that they were all home at the same time. He even looked out the window facing Hell's Kitchen, forcing himself to remember only the good times they had all had there, not allowing his mind to drift to waitresses or bartenders.

At the door he gave the whole place a once over, feeling like he ought to say something, make some parting declaration. Nothing came though, these days he just didn't have it in him to make any more grand gestures or speeches. And he had had enough parting moments this year to last a lifetime. The weight of the world settled itself onto his shoulders, a familiar ache by now, as he shut the door behind him, sliding the key in underneath. That was goodbye enough.

It wasn't until he was back on the 95 speeding towards mediocrity that he allowed himself to think about what else was waiting for him back in Capeside. Joey.

He knew she had been trying to get a hold of him. Hell, he had the 42 voicemails, 17 texts, and 3 Jen admonishments to just 'call her back already' to prove it. And despite the assurances he had made to both Jen and Jack that he was fine, that he and Joey were fine, that everything was just fine, it was now time to admit to himself that it was not. He had done a lot of thinking over the past two days and found that really there was only one conclusion he could reach. She didn't really love him, at least not the way he loved her.

He had tried to hold on to every word, every look, she had given him that night on the docks. Tried to reconcile her declaration of everlasting love with her past behaviors, and found that as much as he wanted to believe her he just wasn't sure he had it in him anymore to hope. They weren't in high school anymore. They weren't on a boat sailing into the sunset, they weren't even trapped in a K-Mart living out a half cocked version of an old dream. Where they were was firmly rooted in the real world, currently set in Capeside, Mass. and the only thing that ever brought them was heartache.

He didn't doubt that she believed what she had said when she said it. Joey could never lie to him, he always knew something was going on even when he wasn't sure what, and so he knew she had meant the words she said. He even knew she loved him, despite their confusing run of things this was something he had never really doubted. What he did doubt though was that this time she would come back to him.

Wherever this soul-searching thing led her, he sincerely hoped it would be what she needed. He understood her plea for time, her need to grow up and figure out her own heart before giving it away. He, maybe better than anyone, knew that Joey Potter had not known her own heart for a long time. He was glad she was determined to find herself, to define her future without the influences of childhood friendship and romance. It was these very things that he was so proud of her for though, that convinced him she would not be coming back to love him once she had it all figured out. How could she? He was, after all, part of what she was trying to outgrow.

He knew his heart already, knew that it had settled on a fixed point – as she had put it – long ago. He loved her, would always love her, had always loved her. And so he had to let her go. Joey would take her time for herself, and he knew despite all her hopes to the contrary, this time would prove to her that he wasn't the one. Because really, what on earth could he offer Joey that she couldn't offer herself? She would come to him and tell him that despite the place he held in her heart, he wasn't it for her. It might take her a month, it might take her a year, but inevitably she would come. Their story had ended on a ship in formalwear many moons ago, everything since had just been epilogue. And eventually even epilogues had their end.

This was why he didn't return her calls. He just couldn't bear to hear any more promises, couldn't allow himself to start hoping again. His future consisted of a couch, a job hunt, and the inevitable skulking around town while whispers and accusations about the Witter fallen from grace ran rampant. Hers was out there, in the great wide realm of anything is possible. Now he was just going to have to find a way to avoid her all summer. Well, her and Dawson.

Resisting the urge to slam his head into the steering wheel in defeat, Pacey drove on, putting up walls with each passing mile.

888888888888

Jen looked around her room, now more than sure a tornado had snuck in when she had her back turned, as there was no way it had been this messy when she took a break for lunch. Once again she was puzzled by how packing your stuff into boxes always seemed to make it multiply, and it always got worse before it got better.

Jack was sprawled across her unmade bed flipping idly through one of her magazines, a smirk on his face. He, much to her chagrin, had finished his packing yesterday, necessitated by the fact that without Pacey to pay the rent they had both been forced to vacate the loft yesterday as well. He was now back with her and Grams until the big move to New York in a week, and frankly Jen was starting to doubt her sanity in wanting him along what with that perpetual smirk at her packing dilemmas.

Grams was perfectly content to have her surrogate grandson back home, especially as Jack seemed to have no problem helping _her_ get _her_ things into boxes. But no matter how many times Jen begged, wheedled, and whined he refused to pack even one of her boxes. In fact, he seemed to be deriving an inordinate amount of pleasure from watching her frustration grow.

Why was it that boxes never held three rows of CD's, only two with a smidgen of unused and unusable space after? Why did books come in so many different sizes so that they had to be fit like Tetris pieces into the box? And how on earth were you supposed to decide what clothes you would need for the next week that far in advance? So far this had proved to be the biggest problem, leading to many a half opened box from when Jen had found herself digging to find that one t-shirt she had decided to wear after all.

Giving up for the moment she huffed over to the bed and flopped next to Jack, trying to disturb his peaceful repose as much as possible in the process.

"Packing is stupid," she grumbled, feeling all of nine years old in her ire.

"So I take it you're done for the day then huh?" Jack asked, tossing the magazine carelessly to the floor to join the pile of miscellaneous stuff Jen had been trying to sort and organize.

"Definitely done. And kind of in need of a drink," she grumbled again, now wishing she was all of 21 instead of a lowly 20.

"We could hit the gay bar again," Jack supplied, referring to the bar they had discovered freshman year that didn't card.

"Nah, no one will ever buy my drinks there," Jen pouted.

"Well then, love of my life, what do you suggest?"

"Me? How come I have to come up with all the good ideas? You'd think just once you'd let me be the vacant eye candy that my blonde hair entitles me to be!"

"Eye candy, yes. Vacant, never." Jack replied, earning him a smile. Maybe he wouldn't be so bad to have along in New York after all.

"Tell you what, it doesn't solve your drink dilemma, but if you'd settle for coffee I bet Audrey would be more than willing to take a study break about now."

Jen considered for a moment, letting her eyes flick over the random piles of stuff all about her room. "Buy me a muffin to go with that coffee and you've got yourself a deal."

"Okay then," Jack said leaping to his feet and pulling her along with him. They had reached the doorway, after making a twisting path around the scattered debris, when he added.

"Oh but Jen? I'm gonna need to borrow five bucks. Got a lady to buy a muffin for, wouldn't want to disappoint."

He would swear later that he lost more than a few brain cells from the smack Jen delivered to the back of his head.

8888888888888

Joey looked quickly at the clock, always aware these days of how quickly time was moving, and that soon it would be running out. It had been nearly two days since Bessie had convinced her that Dawson's movie had to be made and so far nothing was going to plan. She hadn't been able to get a hold of Pacey, she hadn't been able to figure out where to get the money to fund the movie, and she had no idea how one went about casting a movie when one was no longer in high school. She had even thought about going to Capeside High to try and recruit a few wannabe actors, but remembered that school was no longer in session and anyone who was there these days had enough on their plate without a movie role. She was feeling utterly defeated.

She had now been sitting in Doug's living room, trying her best to ignore his puttering about in yellow gloves and a pink – yes pink – apron, for over two hours. He had insisted the apron had been a gift from Pacey, and that the only reason he used it was because it was senseless to get rid of a perfectly serviceable apron just because of color. Still, she found herself starting to see where Pacey got all the ammo for his harassment of his older brother from. Frankly, gay jokes were running through her head at the moment too.

She was only in Doug's apartment, lips firmly sealed to any impending giggles, because this was the day that Pacey was supposed to arrive back in Capeside and she was determined to finally get a chance to talk with him. Aside from wanting to make sure all was well after what had happened between the two of them, she was also hoping that if they put their heads together they could figure out how to get Dawson's movie made. It was almost five o'clock and she was starting to get impatient. How long did it take to move out of a damn loft anyway? She knew, from Doug, that Pacey was selling most of his stuff to help pay some credit cards he had run up and to cover living expenses of the most basic sort over the next few months, so he couldn't have that much to pack. She imagined, briefly, that he was having some long, drawn out goodbye scene with Bertha, but had to cut the image from her mind. That was the old Pacey, the one who would joke and make a fool of himself just to make you laugh. The new Pacey, the one who felt like he had finally lived up to the moniker of 'loser' bestowed on him so long ago, would not have even named his tv, let alone shed a tear over parting with it. She hoped he wouldn't be this new version for long.

Finally there was a brisk knock at the door, and she jumped to her feet as Doug moved to answer. From her position she only had a partial view of Pacey standing in the open doorway, old duffel bag thrown over one shoulder, a smile plastered on his face. She watched as the smile fell, presumably because of the unamused stare Doug had been practicing since the moment Pacey was born. Her heart leaped to her throat, and she had the sudden thought that maybe she should just grab him, duffel and all, and make a run for it, to parts unknown. They could leave Capeside, and the people they had been and tried to outgrow, behind. Instead she moved almost shyly forward, waiting for him to notice her.

"You know Dougie, you'd think you'd be a little more excited to see me. After all, this apartment could use a masculine touch now and again."

"Very funny little brother, but let me remind you that your presence is but a temporary one. You aren't 16 anymore, so I expect you to find a job and an apartment of your own. Soon."

Joey heard the exaggerated sigh that escaped Pacey's lips at his brother's statement. She knew he was trying for humor with it, but also knew him too well to mistake it for anything but the defeated sound it was. She wished just once someone in his family would show him as much compassion as he deserved. At least Doug was giving him a place to stay, but did he have to be such a hard ass about it?

Pacey, however, let it roll off his back, used to such greetings from the people who were supposed to love him most. He stepped around Doug, a witty reply ready to trip from his lips, when he spotted her. He almost stumbled to as stop, his mouth going slack and his eyes looking a little panicked at her presence.

"Pacey," she said, and she wasn't sure if it was in greeting or relief.

"Um, hey Jo. Ah, what are you doing here?"

He wouldn't quite look her in the eyes, and she could hear the telltale jingle of keys in his pocket that told her he was nervous. Now she could feel her own nervousness grow, suddenly unsure if coming here had been such a good idea after all. She hadn't meant to blindside him with her presence, and it certainly seemed like that was just what she had done. Doug was looking between the two of them, his expression a mix of confusion and exasperation.

"You know, it's times like this when I could swear the two of you were still 16 and dancing around each other like a couple of love sick idiots," he said finally, throwing his hands up in defeat and making his way into the kitchen. Joey swore she could here him mutter, "At least they aren't making out on the couch anymore," as he left.

The ice at least slightly broken by Doug, they smiled at each other, both moving in toward the other awkwardly. Joey wasn't sure if she should hug him, even though she wanted too, and almost ended up just sticking out her hand to shake his before she realized just how ridiculous she was being. She had decided to be a grown up, so the least she could do was just act like it. This time she moved more confidently, catching him up in a hug.

Pacey paused for a moment before hugging her back, and was the first one to step back from the embrace. When he did, the smile was no longer on his face and Joey felt her heart flip flop in her chest. Still, when he asked quietly if he could have a word with her outside she steeled her spine and kept her smile firmly in place. She had promised she would not ask him to love her, so she would not be upset if he didn't. She was determined however, to let him know she still loved him no matter what. To her mind, it was about time he had someone prove their love for him for once, and she was going to keep doing that until she left for Paris, and after she got back as well. In fact, she would keep trying to prove it for the rest of her life if he would let her. She may need time to find her heart, but it was no mystery to her where it would lead to once she had it all figured out. It had, after all, found a fixed point long ago.

They left the apartment and started to walk in silence. Pacey was rapidly trying to collect his thoughts, Joey was waiting with outward patience and inward nerves. When they reached the docks - one of their old familiar haunts - Pacey stopped, leaning up against a railing looking out over the boat slips. Joey joined him, noting his fingers drumming nervously against the rail, resisting the urge to grab his hand to stop the movement.

"Pace, whatever it is that's bothering you, you can tell me." Her voice was quiet, gentle even, and she wondered briefly where this tone had been when she had first joined him on the dock three nights ago.

Pacey finally turned to look her fully in the eyes, his gaze searching, for what she didn't know. She put on what she hoped was an expression of love and support. After a long moment he released a breath she hadn't even known he was holding and turned his gaze back to the bobbing sailboats below.

"You know, I always thought by now we would have made it to the Keys again, you and I."

His words were not at all what she had expected, but she stayed quiet knowing he would get to his point when he was ready.

"Even after True Love was gone, I thought we'd do it somehow. When I asked you at that graduation party if you'd sail with me should I ever be lucky enough to have a boat again I meant it. God, I really thought even then, even when everything had fallen apart, that someday it'd be you and me out on the water together again." His hands were now fists resting on the railing before him, and he lowered his head to them briefly as if living through a particularly painful memory. When he stood straight again she could see a sheen of pain and tears in his eyes.

"And then everything went to hell. Somehow everything stopped making sense in my life, everything changed, and I don't know how it happened. It was like all my good intentions, all _my_ ideas about finding _myself_ went out the window and I was just trying to get through the days. The past two years I have just been trying to get through the days without you, trying to put you behind me, and after all is said and done the only thing I know Jo, is that my life doesn't make sense without you."

"Pacey," she said, moving toward him as if to embrace him again, but he held up a hand to stop her.

"No, let me finish. Because here is the thing Jo. Those two years, despite how far I tried to push you out of my heart you were never far from it, and I watched you survive without me. I watched you make sense of your life without me. And I know you'll do it again. I am so proud of you for deciding to figure out who you want to be on your own, I'm so proud of who you already have turned out to be. And I love you. But I want you to know that I'm not the one for you Joey. Somewhere out there is some great guy who can lay the world at your feet. He'll be able to give you more than moments, more than declarations, he'll be able to live the life you want with you. And he'll know how lucky he is to have you, just like I know I'm lucky to have had you when I did. So don't go searching for your heart so you can give it to me Joey. I am Capeside now, I probably always have been. And you never were."

"But Pacey," she started to protest, emotion choking her voice, "You already are that guy, the one who puts the world at my feet. You are the one person in my whole life who has inspired me to greater things. When I find my heart I already know it's going to lead me straight to you. I told you I love you. I meant that."

The look he gave her was one of tolerant disbelief, a pained smile gracing his face. "I believe that you love me. Honestly, knowing that is probably the one thing that has gotten me through the past few days. But you don't have to be in love with me, and once you really give yourself a chance to grow I think your heart just might surprise you with where it leads. I already know it won't be to me."

"Well maybe my heart will just surprise you then. I know I've been a mess recently, and I know I made a mess of our last try at being an 'us' again. I hurt you not so very long ago, and I know we have hurt each other in the past. So I get that you don't believe me. But Pace, I do love you. You aren't Capeside to me, you're home. And if it takes me my whole life to do it, I'm going to find my way home again, and prove to you that there is nowhere else I'd rather be."

He had turned his face from her during her speech, and she reached up to gently grab his chin and force his eyes back to hers.

"Don't get mired in depression Pace. Don't let anyone or anything convince you that this is it for you. You can do whatever you want with your life, it is all still out there for you just waiting. I love you and I believe in you. And besides," she added, letting humor slip back into her tone, "Witter's aren't quitters."

A genuine smile, almost a smirk, graced his features for a scant moment before it was replaced with a serious look. "Even if none of that is true, thanks for saying it."

She went to argue, but again he stopped her.

"Look, right now I can't do this okay? I can't put on a positive attitude and pretend my life hasn't gone to shit. I just can't do it Jo, not even for you. And I don't think I can do this thing with you right now either, not with any of you. I said my goodbyes to Jen and Jack back in Boston, and really I brought you out here to say my goodbyes to you too. Right now, I just kinda want to be alone you know?"

Joey felt her heart sink, knowing that 'alone' meant 'wallowing in self pity' and that he was rapidly slipping away from the realm in which he would accept her help.

"But Pacey, I need you right now. We have got to find a way to get Dawson's movie made and…"

"I can't Joey. Right now, I got nothing left. I'm sorry."

She sighed at this, knowing right this second there would be nothing she could do to change his mind. She wasn't ready to give up, but it was clear she needed to be the one to get the ball rolling on this movie business before she came back to pull him in. She would let him stew for a few days, but she would be back. If nothing else to reaffirm her feelings before she took off halfway around the world for a year.

"Okay Pacey. You win."

He nodded silently, turning to head back to Doug's apartment. This time it was her turn to stop him. Grabbing his arm, she pulled him flush against her, stretching up to plant a soft kiss against his lips. When she pulled back she was smiling again.

"I love you Witter, whether you want me to or not."

Having said the most important thing, she turned on her heel and left him standing there, not even giving him a chance to respond. It wasn't until a few minutes later when she passed Leery's Fresh Fish and saw Dawson bussing some of the outdoor tables that the smile slipped from her face.

8888888888888888

Ever since the day he had gone to the BnB looking for some answers, Dawson hadn't spoken to anyone, and in truth his mood was worse because of it. He just couldn't understand how Joey of all people could turn her back on him in his time of need. He had been angry when she took Pacey's side the night of the confrontation, but had been prepared to let her explain herself the next day. The fact that all she could talk about was Pacey was mind boggling to him. How had this all happened? Pacey and Joey had ended years ago, how was it that she was still siding with him now?

When days later she hadn't even tried to call, he started taking his frustration out on others, snapping at everyone including customers. As far as he could see, it was well within his rights to be a bit upset, but his mother hadn't seen it that way and had demoted him to busboy, telling him he wasn't allowed to interact with the patrons until his attitude cleared up. This was in a way even more frustrating than Joey turning on him. The fact that now his mother was against him too? Well it was almost too much to bear.

Then there was the fact that neither Jen nor Jack had tried to offer their condolences, though he was sure they must have heard the news through the grapevine by now. Okay, so maybe he hadn't been too close with them lately, and sure he hadn't tried to call either of them in a while, but come on! This was such a clear cut case of Pacey being wrong, and him being the victim, how could they call themselves his friends and not rally to him?

Now he was pulling another double shift, tired and cranky after having stayed up all night trying to find out if there was any legal way he could try and get his money back from Pacey. As it turned out, most courts seemed to think that it was the investor's risk when putting money into the stock market, and so far he couldn't find any cases in which the broker had been held accountable. It looked like the money really was gone, and maybe more than one friendship with it.

Glancing at his watch he saw he was due a break. He threw his rag over the side of the dish bin and stormed back into the break room, throwing himself into a chair and closing his eyes, glad that for the moment at least no one else was around. His quiet was interrupted not a minute later when his mother came storming in.

"Dawson, office, now." She said before storming back out. Reluctantly he followed her into the small back office, knowing he was in for an earful. He knew his parents had insulated the office walls well when first starting the business, believing that a private space in which to conduct business and talk with employees would be useful later on. If his mother wanted to talk to him in here he had a feeling she might be yelling.

When he had settled into a chair opposite her, she spoke again, and surprisingly her voice was low and calm.

"Dawson, sweetheart, you can't keep this attitude up. You haven't been sleeping, you've been hell to deal with at home, and frankly no one wants to work with you here anymore. This isn't who I raised you to be."

"But mom," he whined passionately, "How else should I be acting? My money? Gone. The dream of being a director? Gone. Joey? Gone. No one is feeling sorry for me, so I think it's my right to feel sorry for myself."

"Honey, I'm sorry you lost your money. I know that was a major blow to you. But you know I warned you about investing it. These things do happen, but we have to figure out a way to move beyond it. Your father wouldn't want to see you acting this way, to see you giving up your dream," she pleaded.

"What else am I supposed to do? Thanks to Pacey, I don't have anyway to make that dream happen anymore!" He was gesticulating wildly as his rage grew, his face reddening with each passing second. He was therefore quite shocked when his mother stood and slammed her hand down onto the desk forcefully.

"That is enough. Now I tried talking to you kindly first, because you are my son, but you are acting like a spoiled brat right now, and I won't put up with it anymore. I'm going to tell you something that you need to hear, like it or not, and you are going to listen to me. You have been blaming Pacey for too many things for far to long. "

Dawson gaped at her hardly believing his ears. Now his own mother was taking Pacey's side?

"When you were a junior, that spring when everything with Pacey and Joey happened, your father and I coddled you more than we should have. We didn't want to see you hurt, and because of that we didn't put a stop to your behavior, and we have regretted that ever since. Your father especially. After the embarrassment that was the Regatta, I think he realized that he couldn't, and shouldn't, fight your battles for you and also that you weren't always in the right. You and Pacey were best friends, more brothers than anything really, and it broke my heart to see you push all that away. These past few weeks I thought maybe you were starting to get that back with him. He came to the house, I heard you two talking on the phone, and I thought maybe, finally, you were going to put the past aside and let him back into your life. But these past few days you have shown me a side of you that I don't care for, son or not. If you ever want to be friends with that boy again you need to get over this money thing. People are more important than money, they always will be. So think about that long and hard before you throw him away. And as far as Joey is concerned, she has a right to her own mind and opinion, and just because she doesn't agree with you doesn't mean she doesn't care. If she's angry with you, frankly I am sure it is with good reason and if you don't want to lose her friendship too I suggest you shape up fast."

Now Dawson was just downright flabbergasted. He wasn't sure what to say, but felt the need to say something. Before he could even begin to defend himself though, his mother walked to the office door and opened it.

"And I believe your break is now over, so you are dismissed."

All he could do was walk out, her words spinning madly in his head. Amidst them all was Joey's admonishment from the day before. _Call him Dawson. Call him and try to make it right before it's too late._ However right now when it came to Pacey, Dawson was pretty sure it was already too late.


	15. Chapter 15

The Message

The Message

Chapter 15

Four days. That was how long she had left. Four days in which to make a movie, convince a man she would still love him, and see if an old friendship was even worth holding on to anymore. Four days was seeming awfully short to Joey right about now.

Bessie had kicked her out of the house, reminding her that as short as the time seemed, it would be even shorter if she spent the rest of the day moping around. At first Joey just stood on the porch in shock, hardly believing she had been thrown from her own home, not really thinking that Bessie was going to keep her out. Then she realized that this was exactly the sort of thing her older sister would do to her, and like it or not it was probably also exactly what she needed. With the days running out it was time she started making the rounds.

Her first stop was Dawson's. She had thought about going to see Pacey, but her hope was that she could talk some sense into her blond headed friend first, and then maybe take Pacey some good news to cheer him up. When she arrived at the Leery door though, it was Gale that answered.

"Oh Joey, it's so nice to see you," the older woman gushed, practically dragging Joey into the house. "I heard that you were back, and I was planning on coming over to say hello, but well…" Gale paused, and Joey knew she was thinking about the recent rift that had formed between Dawson and herself. She knew that it was only sensible that Gale would take her son's side, but in truth it stung a little bit to know that their feud had meant the woman she considered her surrogate mother hadn't even wanted to visit. She was therefore a little shocked at what came out of Gale's mouth next.

"Frankly, I've been too embarrassed to come by. I feel at least partially responsible for Dawson's terrible behavior, and I want you to know I've spoken with him about it. I cannot believe that he is just throwing away his friendships yet again." Gale looked at Joey with sorrow in her eyes, and reached out to grab the younger woman's hand before continuing.

"I know I haven't always been the fairest of judges when it comes to my son's behavior, and I know I have let him hurt you and Pacey in the past, simply by allowing him his self righteous indignation, but I want you to know that those days are over. These past few years I've seen what wonderful people you both have grown up to be, and it saddens me that I have missed out on both your lives because I let Dawson's actions control mine."

Joey felt tears stinging at the corners of her own eyes at Gale's heartfelt words. She discovered that in some way she had been waiting to hear just this for so long, waiting for Gale to tell her that she was still important to this family despite the rocky past. Joey realized that she hadn't really felt at home here, hadn't really felt fully comfortable in Gale or Mitch's presence, since the summer she chose Pacey over their son. In a way, it felt like she was finally coming home.

The two women sat in the kitchen playing catch-up for awhile, and as they talked Joey felt another dawning epiphany, as if a window had suddenly been thrown open and her whole convoluted history with Dawson Leery became clear. Because _this_ was what she had missed, this is what kept her coming back for more. This sense of belonging to a family, of having a home, was what had drawn her to him like a moth to a flame. She had been convinced since she was 12 years old that Dawson was the key to this kind of love, and so she had never fully let him go. And as she sat in the kitchen, talking with the woman who had stepped in to try and fill the hole her own mother had left, Joey realized something even more important. She realized that she didn't really need Dawson for this, not anymore. She already had it, she had had it all along. She belonged to a family, she had them around her no matter where she was. She had Bessie, Bodie and Alexander. She had Jack, Jen and Grams. And she had Pacey. She had a home. She had the BnB, she had Sunday dinners at Grams' in Boston. She used to have a dorm room with a neurotic blond who didn't need Spielberg to make sense of life. And in her heart, she even still had True Love. She had everything she needed, and didn't need a single Leery to get it.

Watching as Gale flitted about the counter making tea for the two of them she smiled, knowing that this woman would always be important to her, but that she wasn't necessary to her life to make her happy. Just as Dawson would always hold a place in her heart and memories, but he was no longer necessary for her happiness either. And so, in the very kitchen where she had first gotten to know a bright and enthusiastic boy over milk and cookies almost 15 years ago, she let that boy and all that he represented go.

When Gale returned to the table with the tea, she paused, looking at Joey as if there was something she was afraid to bring up. Joey smiled encouragingly. "Look, we've been dancing around the subject of Dawson since I got here and you apologized for his behavior. I appreciate you understanding our disagreement, but there is obviously more you'd like to say. We can talk about him, really."

Gale let out a relieved sigh. "Joey, I don't even know how to ask you this. After everything that has happened these past few days, I would understand if you didn't care at all what happened next to him. But he's floundering, and I don't know how to help him." When Joey's expression began to harden, Gale put up a calming hand.

"Now I'm not saying it's anyone's fault that he is in this position. He's a big boy, and he should have thought about the risks of investing his money and paying for everything with credit cards before that money was a sure thing. It's just that he's still my son Joey, and I still care about him, and his dreams. This movie had him so excited. For maybe the first time since Mitch died I could see that spark in his eyes, that enthusiasm. He felt like he was finally getting back to what he really wanted to do, that he was telling a story that mattered. And I think that story did matter, it was the story of the three of you. It was a story I watched unfold, and that brought a joy to my heart. I hate to see that die just because of recent events. I hate to see him give up, on you, on Pacey, on the movie, and on himself."

Joey wasn't sure exactly what to say. While it seemed that she and Gale had the same goal in mind, to find a way to get this movie made, their reasons were different and Joey didn't want to give Gale the wrong idea. The truth was, she wanted to get this movie made so that Pacey could find some kind of resolution with Dawson, and so that she could finally say goodbye to the childhood that this film would immortalize. It was like her final act in the drama that had been high school, her final farewell to the boy who used to be her world. It was a closing chapter, and if it helped Dawson at all she hoped it was in putting to rest their chaotic and unhealthy codependency on one another. After all, it wasn't him she was worried about right now.

"Mrs. Leery, I agree that this movie needs to get made, and that was actually why I came over here today. I was hoping to talk to Dawson, to find out what he needs to get it done. But I want you to know that I'm not doing this for him, I'm doing this for me, and maybe for Pacey too. We have all been so caught up in the perceived injustices and emotions of the past that we aren't allowing ourselves to grow and move on. I finally realized though that it is time to do just that, to put the past behind me where it belongs. I just don't want you to think that because I'm going to help Dawson with this that everything is going to go back to the way it was. I don't want to hold any ill will against him, and you, he and Lily will always be important in my life, but after this it's time for me to live my life without worrying what he'll think of it."

As Joey finished her speech, Gale moved in to hug her. "Honey, you are like a daughter to me, I care about your happiness as much as I care about my own children's. I'm so proud of you, and I want you to know that whether you and Dawson remain friends or drift apart, you will always be welcome in this home."

Both women were now crying and hugging, overcome with the emotion of the moment. Finally they pulled back, wiping at their cheeks and laughing at their response to the whole thing. Gale was the first to speak.

"Well Joey, Dawson won't be home until later this evening, but I think I can get you started. Let me head up to his room and grab the list he made of equipment, and we can start figuring out how to get this thing done." She stood and headed up the stairs, leaving a slightly less frazzled Joey behind. "Oh and don't let me forget to tell you who called earlier this morning," she called down the stairs as she ascended, "I think he might be just the person we need to help get Dawson moving again, and after I e-mailed him the script I think he might just come and help."

88888888888888888888888

After finally leaving the Leery home a few hours later, Joey got back in the Potter truck and turned toward town and Deputy Doug's apartment. On the way she called Jen, telling her to gather the troops for a powwow tomorrow morning. After talking over Dawson's list with Gale it had become clear exactly what she needed to make happen to give Dawson a shot at finishing this movie. Jen agreed to pass along the time of the meeting to Jack and Audrey, after making Joey promise to check in on Pacey again soon. Joey assured her that she was just on her way over to his place now, and would pass along both the 'hellos' and the 'you better call me soons' that Jen and Jack both shouted into the phone.

When she pulled into the parking lot outside Doug's apartment she took a moment to collect her thoughts. To say that her last visit with Pacey had not gone exactly to plan was an understatement. She was still as determined as ever to convince him that she would be coming back to him, but that wasn't what she was most worried about. What had her worried was that she could see Pacey giving up. Yesterday when they stood at the docks and he told her to leave him behind, she could see that his eyes had dimmed, his spirit had quieted. He no longer believed in himself, so how could he believe in them? Her goal today was not to talk about their relationship, it was to inspire him to start believing again, in something. She was so sure that if he would just help her get this movie made, he would be able to forgive himself for the lost money and maybe get back some of his drive.

Climbing from the car, she chewed softly on her lower lip, an old gesture that belied her nervousness. So much had happened between Pacey and Dawson over the past three years, she was frankly a little worried that no matter what she did she wouldn't be able to help Pacey heal his old wounds. Part of her just wanted to tell him to forget Dawson, but she knew firsthand that leaving an old friendship behind was easier said than done. And as much as she might be ready to leave Dawson and all their issues in the past, she knew that this was something Pacey was going to have to do on his own, in his own time. She couldn't make him stop caring, couldn't make him impervious to Dawson's accusations and hurtful words. All she could do was try and help him find a way to make his peace, one way or another. For about the hundredth time in the past several days she hoped that making this movie was the right way to try and make that peace, because she wasn't sure if she could live with herself if she just ended up making the whole thing worse.

She knocked briskly on Doug's door, a smile firmly planted on her face. No matter how worried she might be, she was only going to let Pacey see her happy confidence. He had enough to worry about as it was.

Doug answered the door, a haggard look on his face. "Joey," he said by way of greeting.

"Hey Doug. I'm here about a loveable punk, you got one laying around anywhere?" She tried to keep her tone light and upbeat, even as her heart pounded harder at the thought of what state Pacey might be in.

"Look Joey, right now? Not such a great time for a visit," Doug said, a grimace gracing his features.

"Doug I just want to talk to him, I promise I'll be gentle."

"Oh I'd be the first one to encourage you to take the kid gloves off with my baby brother, but right now I don't think you'd even be able to get through to him. It seems he tried to rid himself of his worries over a bottle, or three, of whiskey last night, and he is currently in a semi-comatose state from the resulting hangover. It's so bad I even took pity on the guy and let him on my bed, and you know I'm going to have to burn the sheets after this."

Joey's heart sank. She hadn't wanted it to come to this, and it hurt her heart to know that Pacey's was hurting enough to turn to drink for comfort. He had never been a big drinker, knowing from his father what alcohol could do to a person, but whenever things got really bad he seemed to find his way to a bottle anyway. She remembered their junior year after Andie had given him back all the tokens of their relationship, he had shown up on the docks drunk and stumbling. It had been one of the first times she remembered Pacey allowing her to see that he could hurt too, that underneath the banter and sarcasm was a big beating heart that could be broken just as easily as any other. Or maybe even more easily, as Jen had said so long ago, because it was already a little bit broken to begin with. She remembered senior skip day, when unbeknownst to her Pacey and Drue had gone drinking. Looking back she could see all the signs that he was hurting, and again feeling that he had no other outlet he had gotten drunk. There were a few more times in the past few years that she had seen him like this, and each time seemed to come directly before or directly after some bad turn of events in his life. Each time he had pulled himself out of it, but she had to wonder how many more times he had it in him to do just that.

As much as she hated to leave it yet another day, she knew Doug was right, she wouldn't get through to him if he was hung over. Sighing she stepped back from the door, giving Doug a sympathetic smile.

"Thanks Doug. I know you and Pacey haven't always gotten along, but he needs someone right now and I'm glad you're around."

Doug shrugged as if to say he had resigned himself to this fate, but the smile at the corners of his own mouth let her know that he cared whether he wanted to admit it or not.

"And look, when he finally wakes up and is coherent again, tell him he should really make it in to Boston tomorrow if he can. We're all meeting at Grams' house at about 2 o'clock and he should be there. Tell him if he doesn't show, I'll be back more persistent than ever okay?"

"Okay Joey. And for what it's worth? I'm glad you're around too. I think he needs you more than anyone. He always has." With these parting words Doug closed the door, leaving Joey to mull over just how oblivious she had been to Pacey's feelings in the past. And just how determined she was to not make that mistake in the future.

8888888888888888

Dawson looked around his bedroom and all he could see was the joke that his life had become. It was like the very posters were mocking him, laughing at him for thinking that time could heal old wounds and that friendships were worth remembering. He couldn't believe that he had allowed things to get this way. Back in high school, after Pacey had stolen Joey away for the summer, he had vowed that he would never place his trust in that boy again. He had also vowed that when he got another chance with Joey – there had never been any doubt in his mind that this would come – he wouldn't let her get away. Now it seemed he had failed on both counts. Somehow he had let Pacey ruin his life, and he had lost Joey all in the course of a few days.

Anger overwhelming him, he climbed from his bed and began to pull the posters down, no longer willing to look at anything that reminded him of them. He was just debating whether he had the heart to actually throw away a Spielberg poster when a noise behind him made him jump. Turning he was shocked to see Joey climbing through his open window.

She looked great. Even though he was angry at her for siding with Pacey on this whole money thing, he couldn't help the pull of attraction he felt toward her. But that was just the way it was with soulmates, he told himself, they couldn't help the magnetic pull the had over each other. He felt his heart lift a little, maybe she had finally come to her senses and she was here to apologize and commiserate. God he needed that right now. Maybe, if he played his cards right, he could even get her to spend the night. Thinking about the last night they had spent in the same bed, he felt his palms getting sweaty at the possibility of having her again. God, he needed that right now too.

When she spoke though, thoughts of her in bed ran from his mind replaced by an angry blur of disbelief. Here she was, telling him they were going to make the movie, that he couldn't give up, yet she was still defending Pacey! Didn't she understand that he wasn't giving up, it was just that Pacey had stolen his chance at his dream? Didn't she understand that without the money, their friendships weren't worth putting on the screen? She finished her spiel, refusing to give in to his logical arguments, and tugged at his ear before heading back to the window. Her promise to return didn't do much for his spirits, as this visit hadn't been worth very much and that didn't bode well for the next one.

Depressed and again alone he lay back against his pillows and stared bullets at his ceiling, allowing his mind to wander to daydreams of getting back at them all, showing them all that he was in the right. Exhaustion from his most recent double shift began to take over, and his mind drifted to his favorite thoughts before he fell asleep. Visions of sailing off in a yacht with Joey by his side and Pacey left standing on the dock, having just been forced to wash the deck for them flitted happily around in the dark behind his eyelids. Someday he would have his chance to show them all. Someday Pacey would finally end up where they all knew he was headed anyway – the bottom of the food chain. Someday Joey would realize that she couldn't deny their love any longer and would come to him to beg for his heart. Someday he would be a famous director and everyone who had ever done him wrong would be sorry.

Dawson fell asleep in his room, the room that now looked identical to the one he had fallen asleep in at seven years old. Maybe that was why he was plotting revenge in his head like a child. Or maybe it was because for Dawson Leery there was just no such thing as growing up.

88888888888888888888

Jen and Jack were on a mission. After the meeting with Joey they had left immediately to fulfill their assigned task. Jack was excited that they had been put in charge of finding a cheap way to get the filming equipment, as he had worried that Joey might try to give him a role to play in the movie instead. Frankly, there were not that many wonderful male role models in the group's past, and he wasn't about to agree to play any of the fathers. Jen had argued for the fact that Mitch wouldn't be so bad to play, but Jack immediately shot her down, saying that he was not about to roll around on a coffee table making out with an actress playing Gale. After all, he had kissed enough women to last him a lifetime, and he didn't want to be immortalized on film as a straight man, and a horn dog no less. They had all laughed at this, knowing that there was no disrespect for Mitch in the comment. After all, Mitch would have been the first to admit that he and Gale had had a 'healthy' sex life.

Jen was not so thrilled with their role, and was currently in the throes of another pout about it.

"I just don't know why I don't get to be in the movie. I mean, Audrey gets to be in it and she wasn't even around back then."

"You know Jen," Jack reminded gently, "You never wanted to be in any of Dawson's movies. You still complain to me about having to play the Sea Creature's girlfriend in that horror movie, and you have always told me that you only did it because you wanted to fit in. Remember how you refused to play yourself in that first film back in high school? And even when he was making that movie last year, you wanted nothing to do with the acting."

"That was because of Charlie Todd!" she said indignantly.

"It was not. You threatened Dawson's life if he even tried to cast you even way back when Oliver was insisting on playing the lead."

"Well yeah, I guess, but I mean Joey didn't even ask me to play a part. I'm pretty enough to be in front of the camera. I bet she still just hates me for coming in and changing their little group."

"Yep Jen, that must be it. Joey must still hate you after all this time. I mean really, she isn't even that believable when she's been acting like a friend to you these past few years, I'm amazed it's taken you this long to see through her charade," Jack agreed sarcastically.

"Fine," Jen said, having to giggle a little at her own ridiculousness, "Maybe she doesn't hate me. But would it have killed her to at least ask me if I wanted to be in front of the camera?"

"You know what I think Jen? I think it is because she knows that getting this equipment is the most important thing, I mean if we don't get this it doesn't matter who gets cast in the film. She trusts you, well us, enough to put us in charge of getting this job done, that has to count for something."

Jen nodded, a smile now firmly on her face at feeling so integral again. As they neared the film equipment lab at Dawson's old university Jack peeked in the windows and added one more thought.

"And Jen? You are definitely pretty enough to be in front of the camera. In fact, I think Joey chose you for this assignment in part because of it."

"What do you mean?" she asked confused, but he didn't need to answer as they walked inside and she saw for herself the person sitting behind the desk. Jack was chuckling quietly behind her as she realized that the job Joey had really given her was to flirt shamelessly to get what they needed. She elbowed Jack sharply, hating that jobs like this always fell to the women.

Less than half an hour later they were walking out with the assurance that they could have whatever they needed for the film. This time it was Jen that was chuckling while Jack looked downright storm cloudy.

"So I guess I'll tell Grams that you won't be joining us for dinner tonight," she snickered,  
"What with that hot date you've got."

"Shut it Lindley," Jack growled.

"You know, we might have to dig out some of your packed clothes, after all you can't just go out in any old thing…"

"Jen…"

"I mean, you want to look your best for Franklin, after all the trouble he went through for us…"

"Jen…"

"For all you know, this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship," she sing-songed.

"JEN!!" With a final warning growl Jack pounced on her, tickling her mercilessly. By the time he stopped they were both out of breath and both smiling.

"How about I buy you a cup of coffee on the way home. It's the least I can do since you're taking one for the team," Jen offered by way of apology for the teasing.

Jack thought for a moment. "Throw in a muffin and you've got yourself a deal."

"Okay," Jen said happily. They were only a few steps farther when she added, "Oh but Jack? I'm going to need to borrow five bucks. Got a fella to buy a muffin for, and I wouldn't want to disappoint," before taking off at full speed down the block, already squealing as Jack gave chase.

888888888888888888

Everything was falling into place. In the course of one day Joey had managed to secure filming equipment, bribe actors into rehearsing lines, and even convince a crotchety old film store owner to let them use his store for filming. All that was left to do now was to get Pacey involved with the whole thing.

This time when she knocked on Doug's door she was resolute in purpose. Even if Pacey was really in a coma she was determined not to leave until she talked to him. She didn't even let Doug's weak attempts at convincing her that Pacey wasn't home deter her, ignoring his warning that what she was about to see 'wasn't pretty'. Doug wasn't wrong.

Pacey was sprawled out over the couch in his underwear, a half empty bag of chips on the floor beside him, its contents spilling out onto the floor. As Pacey lifted his head in greeting, she saw that the floor wasn't the only thing covered in chips. Half of Pacey's face was plastered with crumbs as well, his slovenly appearance making the orderly freak inside of her scream for action. Instead of dragging him immediately toward a shower to try and get her handsome man back, she steadfastly ignored the offending snack food and delivered her orders instead.

Pacey was having none of it, and her heart sank to see that he was straight past angry or sad and firmly entrenched in acceptance. He had somehow in the past two days accepted that this was all he had to look forward to in his life, soap operas and junk food, a couch to sleep on and no one to love him. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to shake him or hug him, and knew that neither option would help.

When he argued that nothing would ever be the same again, she wanted to tell him that she knew this, that it didn't have to be the same. But she realized for him, maybe, it did. Just because she was starting to grow out of Dawson didn't mean that Pacey was doing the same. Looking at him in this state, she thought not for the first time that maybe Dawson had been even more important to Pacey than he had been to her. And unlike her, Pacey had never had Dawson's unquestioning love or attention. So maybe for him things needed to be the same, if nothing else so for once he could be the one to change them instead of having change forced upon him.

Pacey could see her struggling to find someway to make him come with her. There was a part of him that wanted to give in, that wanted desperately to believe that if he did as she asked maybe everything really would be okay. There was still that tiny spark of hope buried in his chest that told him that there might still be a chance to repair his relationship with Dawson, and getting this movie made was the way to do it. However, the other part of him, the larger part, knew that he would probably just screw it up again, and this was something he couldn't bear. He was tired of being the screw up, and had decided yesterday afternoon (after his splitting headache had dissipated slightly) it was much better to be lazy and worthless. After all, being these two things wouldn't hurt anyone but himself, and it seemed that whenever he actually tried for something he ended up hurting not only himself but others as well.

When she made her final plea he almost got up just out of the desire to please her. She had always been his weakness, he never wanted to deny her anything she wanted. But he was trying to let her go, and the best way to do this he figured was to literally let her go, let her leave him behind. He heard her frustrated departure, refusing to actually watch her leave as that might be too much to take. Alone again, except for Doug's small sounds of tidying up, he stretched back onto the couch and tried desperately to lose himself in his stories. He was just getting into the middle of a really good bout of feeling sorry for himself when he heard the front door fly open again.

He hardly had time to turn around, let alone sit up, before he saw her storming back in, hair flying and eyes snapping. God she was beautiful when she got riled up.

"Pacey Witter, you listen to me. You don't have to help with this movie, that's fine, but if you aren't going to at least do it for the right reasons. Do it because you've decided Dawson is a pompous ass and you don't need him anymore. Do it because you are sick of working on his stupid movies all the time. Do it because you have decided to put the past away and move on to bigger and better things. That's fine, whatever. But I refuse to let you stay out of this because you think you are going to screw it up. You didn't screw up here Pace, you took a risk to try and help Dawson out and it didn't work, that's all. It isn't your fault!"

"Jo, I," he stuttered, not able to even fully process her dramatic entrance yet, let alone her words.

"Don't 'Jo' me mister, get off this couch, stop feeling badly and go out and be the wonderful person I know you can be. Go try and get a job, go look at the boats at the marina and daydream, go hang out at the BnB and eat Bodie's double chocolate cookies for all I care, just get off of this couch before you literally meld with it. Because believe me, it ain't pretty so far and I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life in love with the chip faced couch monster."

He thought about protesting this last dig, but putting a hand to his cheek and finding it embedded with crumbs he had to concede that on that count at least she was right. Unexpectedly a smile even brushed its way briefly across his lips, and her mouth responded with a grin of its own. For just a moment it felt like everything really was going to be okay, but just as quickly the crushing reality of his situation sunk back down around him and he tore his gaze from her.

He felt her gently settling onto the couch beside him, and when her hand brushed against his arm, soft and cool and comforting, he could hardly keep the sting of tears from escaping down his cheeks. He wanted to believe her more than anything, he just wasn't sure he had it in him anymore. But when her other hand came up to his cheek, he allowed her to turn his face toward her, allowed himself to fan the flame of that spark of hope.

"Pacey, you can't let him win this. He has said some awful things to you, and you have a right to be hurt and angry, but don't let him convince you that his words are true. They aren't, they never have been. You aren't a screw-up Pace, you're a person who tries harder than anyone I know and I love you for it."

"How can I not believe him though, when everything in my life shows me that he's right? How can I believe in myself when the person I thought I would always be friends with gave up on me a long time ago? I just don't know how to move forward anymore Jo, I have no idea what to do next, I just know that right now I hardly have the energy to move at all. I'm tired of life being this hard, I'm tired of trying and fighting and losing all the time. Just once, I want to rest a bit before I get back in the ring. Can you understand that?" His eyes held his plea as clearly as his words, and he was afraid he was disappointing her. Instead he saw a small smile on her lips, and love in her eyes and he felt the spark of hope grow a little brighter.

"Yeah, I can understand that. So don't help with this, that's okay. But please find a way to let him and his words go okay? Don't wallow for so long that you forget you are a fighter, and that you deserve to win sometimes."

When he nodded at her words, she leaned in and gently kissed him. It was the first time that day he actually wished he hadn't been wallowing, as he hadn't showered in almost two days and hadn't even brushed his teeth yet that morning. But she didn't seem to mind, and eventually he gave in to the pull of her lips feathering softly over his. When he kissed her back he felt the butterflies in his stomach leap into full force, and for the moment allowed himself to get lost in it. His arms came up around her, holding her gently too him, and when the kiss finally broke he held on just a little longer. She hugged him back just as tightly.

Finally he let her go, and she stood quietly before heading toward the door. Before she left she threw out an 'I love you' over her shoulder and he felt his determination rise. Because if she believed in him, who needed Dawson Leery anyway?

Ignoring Doug's sarcastic comments of 'It's about time' he made his way to the bathroom. It was time to stop wallowing and start acting, because she was right, he was a fighter, and this time he was fighting for himself, something he hadn't done in a very long time.


	16. Chapter 16

Pacey was exhausted

The Message

Chapter 16

Pacey was exhausted. He had spent the whole day running about town, his rental car having been returned due to lack of funds, trying to find sympathetic business owners willing to invest a little capital in return for a mention in the credits of what he had assured them was the next big independent movie. Luckily he hadn't lost his ability to sell people on possibility, and so his funds were not lacking as much any longer. Not that they were actually his funds, but they were maybe his hope. He had now in an envelope a little over 11,000, and with what he was sure he could get tomorrow he had enough to pay back Dawson's original investment, and maybe even a little more. He hoped it would be enough to maybe finally get back into Dawson's good graces and continue to build the friendship he had valued for so long.

Some of Joey's words were still lingering in his mind, words that told him to let Dawson go, to move on, but he couldn't do that yet. As much as he didn't care for the guy at times, a part of him was still determined to not lose one of the few good relationships he had had as a child. This money, he hoped, was a way to do that.

The hardest part of the day had been when he unexpectedly saw Joey outside of Screen Play video. She had been talking to Jen, trying to set up an outdoor shot for the film, and all he could remember was kissing her the day before and the casual and honest way she had thrown 'I love you' at him over her shoulder. She laughed at something Jen said, and he was reminded yet again that she was the most beautiful thing in his world. The morning had boosted his confidence, and feeling that spark of hope that she really did mean it this time he had started to walk toward her. He had gotten halfway to her, still unnoticed what with the flurry of filming activity going on around him, when he saw Dawson.

The smile on the blonde's face as he looked at Joey hit Pacey like a fist to the gut. He saw Joey laugh again and Dawson's smile grow bigger and he turned away unable to approach any closer. How was he supposed to go and talk to her when just seeing Dawson made all his failures seem to shine brighter. After all, here he was with hardly anything to his name, having lost yet another job, sleeping on yet another couch, and there was Dawson filming his movie and living his dream. And so he left without a word, not having anything to say any longer.

Despite that, it had been a productive day and he couldn't help but feel a little better at knowing he was doing something to make things right again. He was debating whether to get up and scrounge for food or just fall asleep when there was a knock at the door. Pacey waited a beat, wishing whoever it was would just go away and leave him to his weary self. Doug wasn't home, and he doubted the visitor would be for him, but when the knock sounded again more insistently he dragged himself from the couch with a groan and made his way over to the entrance.

Joey pushed her way in, not giving him the chance to make any excuses to her. Pacey considered walking out the door himself and leaving her in the apartment for. He had been avoiding her for the past two days, trying to get his thoughts straight before she muddled them up again with her presence, and after seeing her today he was even more sure that he wasn't ready to deal with whatever it was they were at the moment. Unfortunately, Dawson was still at the forefront of his mind and things had never worked well between him and Joey when either of them let Dawson into the picture. Knowing that running away now would just be delaying the inevitable, and feeling a little too tired to actual make a run for it anyway, he closed the door and braced himself against it instead.

When Joey realized he wasn't going to come in and sit with her she walked back to the doorway, her face a mixture of amusement and sadness. The combination made Pacey's stomach flip-flop nervously.

"Pacey, I know you've needed some time to yourself, and I didn't come to force my company upon you. I came to say goodbye."

At her words his stomach stopped flip-flopping and sank straight down to his toes. _Goodbye_. In a rush, her words from their last night together came back to him. Her plans to go to Paris, the fact that she had a week until her plane left, the fact that no one else really knew her plans but him and Bessie. And somehow he had forgotten that she was leaving. Somehow in everything else that was going on, in her promises of love and of coming back to him, he had forgotten that she wasn't just leaving him, this time she was actually leaving.

When a full minute had passed and Pacey still did nothing but stare at her, Joey spoke again.

"Pace? Look, I know I told you I was leaving for Paris. My plane leaves tomorrow afternoon, and I wanted – no I needed – to make sure I got to say goodbye to you before I left."

Pacey finally shook himself and choked out a response.

"I..I guess I forgot."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Joey waited a beat, hoping he had more to say to her than that. When no more words came she let out a sigh.

"Well, um, I guess I just wanted to tell you one more time that I love you, and that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a mess, and that things between us have been so difficult and confusing lately. I'm sorry that it seems at times like my head and my heart are always in conflict, and that even now I'm telling you that I love you but I have to be on my own for a while. I'm sorry things are so bad for you, I'm sorry I can't help you more, and I'm mostly sorry that you ever had to feel like I didn't love you. But I do love you, and I promise you this time I'm coming back to you. This time I'm going to have my head and heart in the same place, because you are in both."

Even as Pacey memorized every word she spoke all he could hear was goodbye. All he could think was that she was leaving him. And this time he wasn't sure if he would survive it.

"Pace? Do you have anything to say?" she asked, her eyes tracking his blank face curiously, as if she was trying to read the thoughts hidden behind his look.

"Um, goodbye I guess."

As soon as the words left his mouth he wished he could take them back. He watched as her face fell, and she rapidly tried to pull together the semblance of a smile. He wanted to shout that he had a lifetime's worth of things to say to her, that he didn't want her to go and it killed him to know she had too. He wanted to kiss her silly and then throw her over his shoulder and carry her far far away where thoughts of Paris would never enter her brain again. He wanted to tell her that he had already forgiven her for everything, that no matter what he loved her too. But he couldn't seem to do any of these things, and the goodbye hung between them.

She took a deep breath, steadying herself and her voice, before giving him a genuine – if slightly watery – smile.

"Goodbye Pacey."

She pulled him into a hug, and even in his shell shocked state he could respond to that. He hugged her tightly, hoping she would understand all those things he hadn't been able to say to her. She kissed him quickly, almost shyly, before pulling away.

"Well," was all she could manage, the tears already gleaming brightly in her eyes. Pacey was pretty sure he was too devastated for even tears. He stepped away from the door and she stepped toward it, and it hit him that this was it. This might very well be how the story of Pacey and Joey ended.

"Jo."

It was all he could say, but it seemed to be enough.

"I'll miss you Pacey Witter. And I'll come back, just you wait and see."

He couldn't help but grin at her words, the subtle challenge in them, the hint of a playfulness that he had been sure so many times they had lost. She grinned back, and then she was gone the door closing softly behind her.

"I'll miss you too Jo," he said quietly into the emptiness before heading back to the couch. His internal debate of food vs sleep was now mute, as he realized he no longer had an appetite and tonight at least sleep was bound to be elusive.

888888888888888888888888888

_So that didn't go exactly as planned_ Joey thought to herself as she drove the Potter truck back toward the BnB. She wasn't sure what she had expected from that goodbye scene, but she couldn't help but feel a little sad that it had seemed so, well, brief. She wasn't expecting declarations of love, but was it so bad that the girl in her hoped for them? At least she had that smile of his at the end to hold on to. That would be the image of him she would take with her when she left tomorrow, and that she would hold on to until she came home.

It wasn't until she was climbing from the seat that she realized there was another car parked alongside the house. It was a well recognized jeep, and she sighed knowing that there was another goodbye waiting for her inside, though this one would prove to be more final. In a small way she had hoped to put this one off, to escape to the safety and surety of another country before attempting to convince him that truly now the term that had bound them so close for so long was one she no longer believed in. True love had finally conquered for her, and now she had to go inside to bid farewell to soulmates.

Bessie greeted her on the darkened porch, her face anxious.

"Joey, just so you know Dawson is inside, and frankly from his mood I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed to you. He seems to have taken this whole movie thing to mean you want to be with him."

"It's okay Bess," Joey said, she had known Dawson too long to be surprised by this.

"Look, I know I was the one to tell you to make this movie, but I really meant it as good advice this time so if you're going to be mad at me at least just get it over with," Bessie continued. Joey almost laughed realizing then why Bessie had seemed so agitated.

"I'm not mad at you Bessie. In fact, I think making this movie might have been some of the best advice you ever gave me."

Bessie looked at her now like she was a crazy person, clearly letting thoughts of Joey tossing Pacey aside for Dawson running through her head. "The best advice huh?" she asked quizzically.

"Yes. Because now I'm really ready to wash my hands of him." Joey smiled serenely at her sister and then entered the house with all the calm she could muster.

She saw him sitting at the kitchen table, a mug in his hands as he shifted agitatedly in his seat. Clearly he had been waiting awhile. Bodie was keeping him company, though poor company it seemed to be as neither man was speaking. When Bodie saw her in the doorway he stood and quietly passed by her on his way out to the porch and Bessie. Joey offered him a warm grin, knowing already from the sparkle in his eyes that he would be trying to keep Bessie from listening at the window. He grasped her shoulder briefly, a gesture that lent her comfort and strength, and then he was shutting the door behind him.

The soft click of the door seemed to finally alert Dawson to her presence, and as his eyes met hers she could see his face light up with selfish joy. His smile affected her little, except to cause a detached kind of sadness at the passing of an era that was upon them. It was this that let her know well and truly that she was doing the right thing.

"Joey!" He cried happily, practically leaping from his seat as he moved to embrace her.

She allowed him the hug, and hugged him back for the boy she had loved for so long, for the boy that knew her best back in the days of her youth, and for the boy who she would always carry in her heart for all he had given her. Soon though she pushed him gently from her, and the disengagement was for the self centered man he now was, the man he had truly been for much longer than she had wanted to recognize.

He looked a little lost when she stepped back and his arms fell uselessly down to his sides. Quickly though he recovered, beaming at her as bright as ever. He gestured for her to sit, and then took the seat beside her already speaking with breathless excitement.

"We did it Joey, you and me, we actually got this movie done. I was doubtful for a while there but you inspired me, and we did it!"

Joey didn't think it was the best time to remind him that there had been many more people involved in the process, and that his gratitude should be directed to more than just her. He wouldn't understand it if she tried to tell him now, and she had much more important things to say.

"I started looking at some of the rough footage and it's brilliant, absolutely brilliant. We could do the whole circuit of independent festivals with this," he continued.

"I'm glad Dawson."

"With you and me together Joey we'll be unstoppable."

Joey gave him a sad smile. "There isn't going to be a you and me."

He looked at her as if he hadn't heard her correctly, not having expected that to be her answer. "What?"

"There isn't going to be a you and me. There hasn't been for a long time now, and by fighting that I think we have started to erode the simple beauty of what we used to have. We've been trying to force our childhood to come along with us as we grew up, and so we never let ourselves realize that sometimes growing up means growing apart. Some people were meant to grow apart Dawson, and it's time you and I said goodbye."

Dawson was stunned into a rare silence, but recovered with anger. "How can you say that? How can you say that to me of all people Joey? You were my best friend and all I ever wanted was to be with you. You can't mean it, you can't have helped me with this movie, put all this work into my future, just to tell me you're saying goodbye!"

A vein in his forehead was throbbing dangerously, his mouth twisted into an ugly pout.

"I do mean it. We were best friends once upon a time, and I'll always remember that. But we can't be best friends now, we aren't best friends now. The movie was my way of honoring that past, and saying goodbye to it." She kept her voice steady and calm, feeling a sense of release at saying these words to him, at freeing herself from her past.

"This is about Pacey isn't it?" Dawson spat back, "He always comes between us. This is all his fault!"

"This has nothing to do with Pacey. This is about me Dawson. It's time for me to grow up."

Dawson's mouth worked silently, as if she had robbed him of words. His anger faded as quickly as it had come, leaving behind disbelief and panic. Finding his tongue he reached for her hand desperately, as if the physical connection could somehow cement their bond.

"But Joey…we're soulmates. _Soulmates_." He emphasized the final word as if it alone should convince her, but for the first time Joey was beyond that. She squeezed his hand once sympathetically, and then stood from the table.

"Goodbye Dawson Leery. I'm sure I'll see you again, but our story is over. I hope for your sake that you find a way to let go of your past and grow up. I hope that you find happiness, and I wish you well."

She didn't give him a chance to respond, there was no response she needed, nor one she cared to hear. The ballad of Dawson and Joey was over, and even as she walked away from him she felt a small smile cross her lips at the feeling of absolute freedom that knowledge gave her.

8888888888888888888888888888888

Jack awoke to find the bed next to his was empty.

"Jen?" he called quietly into the darkness, not wanting to wake Grams who was sleeping in the next room. When he didn't get a response he swung his feet from the warmth of the sheets and onto the cold wood of the floor. Gingerly he made his way downstairs, making sure to skip the creaky third step.

It had been pure luck that the old Ryan house on the creek had been available for rent on a week by week basis. It seemed the new owners had decided to spend their summer holiday abroad, and so were renting to tourists to try and help fund their travels. Grams had spent a long time in deep conversation with Gale over the travesty of so many strangers running in and out of the home, but in the end Jack knew that Grams was secretly a little happy with the decision as it had given her the opportunity to visit her old home one last time.

It had been strange staying in the house that held so many memories over the week. They had been busy though, helping to start the filming of Dawson's movie and preparing for the move to New York. Somehow leaving this house again felt like a more final leave taking from Capeside than if they had just stayed at the BnB. But in a way it also felt fitting that this should be their starting point for their next great adventure. At times, if Jack closed his eyes and let his mind wander just right he felt 18 again, as if they had just graduated high school and were heading off to New York straight away. If he let his mind drift a little further, he felt 16 again, spending his first summer in this house where he learned to love and be loved by a family for the first time since his brother's death.

This place held almost as many memories for him as for Jen, but the stay here had affected her more deeply. When they weren't filming or talking with friends and neighbors, Jen took on a steady quiet as if in deep contemplation or remembrance. Jack often found her just wandering the house or lawn running her hands over everything, her face covered in a sad sweet smile. It was like she was saying goodbye.

He had asked her about what was going on in that head of hers, and why this place was affecting her so deeply when for a long time it had been the last place she wanted to be. She had smiled that wise serene smile at him, and told him that of all the places in her life this was the one that transformed her the most. This is where she learned to stop being Jen the party girl, or Jen the slut, or even Jen the wild child. This is where she had found just Jen, the complicated mixture of girl and woman, Jen who just wanted to love and be loved. Jen who just wanted to belong. He had hugged her tight at that, as if he could show her in one tight embrace that she was loved, and she belonged to him. He hugged her so hard she laughed at him and called him a girl for getting so emotional, but the smile in her eyes told him she appreciated it, and that she loved him back the same.

Now, in the middle of the night when the only sounds were of the crickets and the creek Jack searched for her, wondering what memory had pulled her from her sleep. She wasn't anywhere in the house, and Jack was just starting to get really worried when he glanced out the curtained window and saw her standing by the dock. She was a silhouette in the moonlight, a slightly darker form against a dark night. As his eyes focused he could see her head was thrown back so that her face was to the stars, her arms wrapped tightly about her middle and her feet planted firmly in the earth. She looked like a goddess of the night, and Jack was captivated. He knew more strongly than ever that she was the love of his life, and that many would not understand this truth, as theirs was an unconventional relationship. Many would wonder how she could belong to him, when they both found other loves and partners, when he was gay and she was not. A few would understand that sometimes love and friendship go beyond the rules that we have placed upon ourselves, that sometimes love is stronger without the romance. Those few, he figured as he looked out toward the person he loved best, were the lucky ones.

He slipped out the door and stepped off the porch, his bare feet sliding wetly through the dew covered grass as he made his way to her. The only sign that she recognized his approach came when she unraveled one arm from around her torso and extended her hand to him. He took it, and stood beside her, his own face turned up to the heavens as if he would see what it was she was looking for.

"You can't see the sky like this in New York you know," she said quietly after a few moments. "It's too bright in the city at night to see much of the stars."

He didn't respond, knowing she wasn't looking for an answer.

"Do you remember how we used to lay out and watch the stars when we were in high school and the weather got warm?" she asked after a moment.

The memory brought a smile to his face. "Yep, and somehow we always seemed to get caught when the sprinklers came on."

He could feel her grin. "And then that one time you sent Henry Parker out to ambush me. You were so sure that you weren't enough for me, that I was missing something from our relationship."

This time Jack pulled her close, one arm wrapping around her waist as her arm mimicked his actions. When they were standing hip to hip he answered. "I was wrong."

She rested her head on his shoulder, and let out a quiet sigh. "I'm going to miss this place Jack. As much drama and angst as this supposedly sleepy town gave to us, I'm still going to miss it."

"We'll come back," he reassured her gently.

"It won't be the same. This time I think we really are leaving here, this time it feels like goodbye."

"I think that's part of growing up," he said after a moment's consideration. "You have to leave the places you used to love and find new places to belong."

"But you never forget the places you used to love, or the people," she added, her quiet voice taking on the wise tones he was used to.

"No, you don't. You carry them in your heart wherever you go."

"Well then, I guess that's not so bad."

"Nope. But you know what Jen, we are even luckier because we've got each other so we have twice as much heart to hold it all in."

Jen squeezed him tightly to her for a long minute, then poked a finger into his side and laughed.

"Jeez Jack, I come out here just to look at the stars one last time and you go and get all sentimental on me. If I wasn't aware of your fabulous gayness already, the secret would definitely be out now."

He bumped her side in playful admonishment, and then turned her back toward the house. The walked arm in arm up to the porch, and just before they entered the door Jen turned back to the creek.

"Goodbye," she whispered before walking into her old home one last time.

88888888888888888888888

As predicted, Pacey spent a relatively sleepless night, tossing and turning as thoughts of Joey's impending departure and Dawson's lost friendship swirled in his mind. It seemed that the world had finally decided to leave him well and truly alone, and now that this bleak future lay in front of him he felt even more desperate to hold on to something. Jen and Jack would be leaving for New York within hours, Joey was leaving for Paris later today, and he could do nothing to stop any of them. Dawson seemed, in his mind, to be the one person he could affect, the one person he could try to hold on to. He had an envelope of money that he hoped would start to rebuild that friendship for him, and more determined than ever to do just that he made the hardest call of his life.

Dawson had been reluctant to talk to him at first, but Pacey assured him that meeting would be worth it. An hour later found him waiting anxiously at the ruins, wondering if his erstwhile best friend would really show up. A few minutes after the three o'clock meeting time they had established, Dawson appeared between the columns.

Pacey felt himself begin to fidget as Dawson grew closer, and his nervousness was not helped at all by the scowl that seemed deeply etched into the blonde's face. This was it, his last chance to make things right. He didn't want to screw it up.

"Hey man," he said as Dawson stopped a few feet from him, "I'm glad you came."

"Yeah, well here I am," Dawson said, his voice cold.

"You know," Pacey continued, trying to ignore Dawson's tone and demeanor, "I can't even remember how many times we've snuck into this place. Remember that first time though, when we were 10? I think we were playing Indiana Jones, do you remember that?"

Dawson nodded grudgingly.

"We were fighting over who got to play Indy, and we didn't even notice the owner's son until he was grabbing us by our ears and dragging us out. You never wanted to come back here after that, but Joey and I double dog dared you until you came with us." Pacey was smiling as he finished the memory, hoping that if he could just remind Dawson of the good times they could learn to be friends again.

"You and Joey huh? Just another great memory of how the two of you teamed up behind my back." Dawson's face darkened perceptibly.

"We never tried to hurt you Dawson," Pacey said, the words sounding like the oft repeated mantra that they had become. He had hoped it wouldn't come to this, that they could figure out where they stood without bringing Joey into it.

"Yeah well you've done an awfully good job of it anyway. Is that why you brought me here, to gloat about how she chose you again this time?"

For a moment Pacey was stunned, not having expected Dawson to know about what had been going on between him and Joey these past few days.

"You didn't think I'd figure it out did you? You thought you and Joey could just sneak around again and that I'd still want to be your friend. Well secret's out buddy, and thanks to your brainwashing Joey told me goodbye last night. She actually said she didn't want my friendship anymore and I know it's all because of you, so don't try to win me over with stupid memories of happier times because I don't want to hear it!"

Pacey had to fight the grin that threatened to erupt. Joey had actually stood up to Dawson. Joey was really getting over her Dawson issues. She had told him _goodbye_ for goodness sake. Suddenly the world was feeling like a much brighter place. Still, if there was something left to salvage of his friendship with Dawson he wanted to try, and grinning like a fool in love right now probably wouldn't help his case.

"Look Dawson, I'm not going to lie to you, you know I love Joey. I always have, and so have you, and that's been our problem all along. We both love the same girl. And I know that our problems are bigger than that now, I know we can't go back to the way we used to be. But neither of us is with that girl right now, she took herself out of the equation for a while, so I just want to know if it's possible to try and figure out if the people we are now can still be friends."

Dawson looked surprised, and for a moment his face softened as if he would give in to Pacey's request. "I don't know Pacey. There is just so much wrong between us right now. The money for one, and a lot of other things besides. I just don't see it happening."

"Well look," Pacey said, pulling the envelope from his back pocket, "I can right at least one of those wrongs right now. There's your money Dawson, the original investment and then some. All you've got to do is put some local businesses in the credits and it's all yours."

Dawson thumbed through the money, counting quickly as his eyes widened in disbelief. Pacey felt a surge of hope until he saw Dawson's eyes raise to meet his again. All he could see was a hard blue stare behind them, with a malicious gleam on the top.

"Well Pace, it looks like you finally did something right for once in your life."

The sentence hung between them heavily, and Pacey felt the familiar tug of depression and disappointment pull at him. He couldn't make anybody believe in him, he couldn't make anything right. Then, without warning, Joey's voice replaced his defeated one. He could hear all the words she had been trying to get through to him this past week.

_It's not your fault Pacey._

_Forget about Dawson._

_Dawson's a pompous ass!_

_I'm proud of you._

_I believe in you._

_I love you._

And just as quickly as it had come the heaviness in his heart was washed away, replaced with righteous indignation. It was like he had been looking through a smudged window and suddenly it was wiped clean. He saw in front of him now not the boy who was his best friend, not the person who might save him from himself, but just Dawson. Just a selfish little boy who always wanted things his own way. A man who hadn't grown up at all, who still had no problem throwing around hurtful words and accusations at the people he was supposed to care about. The kind of person who threw away a friendship when he lost the power in it.

He felt his face heating angrily and his eyes narrowing to slits as he remembered every past injustice. He remembered the basketball to his nose, the horrible 16th birthday party, his forgotten birthdays, the way Dawson always sided with his father instead of him. He remembered Regattas and hurricanes, weddings and ultimatums, he remembered threats and put downs. It was Dawson who had set them up as competitors all along, and it was Dawson who didn't like to lose. And suddenly, Pacey didn't care anymore. He didn't care what this person thought of him. He didn't care for Dawson's friendship, he didn't care if he ever saw another Leery as long as he lived.

"Screw you man," he said, the only suitable verbalization of all he was feeling.

Dawson looked shocked, he had not been expecting Pacey to retaliate. In fact he had been expecting plenty of groveling and apologizing. He felt his heart start to hammer as he realized that everything had somehow changed when he wasn't looking. First Joey, now Pacey, everyone was pulling away, no one cared anymore what he threatened or promised. The sensation that everything he had worked so hard to have and control was slipping away made him panicky.

"Wait, Pacey, I mean anything is possible right? We might be friends again one day."

Pacey let out a short, harsh laugh.

"You know what D? Ten minutes ago I might have taken that condescending 'maybe' you just tried to throw me, but now? Now I don't need you. I think I finally see who you are Dawson, I finally see clearly the way you've treated everyone around you for so long. I feel sorry for you man, because now you aren't even worth our time."

Pacey turned to start to walk away, sick of looking at Dawson's giant forehead.

"Well at least I'm not only after girls I can save or screw!"

Pacey turned slowly. "That doesn't work on me anymore. You can say whatever you want, cause you know what? Joey loves me. She told me she loves me, and she knows I love her and really that's the only opinion that matters to me. So you think what you want D, I don't care anymore."

Dawson's breath was coming in short angry gasps. "She doesn't love you! She could never love you, not like she loves me. She'll come back to me one day and you'll see!"

Pacey shot Dawson one last pity filled look. "Grow up man. She's gone, we're all gone, and you're all alone. And from what I've experienced of your friendship, you're going to be in pretty poor company with only yourself around."

He turned and started to jog from the ruins, feeling a weight that had been on his shoulders for almost 6 years start to lift. Even as Dawson's wails and angry words echoed behind him all he could do was smile like an idiot, because he was finally free of Dawson's thoughts and opinions. He was free to start believing in himself again. He had finally said goodbye to the town screw-up image he had carried for so long, and it was the first goodbye in a long time that felt right.

Now though, he was going to have to pick up the pace, because he needed to see a girl about a promise before she got on that plane.


	17. Chapter 17

The Message

The Message

Chapter 17

Dawson sat quietly in his bedroom, surrounded by memories and unable to escape the seemingly inevitable truth of his current situation. He had lost it all. Somehow over the past 5 years everything had changed, and he hadn't been able to stop it. Now it was too late and all his efforts to retard the horrible process of growing up lay in shambles around him.

For the first time in maybe his entire life he didn't have the desire or the words to begin to analyze it all, knowing perhaps on some subconscious level that if he really tried to dissect how it all had happened he would only find himself to blame. Besides, in the end words had not helped him retain friendships or lost loves, words had not helped him convince others to ultimately see the world as he saw it, and words had not fulfilled the dreams of his youth. In fact, lately it seemed that all words did was hurt him by pushing him from the lives of the people he never thought would leave him.

His mother had checked in on him nearly every hour, her increasingly worried look speaking volumes about his current state. In truth he was almost catatonic, his only movements being the periodic squeezing of his E.T. doll closer to his chest, as if it was his only friend in the world, and his timed pushing of the rewind button on the remote in his hand. On the small television set a home movie played, looping as Dawson rewound it again and again. On the screen a twelve year old Joey stood with one hand on her cocked hip, listening to a twelve year old Dawson explain his next movie. When the younger version of himself stated emphatically that the princess in his film had to love the prince forever, because he was her first love and that's the way it always worked, child-Joey rolled her eyes emphatically and even stuck her tongue out at the camera while pretending to gag.

"God Dawson, that is so boring," her young voice whined, filling the room around the now older Leery. "That storyline is way too predictable, and way too Disney."

"But Joey, don't you see how beautiful it is in its simplicity? It defines the most pure concepts of romance and fidelity, and…"

On screen the child-Dawson looked perturbed as laughter interrupted his speech. The camera shook with the laughter, and the voice of a twelve year old Pacey echoed unseen from behind it.

"Jeez D, what'd you do stay up all night reading the dictionary again? I didn't even understand half of those words, but if love involves talking like that count me out!"

The camera dropped slightly, the screen now only capturing the grass of the lawn though voices could still be heard. A distinctly female laugh, one Dawson remembered well, rang out as Joey added her own opinion.

"You know I hate to agree with this cretin, but seriously Dawson we're only going into the sixth grade. Even Bessie doesn't talk that funny and all she ever thinks about these days is love and romance."

The camera lifted again, this time focusing in on the young Potter, as the unseen Witter child zoomed in on her pixie face.

"Now this I have to document, Josephine Potter is actually agreeing with me! What's next, Dawson swearing off Spielberg for the likes of Tarantino?"

Joey turned to face the camera fully, sticking her tongue out again but unable to stop the smile that was creeping over her face. Pacey must have made some sort of face back because suddenly her smile grew bigger and her eyes lit up in amusement. Her dark eyes held on the camera for a long moment before tearing away as her face reddened, though the signs of her blush were quickly lost as the camera itself jerked away from her to refocus on Dawson. There was the sound of a throat clearing, and then Pacey's voice sounded again.

"So do we really have to make this into a love story man, because I was thinking it'd be better if the princess gets eaten by a dragon before the second act."

Dawson didn't respond, his eyes quickly flitting between the faces of his two friends, the film capturing his young face filled with sudden confusion. Just as quickly though the look was gone and he was smiling again, animatedly talking to the camera about his vision of the 'greatest love story ever told'. Before much more could take place the video paused, and then rewound as the older, and not much wiser, Dawson pressed the remote yet again.

He had started looking through his old home movies after returning from the ruins. At first they had been almost a comfort to him as he lost himself in the scenes and voices of his youth. Then he had stumbled across this one, a tape that he thought would ease his aching heart as it was one of the first films he ever made the summer after he got his video camera as a present. It was also one of the few films in which he had actually acted, playing the role of the prince to Joey's princess. He had thought when he put it in the VCR that seeing them, even playing at a pretend happily ever after, would give him solace or maybe even hope. Instead he had found this scene, shot when they were first testing out their filming capabilities and discussing plot points.

He had watched it probably a hundred times before, both when he was editing his movie and after when nostalgia struck, but never before had he seen it with the light of realization in his eyes. Today it seemed the perpetually oblivious Leery boy was seeing with stunning clarity, and whether the end result would be good or bad for his psyche was yet to be determined. Because before him, on the same screen where he had watched hundreds of movies, hundreds of romances and friendships, dramas and comedies play out he now saw what he had never wanted to see before.

He saw that love, when it came, didn't always follow a script. He saw that while he had been hell bent on making the world over in his image, his friends had already known that the world wasn't that easy. And he saw that even then, when the days of hair pulling and mud throwing were just starting to come to an end – to be replaced by name calling and fierce wrestling – there was something unrecognized and unspoken between Joey and Pacey, something that he didn't understand at twelve, and he didn't understand now. It almost felt like this was a defining moment he was watching, as if in that one long look something had shifted between them all though the ramifications of that shift would not appear for many years. And he wanted to stop it.

He wanted to rewind that day, to realize what had happened and change it or to stop it from happening at all. He wanted to force the younger version of himself to realize just what Joey Potter would mean to him in a few years and grab hold of her before she looked into Pacey's eyes. He wanted to go back, but he couldn't, because as a not very much older Joey had told him a long time ago, there is no rewind on the remote of life. So instead he sat, watching the video over and over again, trying desperately to find a thread to hold onto in the storm that had swept around his life, destroying everything recognizable and leaving only loss in its wake.

By the time Pacey reached the BnB he was panting for breath having run almost the whole way. He grinned wryly to himself as he climbed the porch steps, silently deciding he was definitely going to have to get back in better shape now that he didn't have a car to his name, and 'borrowing' from family would come with stiffer penalties now that he was over the age of 18. Funny how what he called borrowing others now called grand theft auto.

He didn't hesitate at the door, and burst into the entryway already calling out.

"Joey? Are you here?"

When no response came he tried again, louder this time while moving to poke his head into the kitchen.

"Joey!"

"Lord Pacey, you do realize we have guests here right? And I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate your bellowing, so keep it down unless you intend on paying me for loss of business."

The sarcastic voice that came from behind him was well loved, but not the one he was looking for.

"Bessie. I really need to talk to Joey, is she in her room?"

Pacey felt his heart start to sink a little lower as he saw her face fall, and his eyes shot up to the man who had appeared at her side and was speaking for her.

"You just missed her Pacey, she left for the airport about a half an hour ago," Bodie said, smiling gently at the young man.

"Oh," was all he could manage in response, all his excitement and hope draining from him as he realized that there was no way for him to catch her now. He couldn't exactly run all the way to Boston, and cab fare to the city would be extravagant. It looked like once again he had lost her, and this time it would be at least a year before she came back home.

He leaned back against the wall, dejectedly slumping toward the floor, when Bodie spoke again.

"Which just means we'll have to drive faster to catch her."

Pacey's face was the picture of surprise as he raised his head back up only to see Bodie grinning as he grabbed his keys off a hook near the door.

"Well what are you waiting for man?" he called out. Pacey didn't need to be asked twice.

They were climbing into the Potter truck when Pacey felt himself being shoved further into the seat. Turning he saw Bessie pushing him in while she herself climbed onto the seat in the cab next to him. When he looked at her quizzically she huffed at him and gave him the patented eye roll.

"What? You don't think I'm actually going to miss this do you? I've had to watch you guys push and pull for years, so I am certainly going to be there when you finally get it right!"

"But what about Alex?"

"Alex is at the babysitters until 8 o'clock. I figured this might happen, so I wanted to be prepared."

Pacey just gawked at her, but Bodie burst out laughing and clapped him quickly on the back before starting the truck up.

"Don't look so surprised man. You live with a Potter woman long enough, you learn they know everything!"

Pacey was sure Bodie must have broken every speed limit, as they reached the airport in just under an hour, where the trip would have taken any law abiding driver closer to an hour and a half. At one point he had even had the worry that they might pass Joey in transit. But it seemed luck was on his side, because just as they pulled up to the departures area, Pacey saw a familiar head of brown hair disappearing through the glass doors into the terminal.

"There she is!" Bessie shrieked, opening the truck door before Bodie had a chance to come to a complete stop. She jumped from the cab pulling Pacey out with her, effectively halting the flow of traffic and sending chilly glares at all the drivers who were honking their car horns at her. Pacey was too keyed up to even notice.

"Hurry up already will you!" she said, and it was all the encouragement he needed. He pulled her into a bear hug quickly, muttering a hurried but sincere thank you, and then sprinted to those glass doors as fast as his long legs would carry him.

Inside the airport was a mad house, and for a moment Pacey was afraid he wouldn't be able to find her in the sea of people rushing every which way. Fortunately his height gave him an added advantage. Seeing her turning down the corridor towards security and the gates he sprinted toward her as quickly as he could without knocking over everyone in his path.

"Joey!"

The woman turned slowly to the person beside her, responding to something the other had said, and he forgot how to breathe. It wasn't her. The woman he had been chasing down was just that, some random woman with hair like Joey's and for all he knew _his_ woman was already at her gate waiting to board. He couldn't even turn to go back to the truck, unable to comprehend how this had happened.

A tap on his shoulder pulled him from his reverie. When he turned a burst of laughter stuck in his throat.

"You looking for me?"

For a long minute he just stared into her brown eyes, heavy with emotion and darkened with hopefully tears, then the laugh escaped and he grabbed her up into his arms swinging her around in circles completely oblivious to the odd looks he was getting from the crowds moving past them.

"I thought I missed you," he murmured into her hair, breathing in the heady scent of her, all of his senses and emotions on overload.

"You almost did," Joey laughed back through her own tears. When he looked at her quizzically she held up the cell phone she was holding. "Bessie called."

Pacey's smile could have lit up the night sky at this, and gently cupping her face in his hands he responded. "I always knew I liked her. You know Potter, I have half a mind to fall in love with your sister now instead."

Joey was about to protest, but he didn't give her the chance. Swiftly lowering his lips to hers, he captured her mouth in a kiss full of all the love he had been holding on to for the past 4 years. In the dance of his tongue with hers he let her know that she had never left his heart, in the soft peppering of feather light kisses across her face he let her know that for now and eternity he belonged to her. Finally pulling back he found the words he had wanted to say to her when she came to say goodbye.

"I love you Jo. I always have, I always will. When I said this could be forever, I meant it. You are the most beautiful thing in my whole world, and I don't want to lose you because I'm too afraid of being hurt. My heart is yours, it always has been, so I sure hope you bring it back to me."

She smiled that half smile he loved so much and he felt as if finally, after all this time, things were going to work out. Except of course for the fact that she was still about to get on a plane and take his heart to Paris while leaving him behind.

"So, I guess you better get going then," he said, suddenly all the fire that had driven him to get here dying down at the grim reality of their situation.

"Pace," she started, but he raised a hand to stop her.

"No, you need to go. You're already signed up for classes and everything."

"Pace," she tried again but he didn't stop.

"You've been wanting to go to Paris for so long now, and you didn't go before because of love. I won't let you give it up this time. I'll be here when you get back, but now you have to go."

He took a step back, holding her hands in his but distancing his body for fear if he stayed too close he might grab her up and change his mind, and he was determined not to do that. He was determined to make sure she didn't give up her dreams for him.

"So Joey, I came to say what I needed to say, to tell you that I love you and I'll wait for you since you seem so adamant about coming back to me. And now, I'm going to go." He pulled her in and gave her one last fiery kiss, then abruptly stepped from her and turned to leave.

"Pacey you idiot, would you just listen to me for a second!"

He felt Joey tug on his arm and turned stony faced, afraid she was about to take back all her promises.

"Jo, you have to go to Paris," he started again, trying to cut her off before she could say anything that might hurt him.

"I am going to Paris," she said, her voice sounding slightly exasperated.

"Oh." He'd be lying if he hadn't secretly hoped she was about to tell him she was staying, no ifs ands or buts.

"And you're coming with me."

It took a full 30 seconds for her words to sink in, and then he gaped at her suddenly positive he needed to have his hearing checked.

"Um, I'm sorry I don't think I heard you right. I can't go to Paris Jo, I don't have a ticket or luggage or anything…" he started but it was her turn to cut him off.

"Well, um, that isn't exactly true," she admitted sheepishly. Reaching into her purse she pulled out a paper ticket and handed it to him. It was a ticket to Paris in the name of one Pacey Witter. He looked at her wide eyed but before he could say anything, she was continuing.

"And as far as luggage goes, I kind of took the liberty of already checking a bag for you. You might need a few more things when we get there, I'm not sure exactly what Doug had time to pack…"

"Doug?" Pacey said dumbly, still not quite comprehending the rapid shift in events.

"Yeah, I kinda asked him to throw some stuff together for you."

"But why, how, when, huh?" Pacey stuttered. When she just smiled at him, her face suffused with an excited and nervous blush he finally found his tongue again.

"Joey, why did you do all this? How did you know I would come?"

"I didn't. I just figured I owed to you to believe in us enough to take the chance."

He stared at her, this girl half grown to womanhood who had captured his heart. This girl who challenged him and loved him in equal measure. The only girl he wanted for the rest of her life.

"So Paris huh?" he finally said, a huge grin breaking out over his face.

She nodded, her own smile doubling in size as she threw her arms around him and held on tight.

"I love you Pacey," she whispered into his chest, suddenly overcome by her love of this boy that never left her heart.

"I love you to Jo," he spoke into her hair, kissing the top of her head quickly before grabbing her hand and pulling her toward security. "Now hurry up, we've got a plane to catch!"


	18. Epilogue

The Message

The Message

Epilogue

_Three years later_

Pacey walked home under a proverbial rain cloud. His head hung limply from his shoulders, his feet shuffled against the concrete as if he didn't even have the energy to pick them up all the way. Though it had been another long hard day at the restaurant, it wasn't work that had sapped his energy, it was worry. As he walked he thought about another night like this, when he had walked home knowing that everything in his life was different now. An awful night after a high school dance, when he had lost the woman he loved. He let his mind wander in and out of memories from the last three years, memories that had convinced him he would never have another night like that one.

Paris had been wonderful. At first he had hardly felt any excitement over the city at all, all of his emotions and joy wrapped up instead in simply being with Joey again. A few weeks later, as she started her classes and he finally started to believe she was really his, he had begun to appreciate the fact that he, Pacey Witter, was actually living in another country. He had taken long walks through the city during the day, stopping to explore the museums, parks and shops that he found, never hurrying past like he had tended to do in Boston.

During his explorations he found that he wasn't just discovering and learning about Paris, he was also finding himself again. In the quiet moments he found that he was slowly healing. He found confidence in himself as he interacted with the city and her residents each day. He found trust again in his growing relationship with Joey. Little by little he was feeling more and more like the man he had always wanted to become.

Things hadn't been perfect. After all, he and Joey had a long and complicated history that they needed to work through and accept, and their differing personalities led to the inevitable squabble every now and then. But he never felt like their relationship was in danger. He found that Joey was growing too, and the woman she was becoming was stronger and more resilient than the girl he had fallen in love with so many years ago. In fact, if it was possible, he found himself falling in love with her even more. She had a growing confidence about her that was wonderful to see, and when that confidence was transferred to their relationship he felt his doubts about her ability to stay instead of run fading away. It was nice to find a safe place for his heart again.

After a few months in the city another door had opened for him. He had been spending an increasing amount of time in and out of the bakeries and restaurants that littered the streets, always finding himself lingering near the kitchens, trying to catch glimpses of the chefs at work. On his seventh visit to one particular restaurant the chef, a Mr. Adrien Pardie, had come out and started talking to him in surprisingly good English. It seemed his frequent visits and glances had not gone unnoticed, and the chef thought that anyone with that much curiosity might as well just come into the kitchen and learn instead of hanging on the edges. From that moment on, Pacey had been swept back up into the lifestyle of a chef.

He never actually had a job per se, as he had no work visa, but Adrien had taken him under his wing and allowed him to hone his skills in the kitchen. Impressed with Pacey's natural talent, Adrien had used his connections in the city to get Pacey into other kitchens with chefs who specialized in different forms of the craft. By the time Joey had finished her semester, and it was time to head back to the states, Pacey was pretty sure he had learned more than he ever could have in culinary school. More importantly, he had rediscovered his passion and it felt good to do something well again.

When they got off the plane in Logan airport, they were both so different than the people who had left. Joey returned with her steely confidence intact, but also with a newfound softness and compassion that allowed her to give her love more freely and with less hesitation. Pacey returned without the shroud of 'failure' on his back any longer, and with an inner calm that suited his confident and charming nature. Stepping off the plane they had been sure they could conquer the world together.

Life of course had not been quite that easy. Though their relationship remained strong, the reality of the situation was that Joey still had a year left at Worthington, and Pacey didn't have a job. In Paris, they had been able to live together in Joey's studio apartment, the financial aide Joey received being more than enough to support them while Pacey worked unpaid in the restaurant. Somehow Professor Hetson had been able to get her nearly double the scholarships for the year as she was abroad. They were not so lucky now.

Pacey had tried for two months to find a job in Boston, but unfortunately all his training was in experience, and undocumented experience at that. No restaurant would even give him a chance. Joey was working long hours trying to finish up her program and pay her bills, the study abroad scholarships had disappeared and so she was barely scrapping by on her own. Finally there was no other choice, and Pacey had moved back to Capeside.

Still, they had remained strong this time. Bodie and Bessie had given Pacey Joey's old room at the BnB so he wasn't on Doug's couch, and even Gail had given him an entry level position in the restaurant so his confidence remained intact. They had both grown up enough to realize that the hour between Boston and Capeside did not really make them worlds apart, and they were more committed than ever. Besides, they had both been so busy that the time flew by, and though their weekends together always felt too short, the next weekend always came quickly. By the time Joey's spring break came around, Pacey had saved enough money to move into his own apartment and she had helped him cart his belongings over and settle him in.

And then Joey had graduated and the _real_ reality of their situation hit home. The unfortunate truth was that there was simply nothing for her to do in Capeside with her English degree, at least nothing that would satisfy her intellectually and creatively. They had had many long talks over the summer about the future, and though Pacey wasn't about to let her give up her dreams, it felt nice that this time there was no question of whether he would get left behind, she had made certain he knew that no matter where she went she wanted him by her side. They had started making plans even, New York seeming like the logical spot as it would give her many job opportunities and even put them back near Jack and Jen (whom they had, of course, kept in close contact with over the past two years). Pacey was even willing to take a serving position in a restaurant as he worked his way up again, knowing that his experience in a small town restaurant wouldn't count for much in the big city, especially because he still didn't have the credentials to back up his skills.

But near the end of the summer, an offer had fallen into Pacey's lap that shook all their plans apart.

Over the year he had been home, Pacey had begun to rebuild his relationship with his family, especially with Doug and his father. His newfound sense of worth gave him the strength to finally talk with his dad about how hard it had been over the years, and surprisingly his dad had responded with heartfelt words of apology. It seemed that ever since his heart attack Sheriff Witter had found his softer side, and had realized just how much he had missed out on in the life of his youngest son. Pacey had been glad of it.

So when his father called in August to tell Pacey that the land the old Icehouse had been on was for sale, and that he wanted to help Pacey finance the rebuilding of the restaurant, Pacey was torn. He didn't want to lose Joey, in truth he wasn't sure he would survive losing her now, but to have his father support him in building his own business, a business he already knew in his bones he would love, he didn't know how he could possibly walk away from that.

It had been Joey who decided it for him. When he told her about the offer she hadn't even given him a chance to try and back out. Instead she had caught him up in a huge hug, practically screeching her excitement at the possibility, and repeating over and over again how proud she was of him and how wonderful this was. When he talked about all their plans she had just waved him off.

"Pacey, we're going to be together no matter what. This is something we can figure out," she had said.

And so a few weeks later she was off to New York, moving in with Jen as she went on the job hunt, and Pacey was working with a construction crew to finalize building plans.

The restaurant had opened, amazingly, a mere 9 months later, the whole community had come out to help him in small ways. The morning after construction was complete, Pacey arrived at work to find a whole group of locals armed with paintbrushes and rollers ready to help him begin to decorate. The help had continued to pour in from all sides, and every day Pacey counted himself blessed to have found the better side of small town living.

Joey had found a job working for a small publishing firm, and immediately loved her job as junior editor. Though most of what she talked about went right over his head, Pacey knew that she was happy, and finally felt like she was making something of herself. He couldn't have been prouder.

With her in New York and the restaurant taking up so much of his time though, they had found it increasingly difficult to find time to see each other. They still talked on the phone every evening, and made the trip back and forth when they could, but the distance was starting to get to Pacey. He missed her, plain and simple. In fact, the last few months she was all he had been able to think about, and his heart was speaking to him even more clearly than it had so many years ago, Pacey knew that Joey Potter was his forever. Which only made the last few weeks even harder.

It had started small. He would call for their nightly chats and she wasn't home, and wouldn't return his calls for a day or sometimes two. This wasn't too strange at first, as he knew she had gotten even busier at work and that there were apparently big things happening in her company. But then she had blown off a weekend visit. Usually he was sure that she was just as eager as he to spend those few days together, but she had called last minute to tell him she just wasn't going to make it that weekend. Despite his disappointment he had tried to put on a happy tone and ask about how she was doing if she was so busy, but she had only said she couldn't really talk about it, and that she actually needed to get going. He had been hurt, but let it go.

Then there had been 5 solid days of silence, silence which ate away at him, causing him to doubt the solidity of their relationship. He could practically feel her pulling away, and his old worries started to return. She was in New York, living her dream, and once again he had shown that he was Capeside through and through. He started to look at their situation without the curtain of love obscuring his sight, and found himself thinking more and more that they found themselves in an impossible situation. Unfortunately, he was afraid that she had already realized this and was now looking for the easy way to let him down.

After a few more short conversations, and even more unreturned phone calls, tonight had been what cinched it in his mind. Joey was again supposed to have come to Capeside for the weekend, and he had been holding out hope that seeing her would allay his worries. He had gone to the train station after work to pick her up, she was supposed to have flown into Boston earlier in the day and then taken the train in to meet him. He had waited through three trains, but when she wasn't there two hours after she was supposed to arrive he realized that she wasn't coming. Calling her cell phone had made his heart sink even farther. Instead of Joey's voice greeting him, it was a man's voice that echoed through into his soul. He heard a female voice in the background telling him not to answer, and then the dial tone. So that was it. Clearly, Joey was moving on.

Now he was on his way home, back to an apartment filled with memories of the past three years. Pictures of the two of them, a few of her clothes that she had left there for visits, furniture she had helped him pick out. With every step it became harder to fight back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. He couldn't believe that he had lost her again.

By the time he worked his way slowly home, it was already late. He had to train his eyes on the right side of the street as he made his way to the apartment entrance, as the building she had helped him find was right across the street from The Wall, the one he had bought her so many years ago, and even seeing it right now he was sure would be too much. So he kept his eyes averted and trudged up the stairs with a deep depression already working its way into his bones.

Inside he flopped onto the couch, and stayed there frozen. For the first time in years he wished he didn't live alone, that maybe Jack was still his roommate, so that he could explain his dark thoughts to someone. Alone he felt almost numb, the only thought reverberating in his mind was _she's gone._

The tears still hadn't come yet, as he tried desperately to cling to any hope that might remain in his heart though the supply was fast dwindling. In truth he was scared, because he still knew she was it for him and if she left him now he would still never stop loving her, and his life would never truly be complete.

The phone rang, and for a moment he thought about answering on the hope that it was her and she would be able to allay his fears. But he knew if it wasn't her he didn't have it in him to talk to anyone else, and if it was her a big part of his heart was convinced she was calling to have a conversation with him he didn't really want to have. He couldn't bear hearing her tell him that it was over. So he let the answering machine pick up.

_Hi, you've reached Pacey Witter. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._

There was a beep and then silence. After a moment he heard her voice recording onto the machine.

_Hey Pace, it's me._

Suddenly his mind was flooded with memories of another late night phone call like this one, a call in which she had told him she loved him but it wasn't enough. A call in which she had shattered his heart even further. A message she hadn't even really left for him. His chest tightened with fear and he couldn't move, he could only listen.

_Um, I know you're home. But maybe it's better this way, if you don't pick up, so I can just say everything I need to say._

He heard her take a deep breath, but his own breath was hard to come by as the tears finally started to fall from his cheeks and his lungs seized up in pain. Her tone of voice told him all he needed to hear, but he couldn't stop listening.

_I guess I just wanted to tell you what's been going on with me. Over the past few months I've just been feeling so awful, because even though I love you and even though I know now just how deep and strong my feelings are for you, living away from you has been pulling us apart. I know we've been putting on a brave face about the whole thing, but the truth is this isn't working. You know it and I know it, even if we didn't want to admit it. We can't have a future this way._

Pacey wiped at his cheeks furiously, pleas running through his head for her not to give up on them yet. But she couldn't read his mind and so her words continued to break his heart.

_I love you Pacey, more than I have ever loved anyone, more than I will ever love anyone, but right now I feel like missing you might kill me. Like if we keep doing this I'm going to have to lock away my love for you so it doesn't. Loving you this much scares me to death sometimes, because you and I both know how much this love of ours can hurt._

_I love you Pacey Witter, and I hope that someday I can be everything that you deserve, because you deserve so much more than I think I can ever give you. I remember leaving you a message a long time ago, or rather not leaving you a message, and telling you that I remembered you saying that just because love is true doesn't make it easy. It's still true, and so I've made some hard decisions over these past few weeks._

Pacey could hear the tears and emotions in her voice, and even through his own hurt he wanted to take her pain away.

_I also remember telling you that until I could give you a blank slate it wasn't fair to us to go down this road. _

Her voice broke again, and finally he reached for the phone. If she was really ending things, she was going to have to do it to him not to an answering machine.

"Pacey?" she whispered as the line clicked through.

"Yeah," he heard himself say softly.

"I knew you were home," she said and he could have sworn he heard the smallest laugh in her voice beneath her tears. Even now, knowing why she was calling, it still felt so good just to hear her voice. But he wouldn't allow himself to be sucked in again, he needed to be strong.

Trying to keep his voice cold and free of emotion, he brought her back to the moment.

"You were saying about blank slates Jo?"

She paused, and he could almost sense her hesitation at the hardness of his tone, but then she spoke again.

"Yeah, well, it seems I can't give you one of those after all."

He scoffed, anger rising up inside of him, a welcome feeling as it helped to drown out some of his pain.

"Oh yeah?" he said, his tone sounding flip and unkind even to his own ears.

"Yeah. You see, I kinda already wrote on it."

This was not what he expected to hear. In fact it didn't even make any sense. Anger and pain were both dissipated momentarily by confusion.

"Huh?"

"Look outside Pace," she said softly.

As if his body already knew what his mind had yet to understand, he found his feet carrying him to the living room window. Looking outside, he nearly dropped the phone in his shock. Instead a ragged sob choked out of his throat at the sight that met his eyes.

There was The Wall, newly painted, and there was Joey right beside it, her face and clothing visibly sprinkled with red paint even from this distance. Across the wall in four foot high letters were words he remembered well.

ASK ME TO STAY

As they sunk in he did drop the phone, dashing to the door and down the stairs. Out in the night air he took what felt like the first deep breath he had taken in a long time, and ran toward Joey who was already moving to him. He caught her up in his arms as another sob, this one mixed with laughter, escaped him.

He could feel Joey's own tears against his neck, even as her giggles shook her body. He pulled back only for a moment, looking into her beautiful brown eyes that held only love and devotion, before leaning in and kissing her silly. They stayed locked together for many long moments, both wrapped up in the sensation of being this close again after so long.

Finally though, Pacey's brain caught up with his heart and the million questions running through his mind forced him to pull away. Breathless, he only managed to stutter out a halfway intelligible sentence.

"Wait, what do you mean. I mean, what does that mean?" he said, gesturing at the wall behind her.

"It means what it says Pace. It means I want to stay here with you if you'll have me." She was grinning the irresistible half grin at him.

"How though Jo? I mean you have your job and your apartment, your whole life is in New York."

"Not any more it's not. I told you there were big things happening at my company. Well one of them happened to be that I was getting promoted, and being chosen to head up a new division," she began.

Pacey just stared at her, still not really understanding.

"What that means," she said slowly, clearly teasing him, "is that I am now a full editor, and in charge of a few select authors who happen to live in the Boston area. That's why I couldn't come down the other weekend, I had to meet with them and discuss their expectations. It turned out even better than I had hoped for, because I'll only have to go into Boston to meet with them a few times a week, and the rest of the time I can work from home."

This Pacey understood. "Home huh?" he said, his mind already racing with thoughts of being able to come home to her every night.

"Yes, home," she said, her voice holding all the promise he needed. But there was still something niggling at the back of his mind.

"Well who was the guy then? I tried to call you earlier and…"

Laughing, Joey cut him off. "That was Bodie. He came to pick me up at the train station so I could get here early to paint your wall. I had my hands full with paint and rollers, and he answered my phone without checking the caller id. I knew if you talked to him you'd figure out something was up and I wanted to surprise you," she said, rolling her eyes at his stern face.

Half of him wanted to make her pay for making him worry so much, but the other half was just entirely too happy to have her here. He settled for just grinning at her like an idiot.

"So?" she said gesturing at the wall and writing behind her.

"So what?" he asked innocently, not able to resist riling her up a little bit at least.

"So are you going to ask me?" she said exasperatedly.

"Now Jo, I seem to remember you telling me a long time ago that I wouldn't have to ask."

She hit him in the shoulder, hard enough that he was sure he was going to have a bruise, but it was worth it. "Pacey!"

For the first time he realized that she was actually nervous. He almost laughed again at the realization that she wasn't entirely sure he wanted her to live with him. Her worry was so endearing that it sobered him, and he addressed her seriously.

Taking her hands in his he pulled her close to him. Looking into her eyes, he tried to convey to her just how deeply his love ran, and just how happy he was to have her home with him at last.

"Josephine Potter, nothing in this world would make me happier than to wake up next to you every morning and go to sleep by your side every night. If you come live with me, I'll feel like the luckiest man alive. So I'm asking you, stay."

Tears winked at the corners of her eyes as she launched herself fully back into his arms.

"I love you Pacey," she whispered against his lips as she kissed him solidly.

"I love you too Jo. Welcome home," he whispered back.

THE END


End file.
